One of the things I was most excited about was going to check out some gyms! Due to certain circumstances over the last 5-6 years, my health took a nose dive into a debilitating state which destroyed all the physical achievements I had made. For the first time in a long time I am feeling ready to get back at it and slowly I've been introducing myself back into life. Brian took me to the first gym and as I toured it, I could feel the old Dee feeling excited and my mind anticipating all the good that was going to start coming back to me as a result of working out! By the time I walked out I was floating on air just imagining how wonderful it was going to be to feel strength in my body and be around people again!
I got into the car and I could feel reality begin crashing into my hopefulness, similar to when you see a movie like, Braveheart or Troy and the two forces run toward each other then crash into the opposing warriors full force and fight with determined fury to achieve victory for their side! I was realizing that with Brian's mom sick, she will not allow Kevin to go to a day program for special needs adults, and Brian can't take him to work so it was my job to take care of Kevin during the day! My mind felt like someone just took a blow torch to it and I thought, "This can't be! Seriously! Nooooo, I can't stay in that prison of a house, having no car and now this tremendous responsibility on top of it, No God! Please, Nooooo!" As I sat in the car looking out the window and watching my hopes burn and rise like smoke in my mind, Brian sensed something was wrong and he said, "Bunny, everything is going to work out." I replied, "How can it? I have to take all these feelings of happiness and joy and I have to lock them back up! I have to just accept that nothing is going to change." We sat silently as we drove home.
Later that evening, I was sitting out on the patio and Brian came and sat with me. I stayed quiet because I just didn't want to actually put into words the realities that I was worrying about, then, Brian said to me, "Bun, remember the movies we just watched? (see the previous post regarding the movies). You have to trust God that all of this will work out." As I sat there, I recalled the movies and their stories. God spoke to my heart and whispered to me, "Lay all your hopes and dreams on My alter of sacrifice and trust me." I have to admit that in the past I would have rolled my eyes and thought, "Whatever", then just went on my way with discouragement in my heart. This time though, I surrendered it all, I lay it on His alter and said to God, "I trust you Lord, with all of it. I knew that if I never got to join a gym, have a car and couldn't have a life of my own again that God had a plan and I felt a peace inside of me. If my life was going to be a sacrifice to serve God, by taking care of Kevin and being a joyful servant to God and my family then the Lord would give me strength and contentment to do it from my heart. I could not have handled it if it weren't for those movies and the wisdom that they implanted into my heart, and Brian could not have comforted me the way he did, without just having seen those movies either! It was no mistake that they came in the mail from Netflix when they did :) God knows exactly what we need and when we need it!
In the Bible, Abraham had to put his one and only beloved son that God gave him in his old age on an alter of sacrifice. God proved His love to Abraham by delivering Issac and then fulfilling His promise to Abraham that his descendants would out number the stars! Moses had to put his fears on the alter when God told him that he would have to speak for the people of Israel, even though he had a severe stutter, and tell Pharaoh to let his people go! Hosea had to put his pride on the alter when God told him to marry a prostitute, in order for people in generations to come to understand God's great unfailing love and forgiveness toward us! Gideon had to put his unbelief on God's alter so that God's justice and power could be a lesson to all of us regarding God's faithfulness! God chooses flawed people to show His great works through. If we do not come to the point in each of our lives where we choose Him over our own desires then the effects of our lifes story will not live on and bless the generations to come. We must remember in every story in our life, He has a blessing for us and that blessing will ripple out to touch others. His way is always the best way, even if we can't see it right then. There is not one story in the bible where God let's even one of His children down, and He's not going to start now!
I don't know what's ahead, I do know God loves me and that my life isn't about just now, but it is about eternity also! I think I finally realized, that when God created me in my mother's womb, it was then, that the life story that "He" wrote for me began, and I don't have the stubborness, fear and doubt in my heart any longer, that desires to rewrite it! I'm trusting Him!
Read Psalm 139!
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart!
Matthew 6:33 Seek first the Kingdom of God and ALL the other things will be added unto you!
Psalm 73:25,26 Whom have I in heaven but you Lord? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion
forever!
Psalm 103 Excepts) Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name and forget
not all his benefits...he forgives all our sins, heals all our diseases, redeems our life
from the pit, crowns us with love and compassion, satisfies our desires with good
things, so that our youth is renewed like the eagles!
With you oh Lord, is where I want to be....Your will not mine Lord, is the safest place for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment