Papa Ben

Me and my Dad

Proverbs 11-2b...With humility comes wisdom.

My dad was a firm believer in preventative maintenance and preparedness! He never waited till the last minute to do something but he was conscience every day of what he had to do to keep ahead of things, so he didn't have bigger problems in the future. He loved to say, "Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today!" We all hated that as kids because we had to do all this stuff that we would rather put off so we could go have fun instead. I remember my first car and my dad told me over and over again, "Take care of her and she'll take care of you and be sure to check the oil and have it changed every 3000 miles." Blah, blah, blah I thought, as I continued to put it off and then one day, boom! My block cracked and my car wouldn't run anymore! Unfortunately, I have several of those stories because I chose foolishness over wisdom for most of my youth. But, after so many screw ups, I chose to begin to be like my dad and so did my sisters and my brother. My dad's steady wisdom and consistent behavior made him a great role model for all of us growing up. It was seriously like having an adorable, funny, poetic, wise, man's man, tough-guy, modest yet charming, committed dad! You know the kind of guy that woman love because their own husbands are such knuckle heads! My dad was special  and I married a man just like him!

Mom and Dad

After my mom's stroke, when I was 5 years old, my sisters were 15 and 14 and my brother 12, we were raised solely by my dad. He never remarried or even dated, he just did what he had to do and was always there for us. He never hit us or spanked us but he would sit us down to tell us things like, "Don't ever destroy or damage someone else's property. It's okay to have fun but remember that people work hard all week and they don't need to be cleaning up after youthful pranks." or "I taught you right from wrong so now I expect you to make the right choices." And the one he did all the time that I truly believe shaped all of us kids to turn out to be God fearing, people respecting, good citizens was, "I'm disappointed by your choice." Arg, that one really made us think about what we did and it shaped how we did things in the future. He taught us to stay on top of things and not to let material or relational things fall apart, but to keep them maintained. He said to have balance in all aspects of our lives, ie: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually so that one area wouldn't have to suffer because another area was slacking off.

The Old Farm House
as seen today.

My dad was born in 1909 on a small farm in upstate N.Y., he had 12 brother's and sister's, one of which died as a baby, Dorothy, (I'm named after her). My granny was just a itty-bitty thing from England and Pa was an architect from Canada, a tough guy who didn't have a problem pushing Ma around or intimidating the kids. I don't know all the details of my dad's life but there are bits and pieces that when put together form a picture. He told me a few stories about the cold winters on the farm and how him and all his brother's would run out to the barn in the early morning in their long-johns to get dressed among the cows! He said, the cow's breath and body heat made the barn warmer than the stove could make the house! He told me stories about how he used to box bare-fisted for money and how he thought he looked a little like James Cagney with his hat tipped to the side, a spiffy suit and his crooked smile. I know he was married to night club singer before he was married to my mom and that He was going to be a doctor until Pa got out of hand and my dad had to leave school to go get the situation under control and take care of Ma and the family.

My father's father...Pa

My dad's mother...Ma

My dad worked hard for us and he stayed at a moderate job his whole life because he was just that kind of guy who did the right thing. One time we flew him out to California for a visit and that's when I saw another side of him. Actually, not another side of him but the inside of him. We all went to the set of a movie that my brother in law was working on which starred Tony Curtis, Roscoe Lee Brown and that lady who played "Lovey" (Mr. Howell's wife) on Gilligan's Island. There was this scene where they had to open this safe but the safe wouldn't open! The director, producer and the actors were all in a tizzy about what to do, then my brother in law suggested that my dad could probably open it! The director came over and asked my dad if that was a possibility, so they wouldn't lose a day of production, and my dad replied, "Sure, I can open it and I can fix it so you'll only have to pretend to open it rather than actually unlock it." So the director took him over onto the set and my dad saved the day! Tony Curtis, all the other actors, the director and crew all came up to Ben (my dad) and were thanking him and making him feel like a hero! Later that day I was sitting out in the car, my dad was in the front seat and I was behind him, he was staring out the window and there were tears coming down his face. I said, "What's wrong?" and he simple said, "I didn't realize how much life was out here." I knew exactly what he meant, how his world after he had to go back to the farm, due to his father's irresponsibility, was so confined. He had to take care of his mother, brothers and sisters and then after my mom died he did the right thing and raised us kids. He never got to become a doctor or any other things that were probably in his heart. His life was defined by being a son and a dad.

My dad (Benjamin), Aunt Mary
and his sister Gladys on
Granny's porch, 1917

It wasn't until he turned 72 years old that my dad invited Jesus into his heart and I know that gave him new insights that were of great comfort to him. Sometimes we look at our own lives or the lives of others and wonder if somehow mistakes happened that weren't supposed to or choices were made that were wrong. It was through my father's life that I was able to see God's hand of grace involved in lives all around me, including my own!. Dad taught me that through detours, disappointments and broken lives, God turns us from self-seekers to people-healers. He taught me kindness, empathy and compassion by the way he acted, felt and served. After inviting Christ into his life he was no longer just a great guy but a Godly man who began to see that his life had purpose and meaning far beyond any regrets he had if any. He shared his faith, he felt deeply for others and he ended up with a life full of children, grand-children and God's love. He loved us and his tender heart did some things that made him so special, like when he put his arms around his three daughters in front of the Christmas tree one year, bowed his head and sang Silent Night to us. Mine and my sister's tears made a puddle in the center of our hug circle on the hard wood floor that reflected the trees lights and gave the moment a magical glow. His life could have taken a completely different turn back when he was a young man but that wasn't God's plan. My dad was chosen to not be a doctor or be married to a night club singer or to try to live his life as a tough guy, no, my dad was chosen to be my mother's husband and our father. He was humble, and dedicated to his responsibilities, and by doing that he was a man who was blessed throughout his life.

We left the studio and later that afternoon we headed for Gladstone's Restaurant. Before we went to have dinner we all went down to the beach and everyone was talking and mingling when I noticed my dad taking off his shoes and socks. With his toes in the sand he rolled up his pants and walked toward the water. A wave came up and rushed over his bare feet as he stood there watching the ebb and flow of this ocean that was stirring his senses and memories. I'm sure he was thinking too, about all that was out there in the world that he never got to see. His face turned toward the sunset as we all stood watching, he looked like a statue of a wise man who had committed himself to a specific course in life and followed it, yet he also looked like a young man, who saw dreams just over the horizon. I will never know what my father's thoughts were as he stood there on that California beach during the twilight hour, but I do know that until the day he died, he was committed not only to us, but to our children as well, who called him Papa Ben and loved him as much as we did.

*Ben coming out of our back forest.
*One of his wise quotes.
*A cute note he sent me :)

We finally went up the hill to go have dinner and decided to sit outside on the patio. That night my dad was in rare form, as if he saw something bigger than the small world that he had been living in. He was telling stories and jokes, making the waitress laugh and engaging those around us in conversation and chuckles. My dad's personality was not like that at all but we loved seeing this man who "had to do" life for such a long time, just enjoying himself and feeling relaxed. We also found out that the waitress wasn't serving him ice tea's but Long Island ice tea's!

GOD HAS A PLAN FOR OUR LIVES AND THAT PLAN IS SO AMAZING! IT TOOK A MAN LIKE MY FATHER, WHO FOUGHT AS A BARE-FISTED BOXER TO A GENTLE MAN WHO HELD HIS CHILDREN AND GRAND-CHILDREN IN THOSE SAME HANDS MANY YEARS LATER. AS MY DAD WOULD SAY, GOD CAN DO ANYTHING, IF YOU LET HIM.

Dad,
Much of who we are is because of you. We all turned out good because you were a good dad. We know how much you loved
Jesus, so we'll see you when we get there! Kiss mom for us. We miss you a lot!