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| Marion Beatrice aka Nana Ooch |
My life was defined by the loss of my mother and her personal losses. She had a massive stroke when I was about 5 years old and I remember that morning vividly. It was a Sunday... my father was making his usual Sunday morning breakfast for all of us. The smell of bacon frying, fried eggs bubbling in the old cast iron pan and toast with butter and grape jelly! As I sat in our avocado green kitchen, fiddling around at the Formica table, I looked up and my mom dragged her way past us, heading for the bathroom and said, "I don't feel very well." A few minutes later she came out and told my father that she was going back to bed. That had never happened before, since my mom was a very active person and she was always involved in the goings on of the day.
It seemed like it was only a few minutes that passed and we heard a loud grunt from her room. My dad ran in there and we instantly knew something was very wrong. As I stood at the doorway I could see that she wasn't responding to my fathers inquiries and her eyes just stared upward. Back then, doctors would make house calls and I recall Dr. Klein taking a pen and sliding it up my moms foot but she didn't move. He then proceeded to try and get her to respond to several pokes and prods but nothing. He looked at my father and took him aside to the other room. The next thing I remember was my dad grasping the door frame, dropping his head and he begin weeping. I just stood there, looking up at everyone. I started saying, "What's wrong, What happened?" but no one answered. I felt alone and afraid. I can still feel the emotions of the people around me like a foggy night makes your skin feel damp.There was an uncomfortable movement as if they were all going in slow motion and their eyes kept shifting from person to person looking for a reason.
My mom had a massive stroke and for the next 9 years she would live a life with very few options. Everything she needed, she had to depend on someone else for it. I never got to talk to her about anything because she couldn't talk. Every day, all day was a game of frustrating charades, trying to figure out what she wanted or needed. Eventually I taught my mom to say six words, I love you Ben, (my dad's name), shit, (She requested that one!), but every time she said it, everyone belly laughed! I'm sure she used it to express her frustrations too, since her entire right side was paralyzed, yet she still tried to do everything! The last word was my name, Dottie, and from then on, it was pretty much my name that she called whenever she needed something. I grew to resent that, and that resentment would later cause me tremendous pain.
The story of my life, by my observance was tragic, and that's all I focused on. All the struggles, all the situations and emotions that ran through my life, all the trauma that was never spoken of or talked about! I lived her pain and her fears in my life, carrying them like a lump in my throat. I walked day by day under a dark cloud of self-pity, anger, resentment and bitterness but I never embraced those feelings to heal them, I just ran through life with all the pain. It was exhausting and I was too immature to understand that I needed to turn around and face it all. I thought I could get "over" it but God knows that we need to get "through" it. I wasn't ready to clean that closet yet. Instead, I did everything I could to numb myself to it. It was by doing exactly that, that I became two people. There was the funny, out-going and mischievous me on the outside and then there was the broken and terrified me on the inside. This horrible thing happened but there was no Trial of the Century, no front page headlines for weeks, just a little girl whose mom died. It all happened so fast and it would be years before I would turn around and ask God to help me.
My decision to avoid God brought me nothing but more hardship and sorrow. Bad choices and wrong paths led me to situations that were not only stupid but dangerous. I look back now and see that it was only by the grace of God that I survived. He loved me and stayed by my side even though I ignored Him. He pursued me, protected me and cherished me, all while I was telling Him to leave me alone. Looking back now, I can see so clearly that most of the conflict and drama in my life was caused by me, not God. We choose to turn our backs on Him, He never turns His back on us! He is always there waiting for us to turn from our own will and seek Him and His will. He longs to bless us and deliver us, to see us have freedom, joy and find His precious gift of peace.
But what about all those years we turned our backs on Him? Do they have to be an albatross that we must carry forever as a punishment, a reminder of our disobedience. Do memories of our bad choices have to be a scarlet letter worn for the rest of our lives? Do we have to prove our repentance to God by carrying the bricks of our iniquities on our backs like slaves? Or are they simply wasted years? Thank God, none of the above! For years I would have a bad memory pop into my head and I would become downcast and depressed. I would beg God to please forgive me, over and over. Then, one day I realized that He has already forgiven me and I was just beating myself up repeatedly for no reason! Satan had me in emotional bondage! Now, when a bad memory comes, I thank God for forgiving me, and my mind is filled with thoughts of gratitude and joy instead! The following scriptures anointed me, and Satan no longer could keep a grip on me! Joel 2:25 says, "I (God) will restore back to you the years the locust have taken.", Job 8:21 says, "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy!", Isaiah 1:18 says, "Tho your sins be as scarlet, I will make them white as snow!", and Psalm 103:12, "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us!". Our sins are forgiven instantly and completely when we allow Jesus to cover them with His blood of redemption! And, our years are not wasted, only if we see them that way. The deeper life spears us, the deeper God can fill us!
I don't understand why terrible things happen but I know now that the Creator of the Universe came and sat with me, and never left me for one minute. We went through that dark closet in my heart together and cleaned it out piece by piece.......... until I found the peace He was talking about!
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