An Alternate Route

Grace is when God gives us good things even when we don't deserve them and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we actually deserve. As I've been packing up the house for this monumental move across country I have taken notice at how many blessings God has given me. Not just material blessings such as a roof over my head, a warm bed, hot water, food and drink....but unseen blessings that are not apparent to the eye but only to the keen heart. The Holy Spirit has been opening the eyes of my heart to all the thwarted attacks that could have happened but never did. I am finding myself full of gratitude to God for exactly what He has given me and for all the other things He has protected me from.

It may sound silly at first but if you ponder it you will realize all the tiny and big blessings that you have each day. We tend to only focus on what's happening and harbor a spirit of complaining for what we don't have rather than a thankful spirit for what we should be glad we didn't get! I find through the day as I begin to worry about something that might happen...I begin to turn my worry into praise that that actual worry hasn't happened! I find myself saying more and more, "Praise you Lord for Your goodness and Your protection. Whatever happens in my life happens in Your hand,Your grace will be sufficient for me because Your loving-kindness endures forever!" I know now that He loves me and His intentions are not to hurt me (Jeremiah 29:11). He is a good Father and seeks only that I grow up with a strong and fine character. He is the giver and taker of all things, He hears my prayers and my petitions but as I come to see His great love for me I understand that I must end those prayers with, "Your will though Father, not mine."

Slow down a bit today and set aside some time to ponder all the things that not only God has blessed you with but for all the things He is protecting you from! Psalm 100:4 says we are to enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise! Do you want to be in the presence of the most loving and forgiving entity ever to exist? Do you want to feel loved by the God who took on human form and came, walked among us and  died in our place then rose again so that we could have life eternal? Do you want to have your worries and shame washed away? Do you want peace? Then go sit alone with Him and just praise Him.

Psalm 103:1, Praise the Lord, O my soul...

Isaiah 61:3, ......a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. 

For Rain

It's cold and the rain is playing its song as it falls upon my garden. The sounds woke me slowly and played softly as background music to my dreams. Poetry filled me and spilled from me as my eyes wanted to open but refused. I wrote in my heart these words....

I have lived in the darkness of the shadows of my grief, too long. I choose now to step into the light, the light behind the shadows. I will let it lift me and comfort me, for I have been weak and so tired. The darkness made me sickly but the light will heal me. There is "wonderful" in my mind and it feels lovely and kind. I will choose praise over complaints, love over animosity, lightness over heaviness, laughter over tears. My longings shall be joy gleaned from goodness rather than sorrow swept up from despair, and my tattered soul will find repair. A smile, a smile rises from the deep and covers me and those around me. O, darkness, you cannot come where I am, I can only come to you....but I choose not to.

Although it is cold and raining today....I am warm and full of light. In my soul, it's raining "light".

Script from the Sky

The thought came to me like a bright exploding bolide. Its truth blinded me and shocked me at first but I knew it had to be. "Turn your life completely upside down, mix it up and trust God where the pieces fall!", the inner voice said to me. Alright, I'll take that challenge, I'll go forward boldly and not let fear stop me. Next thing I knew we had bought a house 3000 miles away.

Along this journey I have had numerous anxiety attacks and mini breakdowns. The physical exhaustion of packing, the grueling mental fatigue, not to mention the emotional currents all seemed at times to be too much to battle. Yet with each one I sought support from my Lord, my friends, my kids and my husband, and they all lifted me up, encouraged me and set me back on my path. I had allowed life to suffocate me, depress me and discourage me to the point where I just isolated myself from everything. I had become bitter, sad, fatalistic and joyless. Then, God sent the meteor into my soul and woke me up! I went from wanting to die to wanting to live!

God allows us to go through many things in life and His desire is to display His mighty love and power to us through those trials. Sadly, we choose so often to go our own way. We choose pity parties, selfishness, stubbornness, pride, anger, distractions, busyness, depression, discouragement.... We blind ourselves to His glory. Ephesians 3:20-21 states, "To Him (Jesus) who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory." WE MISS OUT ON SO MUCH BECAUSE WE CHOOSE DOUBT OVER TRUST! He is able. Are you able to trust Him? Are you able to choose "the good part"?

I chose the bad part for way to long but God being the Master Redeemer, used all my choices to teach me and mature me. He didn't waste one opportunity and never gave up on me. He believed in me when I didn't believe in Him. There will always be ups and downs in life but I believe God desires us to find a happy middle. A place where we acknowledge the pain but take joy in His love. A place where we look at the good in our life but feel empathy for and serve those who are down. A place where we find rest and peace in His presence even when a storm is raging around us. A place where we walk beside Him, not anxiously ahead or fearfully behind.

I'M CHOOSING TO LIVE and I'm so excited! As fears keep jumping in front of me and saying scary things about "the what ifs" in life, I just say, "Get out of my way cause I'm coming through!" Each time I do that, each time I think positive rather than negative, each time I choose life, my physical body heals. I was crippled and now I'm running (figuratively)! How sad that I let my mind and my fears rob me for so many years. That's the past though and I don't live there anymore! All that stinkin thinkin effected my health and it's amazing to me now that by just changing my thoughts and choosing life....I'm feeling wonderful and my heart is filled with hope!

Beloved, it says in Proverbs that a happy heart is like good medicine. Choose forgiveness, humility, joy and love over holding a grudge or believing that someone actually wins when there is a test of wills. It's all a waste of time and life. Let Christ into your heart and mind and let Him change you into His image. It's the only winning solution....trust me. We can't do it perfectly but we can desire it and work at it. My husband's brother who is "special in needs" lives with us and his upbeat, happy, funny and positive ways challenge me daily to get over the small stuff and just smile instead! I was terrified at first to become his full-time caregiver but now I can't imagine life without him. It's like having a life size teddy bear who is always happy, thoughtful and funny. Our fears are just doubts in action, so don't fuel them anymore. Choose your attitude wisely because your mind-frame will set the stage for your life's play!

Psalm 84:5-6, Blessed are those whose strength is in the Lord....As they pass through the Valley of Baca (the valley of weeping), they make it a place of springs.

For What?

Yesterday I was really wiped out physically from all the packing. I'm doing all this with a couple bruised ribs and of course, my lower back went out on top of it. So, I chose the wise thing to do and I rested. I've had a blog post started for about a week now and didn't have time to work on it so what better time to focus and finish it. I spend all day and labored over this precious message that I know God himself gave to me. It was clever, poignant, and full of meaning....and in a matter of a second.....it was erased. My computer froze and in the process of re-booting, the entire post was wiped out.

At first I was in shock that a piece of my soul, mind and spirit, not to mention the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, just evaporated. Then, sorrow paid a visit and I could feel the tears burning as if they were rising from my gut. How could this have happened? Why? Why Lord, would you let all that effort and blessing from Your Holy Spirit just disintegrate? As the evening went on, it all turned into anger, then rage, as I visualized me hacking up my computer with a sharp axe! I couldn't let go of it and it was eating me up.

A good night's sleep guided me to the morning and of course, the first thing I thought of was, the lost blog post! I could feel my jaws clench and my attitude grow sour as I recalled the event of the previous day. "There's no way I'm going to carry this another day Lord. Help me." and I grabbed my daily devotional. Why am I surprised that it spoke directly to my heart? Every time I turn to God, He meets me right where I am and meets my need completely. Every time, and this morning was no different as the words on the page jumped into my heart and mind with accurate aim and healed my bitter soul. The reading went on to speak of a preacher/missionary who gave his life to God but died very young. The gist of it was...."Where was the purpose in the loss?"

Loss...it's such an awful word, and my least favorite word in our vocabulary. Loss is painful, grueling, it seems to be not fair, full of bitterness and the embryo to pain. My loss was insignificant when compared to what the victims of Storm Sandy are going through. It is a spit in the bucket when I judge it next to what my sister is going through with her husband's kidney failing. But, loss is loss, and all loss needs to be grieved! No matter how small or seemingly insignificant it is, we must respect it and grieve it or else it gets buried deep into our psyche and only causes deeper problems.

Although our losses are to be dealt with on a minute by minute basis, allowing God to comfort us and heal us, it is the collateral damage of the loss that needs to be released. Carrying bitterness, anger and resentment only causes us to break down and renders us ill in the matters of healing. Letting go of the barnacles that grow upon our spirits is crucial to being able to handle loss. They serve as only weights that pull us down and leave us drowning in emotions. I found myself this morning asking, "For what?", "Why should I bother pouring my heart out through the written word to just have it consumed by a technological entity!" But God spoke to me this morning telling me through His written word that He has a higher purpose. My lost blog post was lost to Him and it wasn't in vain if I choose to do all things for His glory and not mine.

Beloved, whatever your loss is, loose it unto Him. His mighty, loving hands hold all our sorrows and He saves every tear. He has a higher intention and until we learn to trust Him in all things we will just go about life carrying a sad sack of regrets. Today I choose to see the lost words of my heart laying at His feet. I choose to trust Him and surrender my anger, knowing that He cares for me. I choose to not run to the alter of pride and entitlement but lay prostate before the King of Kings and let Him love me. There are two directions we can go, one is to self, where we focus only on our needs and the other is to God, where all our needs are met. The only true loss is the surrender of our desires, yet, He will fill us and move us forward to do His will....not ours.

Carry on Christian soldiers, unhindered and unafraid.

It matters not how the battle goes, The day how long; Faint not! Fight on! Tomorrow comes the song.

Isaiah 45:11, Concerning the work of my hands command ye me.

Hard Won

Great truths are greatly won, not found by chance, nor wafted on the breath of summer dream; but grasped in the great struggle of our soul, hard buffeting with adverse wind and stream. Author unknown

I awoke this morning as I have been the last few days, at 5 am. The emotions are running high due to the impending move across country. I chose this day though, to arise to a crisp early morning and go to our quiet family room and turn on the warm light, look at some country decor books and read my daily devotional. My expectations were high of having a cuddly serene time on my couch with my cup of coffee and the peace of being alone. Within moments my dogs were rustling and my adorable little Yorkshire Terrier started crawling all over me acting strange. Then as she looked up at me with her sweet face, she threw up all over me and the couch! Within a few minutes my husband came out of the bedroom to start his day and all I could think was, "Seriously!" All I wanted was some serene time in a picture perfect setting and BAM, life was rolling!

I could feel a spirit of anger and frustration come over me as I scrubbed the couch and myself. My quiet morning now had the sound of  dishes being washed and the smell of cleaning products! I wanted to scream, "Can't I even have two minutes to myself!" but instead I chose to go sit outside for a few minutes and pray. "Lord", I said, "I am so tired and stressed from packing and all I wanted was some peace! Can't I have a little normal?" As soon as I murmured those words I heard the sweet voice of the Holy Spirit in my heart whisper, "This is normal."

I have lived my life with the notion that "normal" was something that was realistic and attainable. The events that happened this morning were actually a blessing to my soul. God gave me a lesson and I realized that this lesson will carry me when I otherwise would choose to fall. Normal is all the clammer and happenings that go on in a day. Abnormal is when they aren't happening as part of our life! It's really the abnormal that we should be desiring! The gifts that God gives us are not uninterrupted moments but moments that we allow Him to interrupt! Our greatest blessings are found in Him through the distractions of life.

How many times in our life can we look back on and say, "I wish I did that different." How many times have we let the distractions, mishaps and interruptions of life cause us to take our frustrations out on our loved ones, friends, co-workers or even strangers? I have a quote over my desk that reads, "This is not a disaster....it's an inconvenience!" Friends, let's learn to take a deep breath when life goes awry. Let us learn from the Master, Jesus, who longs to teach us how to take life in stride and keep our peace of soul composed when life becomes bumpy. Pull away from the circumstance and draw near to the Prince of Peace. Women who have children tugging at you, secure the kids and then take even a couple minutes to put some Christian music on in the house. Go and hide in the bathroom for a few moments and keep a daily devotional in there or a bible or journal. Men, go out to the garage or take a short walk before your fuse hits the powder. Anything is better than hurting ourselves or someone else with words of anger. Breath and pray.

Ephesians 6:12 states, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." This paragraph goes on to describe to believers how to put on the armor of God. I suggest reading it for it is our only hope in a world of constant attacks. Satan's only goal is to get people to believe that God won't help them. That they are alone and helpless with their life. Don't let that lie rob you of all God wants for you. When life goes crazy don't blame God, blame the evil one that seeks only to rob and destroy. God is our refuge and He came to save not tear down the ones He loves.

Another thing that I learned this morning is to laugh more. Life and all its troubles and frustrations can weight us down to a point where we become cave dwellers. Laughter lifts us up to the sky where there is fresh air and views of hope! Learning to laugh and smile helps us to not take ourselves or inconveniences so seriously. Pride and entitlement can be an awful trigger to anger and selfish behavior! Change your pride to prayer.

These battles are not easy, they are hard won. But, with a commitment to choose God in the ludicrous events of life we can find wisdom rather than foolishness, peace as opposed to frustration and joy instead of anger. Beloved, in every trial and situation there is a sweet lesson from God that can take our character from one of poor stature to one of integrity. Choose this day who you will serve, the god of this earth who brings frustration, anger, malice, pride, regret, sorrow, shame....OR the God of love, who desires to transform you into a person gifted with wisdom, adorned with honor, instilled with peace and overflowing with joy. Knock each small frustration down with a prayer before they build up and make you act unbecomingly.

1 John 3:1, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 

Prince of Peace

God is so good! He assuages our fears and replaces our anxieties with His peace. One prayer at a time He is faithful and powerful to lift our spirits by filling us with His Spirit of comfort and strength. How many moments in our life do we waste because we hold on to our worries and not set them at His feet of grace?

Last week we went to NY and visited our son and his family. While there we ended up buying a house! In a matter of a few days we had made a decision that would change every paradigm in our lives. Needless to say, the anxiety started rolling over us like category five hurricane winds. The old me would be curled up in a ball mumbling like a shell shocked soldier but God knew what was in our future and I can see so clearly how He prepared me for this monumental change. I trust Him now like never before and truly believe that all His intentions for me are good ones. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I (God), know the plans I have for you, they are plans to prosper you, not harm you, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when u pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me with all your heart." There has never been a time when I sought God and He wasn't there for me!

Our new journey will bring waves of doubt, fear, anxiety, confusion, exhaustion....but our God is bigger than all those things, even if they all hit at the same time! Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Zephaniah 3:17, "I am with you, I am mighty to save. I will take great delight in you. I will quiet you with My love. I will rejoice over you with singing." Beloved, God is singing over you!

Before we left for NY God gave me a scripture that proved to be a lifeline! I read it from a book and forgot where it was exactly in the bible but memorized it, "For I am the Lord your God who holds your right hand, and who says to you, "Do not be afraid, I will help you." Through the entire week I paraphrased it as if Jesus were standing right next to me and looking down at me. I kept looking up at Him and picturing Him smiling down at me saying, "Come on little one, I'm your God, take my right hand, don't be afraid because I'm with you all the way and I'll help you with everything." The Sunday after we got to NY I decided to stay home (at my son's house) and just rest with the Lord while the others went to church. I took my son's bible and opened it and there was that scripture! Isaiah 41:13, the Word that God had personally given to me was right there before me! That was not a coincidence! Our God is a personal God who speaks to us if we seek Him!

As I read many chapters in Isaiah, God spoke to me in waves of love as He unfolded scripture after scripture to me of His great and powerful promises. Isaiah 26:3,4 - Isaiah 45:3,4, "I have carried you since your birth...I will continue to be with you and sustain you, even when you are old. I will always carry you; I will always sustain you; I will always rescue you. Keep your mind focused on Me and I will keep you in perfect peace." I encourage you to read the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament, chapters 40-66 and glean from it what God wants to say to you personally. Underline the parts that speak to your heart, write some on note cards and put them in your car, on your bathroom mirror, next to your bed, by your kitchen sink or on your desk. Let God's Word sink deep into you and grow deep roots that no storm can uproot!

Do you need peace? Then seek the Prince of Peace and He will be right there to rescue you. Matthew chapter 14, verses 23-33, Night fell, and out on the lake the disciples were in trouble. For the wind had risen and they were fighting heavy seas. About four o'clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water! They screamed in terror, for they thought He was a ghost. But Jesus immediately spoke to them, reassuring them. "Don't be afraid." He said. Then Peter called to Him, "Sir, if it is really you, tell me to come over to you, walking on the water." "All right," the Lord said, "come along!" So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But, when he looked around at the high waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me Lord!" he shouted. INSTANTLY, Jesus reached out His hand and rescued him. "O man of little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?" And when they had climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. The others sat there, awestruck. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed.

Beloved, If you cry out to Jesus, He will be there instantly to rescue you. It may seem as though your circumstances aren't changing sometimes but think of how many ways we need to be rescued!  He will lift your head when you feel downcast, fill your empty soul, quench your needs, carry you through, give you peace in the storm, send a kind person, give you a worthy task to keep you busy through a mentally or emotionally trying time....He will always be there.

Prince of Peace, Lover of my Soul,

There is no place You will not go;

To rescue me and comfort me,

Whatever my fear, I am not alone.

I will keep you in perfect peace if you will keep your mind steadfast on Me and always trust Me...I am a Rock you can always stand on. Isaiah 26:3-4

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength!

 

 

Yoke of Slavery

In the book of Galatians, chapter 5, verse 1, it reads, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." The past week has been monumental for me in regards to freedom. I have struggled for years with bouts of depression and have always felt like a helpless victim to it. I believed that it was a dark cloud that slowly creeped over me and there was nothing that I could do about. I tried medication but it made me feel very disconnected from my passions in life and it didn't help the depression either. I actually received more relief from changing my diet and being more steadfast in my relationship with Christ. Last week I turned fifty four and there was a big part of me that wanted to look back at those past years and think of them as a sad waste. But, God gave me a fantastic birthday gift this year and opened my mind to some new truths!

Last Thursday I was at bible study and one of the women there said something that changed me. She said, "Stop thinking like the Greeks. They would look at everything and wonder, "Where is the reasoning in that?" We must think like Gods people, like the Jews did, and ask instead, "Where can I see God in that?" I had been exhausting myself all my life with a deep rooted need to understand not only the things in my own life but also why there was so much pain and suffering in the entire globe! This week God reached into me and spoke to the deepest part of my psyche, bringing me an awakening of His fathomless love. He knew I was finally ready to hear it, that I had finally put my anger on His alter and wanted to sacrifice it to Him. I was willing to let Him change me.

We all have operating assumptions (OA) that we default to whenever we become perplexed. Someone may find themselves in a conversation where they might have to start taking responsibility for some of their actions so they would resort to their OA of responding with, "I don't know what to tell you! That's just the way I am!" or "I never do that! You're crazy!" and so on. This week the Holy Spirit shined a bright light on one of mine! Whenever a situation would happen where I felt uncertain, overwhelmed, discouraged, afraid....I would withdraw into depression so I wouldn't have to deal with it. It was also a safe zone for me to have a place to gather my thoughts and re-group for whatever was coming. Well, more of a not-so-safe-zone since it was a defense mechanism rather than a coping mechanism. Albeit, OA's can be a constructive, positive way of dealing with changes that are required of us or they can be destructive and negative, where they not only hurt us but those around us!

God showed me that I had to change my OA's or else I was doomed to a life of self victimization. I saw first hand how much God loves me and wants me free of ANY yoke of slavery! I had one of my worse storms of depression after this epiphany and it knocked me down at first but the Holy Spirit would not let the work He had begun in me to not be completed!(Phil 1:6). I felt it as it happened, He opened up areas of reality in my mind and for the first time, I got out of bed, stood up and said to myself, "I wonder what would happen if I didn't go into that depression? What if I didn't default to my old way?, so I pressed onward to see, and praise God, it wasn't the horror that I thought it would be! All those years the enemy (satan) had me believing the lie that it was too scary to face my fears. On the other side of that dark, creeky, cob-web covered door...........was light and hope and joy! I challenged my OA and found that the most frightening place was where I was holding myself prisoner, in my own fears.

What bars are you behind? People are living their lives with strongholds that are keeping them from all that God desires for them. Is your prison a sexual one, filled with pornography, unclean thoughts  or maybe infidelity and lies? Do you harbor fantasies that if exposed you would be humiliated? Some live lives of denial and never grow. Some are so angry that they have no peace and won't allow those around them any either. There are prison bars of secret abuse, alcohol, drugs, slothfulness, gluttony (how many of you use food as your drug?). We can be held captive by envy, jealousy, hatred toward others or self, unforgiveness, pride. Or, maybe you are a liar or live live in a prison of guilt and shame. I don't have to pick just one because I suffer with many and that's precisely why we need a Savior! If you don't think so then ponder for a moment on how many "things" or "people" that you idolize with your TIME all while you're ignoring the Lover of your soul, Jesus, who sacrificed His own life for you.

Matthew 11:29 reads, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Compare that to all the junk we stuff our life and bodies with! Matthew 6:33....Seek first His kingdom and righteousness and all these other things will be given to you. God came for the sinners not the shiny! Bring your problems, your trash, your filth....to Him and He will honor that obedience with an outpouring of His boundless love, compassion and limitless power to help you to overcome anything! Stop living in the dark, the lies, the fears and go through that frightening door to find salvation, light, grace, mercy, healing and love. God wants you to be free of the yoke of slavery and He wants to have a relationship with you. If you want your religion to be a living relationship then say this prayer:

Father in heaven, You gave your precious Son's life up for me so that I could be free. Free from the bondage of the enemy, free from lingering strongholds, free from death. I want to invite your Son into my heart to be my Savior and into my life to be my Lord. I confess that I am a sinner and that no matter how good of a person I am, it is only by the spilt blood of Your Son that I can be saved. I don't want to be a slave to anything or anyone but You. Everything You did, all that You do and all that You are going to do are done in love and done for your children. Thank you for adopting me and making me Your own from this day forward. Amen

John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

There is no place too low for the Savior to bring love and light and show you the way out....if you would just ask Him.

A Prayer

Lord of all Creation,

Balance me today. Balance my thoughts, my desires, my cravings. Balance my responses, my reactions, my interactions. Lord, balance the heart within me from which all things flow and balance my mind, body and soul. You, O Lord, who holds the endless universe in perfect balance, who can suspend planets in mid-air and who tells the sea where to stop, balance me today.

Make Your will - my will, Your desires - my desires. Remind me all day that through Your Holy Spirit, anything that comes into my life has had to come through You first and that everything is a lesson to grow from. Let me not expect life to be easy but to know that it will be an interesting, fascinating and sometimes puzzling journey of joys and sorrows and that I will never walk it alone. Keep me mindful that every bad thing has goodness to be found in it, if we will only look for it. And, when our plans do not fit Your plan - bless me with peace that Your plan is best and that it is safe to follow You anywhere.

Our purpose here is not to be comfortable but to be comforting, not to be stuffed with empty "things" of this earth but to be content with whatever we have and to share it with others. Balance me today in every way, encourage me to release the things I covet, and desire above all that You alone fill my wanting hands and heart.

Make my day a prayer to you, so I am connected to You every moment. Let not my pride think that I can do anything apart from You. Give me a constant hunger in my heart to be satisfied and filled only by You and to recognize You as my full portion. Above all Lord, reveal and cement in my heart Your deep and committed love that you have for me. Make me ever thirsty for Your Word and Your presence in my life. Let noone and no thing rob me of Your gift of peace knowing that Your Holy Spirit has filled me and I am sealed by Him, the giver of all Your gifts. Give me Your wisdom generously to be able to stand in all hope of You.

You are my Redeemer, my Savior, Lover of my soul and my friend. May all those I pray for find You to be all those things to them also. Whatever shape each persons emptiness is - fill it perfectly Lord as only You can do. Whenever one of them is alone, worried or scared, let Your presence comfort them and assure them. Show the lost that You are the Way and that Your truth and light will guide them and give them hope. May our desire be to see You glorified in our lives. Amen

The Square

I did this painting to represent
that we can live our life in a box
or break it and turn it into a road
that can lead somewhere.

It's one of my favorite things that God does, He takes all my anxiety and frustration about things that are going on in my head, heart and life and He reveals His wisdom regarding it all through a t.v. show! He has been doing this a lot lately and the epiphanies have been mind blowing! Thoughts and feelings in my deepest recesses that I cannot figure out and are sources of great frustration to me, He brings into focus and clarity during a thirty minute show! Whoever says that God isn't rockin doesn't know Him!

We've been watching old re-runs of Cold Case recently and it's a really interesting show. They investigate a cold case but they show the characters in current and past venues as the story unfolds. The other night there was a story about these young boys that were abused at an orphanage. Their ward attendant would make them stand in this 2'x2' square marked out with tape on the floor to punish them for the actions of just one kid. They were forced to stand for hours on end and you can only imagine the physical and psychological damage it did to them! After the show ended and I layed in my bed, the Holy Spirit began to unfold layer after layer of memories out before me and connected them with this awful feeling of being in a 2'x2' square! This anger that has been deep inside me, that I kept burying, started to rise and I could now put names to the faces! There were many issues with faces now and I felt this kind of relief settle over me because I was beginning to understand.

In our lives there are people who push, people who nudge, some make suggestions, some scare us, others may encourage us, some convince us.....to get in that square. It's where "they" are comfortable having us NOT where we are happy or where God wants us to be. How many of us have allowed someone to coax us into a square that suits their needs more than ours? How many of us have or are doing that to others? I used to be a fighter, I mean in spirit, and I pushed back when I felt someone trying to box me into "their" comfort zone. I didn't go willingly into other people's agendas just to make "them" comfortable. Yet, as I grew up I fought it a little less and started to put the feelings of others before my own, which was not a smart thing. It's perfectly fine to have manners regarding others but we are not to surrender our boundaries to be replaced by some other persons lack of! Most of us humans have this silent agenda in life and that is to get everyone around us to be agreeable so that our life can be absent of pain. I went from an immature fighter to an immature victim and couldn't find my way to a healthy perspective. Then, I prayed, and God showed me this revelation!

"Be." Yes, that's the revelation. Be active, be aware, be respectful (to yourself and to others), be happy, be sad (when appropriate), be honest, forthright, firm, kind,.......But "Be" something! Don't let everyone else determine who and what you are to Be. We complain almost constantly about how others are affecting our lives and never realize that they are herding us into a 2'x2' square. As we allow them to affect our thoughts, feelings, actions, moods.....we are allowing them to corral us into what is comfortable for them and most assuredly not what is best for us. The time we could be spending on doing beautiful things is then spent expressing a complaining spirit! I'm not saying to fight everyone or to supress your feelings, I'm just saying to be aware of other peoples agendas, whether conscience or sub-conscience. And, don't forget to watch yourself carefully, because we all do it to someone!

I allowed others so much power over my life that I eventually faded to grey. I became discouraged and felt I had no control over anything so I just surrendered. I didn't have the strength to self-protect and it was just too exhausting to try and push back anymore. It's a long and complicated saga but what I'm really hoping is that YOU will take this revelation and use it as a flashlight in your own life and use it to shine outward too so that you can be more aware of the hidden agendas around you. God wants you to have joy, yet so many of us settle for lives filled with guilt and shame. There is a balance and a middle in life if we would just be honest with others and ourselves and stop letting fear rule in our hearts. We are afraid to be honest with someone because they could reject us if we draw firm boundaries with them. We fear embarassment to ourselves or fear embarrasing others. We fear failure, success, happiness, retaliation, change......Trust me, it is scarier where you are than where you want to go.

I discovered that by just taking some action steps that bettered my life and by allowing those new actions in my life to define my creative soul, I stepped out of the square and the influence and nudging of others sloughed off. I found freedom by choosing to "be" some things that were unique to me. I began to discover "me" again. I know that sounds like a cliche' but after years of being a daughter, sister, friend, girl-friend, wife, mother.....I lost "me". I had to learn how to "be" the new "me"! I began actively doing my art again, riding my bike, going for walks, going to the beach, to the mountains, writing, dancing (alone in my bedroom to Hit list), sending out cards again! I stepped out of the square that I had allowed myself to be nudged into and stretched my arms out wide. I took a deep breath and began to see with fresh eyes all the things I had hidden away. The things I loved to do and be. I'm not saying to go get a divorce or move your kids to an over-seas boarding school, I'm just saying to step out of the square and start "Be"ing  some of you again! Make a "Be" list and write down some of the things you used to do that made you, "you". Stop complaining and "Be"come a person that does things. Take a class, sit alone in a comfortable chair in a quiet room, read, swim, volunteer, be social, walk someones dog for them, bake, garden, join a choir.......Stop feeling guilty that you haven't given enough to your family! Teach those around you about the new "healthy boundaries" that you're implementing and tell them that you expect them to have respect for them! Be an example of a person who has peace and structure. Those around you will be better people for it. Do you want to be able or an enabler? For the love of God Be kind to yourself! Treat yourself with as much love as you do others! Stop letting "them" push you back into that square. You are an adult and you can make the decision to cut yourself a slice of the pie, sit, relax and enjoy it (literally or metaphorically). Read "The Pit and the Gate" post under archives on the side bar of this post for some boundary lessons.

So, while you're out there "Be"ing, remember to Be aware of how you are affecting others. Don't box your children, your spouse, friends, or whomever......so they can't Be who they were meant to be. Don't let your fears keep them from their full potential. Learn and teach good boundaries and allow the freedom from fear to open up pockets of individual creativity. Balance is a good thing. A balanced person is much more effective for God and the community! Be what you wish others would Be towards you. This revelation has brought me a new freedom and joy. I discovered though, that there was a small part of me that missed the power of complaining and blaming. But, the new freedom is so much better, so I'm choosing that, at least more often than not. You can't change anyone around you BUT you can change you. Go and Be.........

Psalm Twenty

Whom do you trust? Do you have a source for all you need or do you try to do life all on your own, resulting in fatigue, despair, exhaustion and loneliness? Do you have a living-breathing supporter that can be with you and give you victory in all things 24/7? Do you live with complete confidence and victory on a daily, moment by moment basis? In Psalm 20, King David says a blessing, a prayer, over himself and his troops, reminding them that they do have a conqueror who goes before them and they can have confidence that in and through their God there will be victory! Verse 1 says, "In your day of trouble, may the Lord be with you." That verse confirms what we all know to be true and that is, there will be trouble in our lives. I don't know about you but my answer is "yes", I do want the Lord to be with me. May you desire that also.

Verse 4, "May He grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!" Our prayer should always be that God would make His desires our desires. When we are in God's perfect will then all that we ask is good for us and He delights in giving to His children. It's when we think that we know what is best and we don't consider His wisdom as truth, that He can't bless our plans. If we walk behind Him then we are certainly afraid of trusting Him, if we walk ahead of Him then we put our own pride before God. He wants to walk through life "with" us, side by side, as our friend. May you desire that also.

As King David prayed....... I offer this prayer for me and you.....

Lord of all Creation,

Balance me today. Balance my thoughts, my desires, my cravings. Balance my responses, my reactions, my interactions. Lord, balance the heart within me from which all things flow and balance my mind, body and soul. You, O Lord, who holds the endless universe in perfect balance, who can suspend planets in mid-air and who tells the sea where to stop, balance me today.

Make Your will - my will, Your desires - my desires. Remind me all day that through Your Holy Spirit, anything that comes into my life has had to come through You first and that everything is a lesson to grow from. Let me not expect life to be easy but to know that it will be an interesting, fascinating and sometimes puzzling journey of joys and sorrows and that I will never walk it alone. Keep me mindful that every bad thing has goodness to be found in it, if we will only look for it. And, when our plans do not fit Your plan - bless me with peace that Your plan is best and that it is safe to follow You anywhere.

Our purpose here is not to be comfortable but to be comforting, not to be stuffed with empty "things" of this earth but to be content with whatever we have and to share it with others. Balance me today in every way, encourage me to release the things I covet, and desire above all that You alone fill my wanting hands and heart.

Make my day a prayer to you, so I am connected to You every moment. Let not my pride think that I can do anything apart from You. Give me a constant hunger in my heart to be satisfied and filled only by You and to recognize You as my full portion. Above all Lord, reveal and cement in my heart Your deep and committed love that you have for me. Make me ever thirsty for Your Word and Your presence in my life. Let noone and no thing rob me of Your gift of peace knowing that Your Holy Spirit has filled me and I am sealed by Him, the giver of all Your gifts. Give me Your wisdom generously to be able to stand in all hope of You.

You are my Redeemer, my Savior, Lover of my soul and my friend. May all those I pray for find You to be all those things to them also. Whatever shape each persons emptiness is - fill it perfectly Lord as only You can do. Whenever one of them is alone, worried or scared, let Your presence comfort them and assure them. Show the lost that You are the Way and that Your truth and light will guide them and give them hope. May our desire be to see You glorified in our lives. Amen

Psalm Nineteen

Psalm 19 is amazing! David the psalmist records his meditations to the God he loves and that loves him, proclaiming the evidence of the Creators greatness, creativity and love. Vs 1, "The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands." How many times have we seen a spectacular sunset, a misty and transforming sunrise awakening a new day? Think of the nights we have gazed at the stars, some even studying them and using them to guide them. The shade of a tree, the song of a bird, a cool breeze.....a mountain view, an eagle soaring, a rainbow. Those being the grandest, not to mention the thousands upon thousands of minute miracles that happen constantly around us daily such as the complex functions of our bodies, the eco-system's balance or the simple love of a pet. Nature sings of God's glory!

Verse 3 says, "There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard." meaning that God gave us nature to see His greatness and love in and no words or interpretation are needed for that story to be heard. Romans 1:19-20 reaffirms by saying, "....since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." Then, in verse 4 of the 19th psalm, "Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the end of the world." God's Word asserts that no one can say that He doesn't exist because He is evident in all of creation!

The author then moves on to God's Word and what it means for us. Vs 7-11 (paraphrased), "The Lords law is perfect, it revives our soul, His statutes making wise the simple, His precepts bring joy to our hearts, His commands give light to our eyes, the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever and His ordinances are sure and altogether righteous!" Vs 10-11, "They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward!" By being in God's Word we can have our souls revived, be wise, have joy in our hearts, see things clearly and have a healthy respect for God that in turn, shines out toward our neighbors and the world, whereas, they then see God in us!

Without first accepting that you do see God in everything, then, desiring His guidance through His Word, we most often find ourselves dissatisfied and unhappy. We have patterns of making wrong decisions and feeling tired and discouraged in our souls because of constant battles in our minds over regrets or trying to justify certain actions or behaviors that were wrong or inappropriate. My many years of growing up in the 70's without much supervision and trying to avoid God left me with large empty holes in my soul that have taken years to clean out and fill with what I should have filled them with in the first place, God! I lived with my mind believing lies about God, that all He wanted to do was take from me and I never knew about the goodness of how He wanted to give me lovely things and make me feel worthy and cherished! How can anyone feel loved by God or know all the goodness He has for us if we don't develop a friendship with Him? Spending time in prayer, in His Word, having fellowship with other believers.....that's how you get to know someone and what they're really all about. That's how you fall in love! God already loves you, so it's just a matter of you loving Him.

Verses 12-14 ring of truth and freedom to me, "Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults." Vs 13, "Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression." Vs 14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Apart from desiring God and all that He desires for you, there is only lies that rob our joy and slavery that robs our freedoms! How much of your life has been in the repair shop rather than out enjoying life? How many more regrets and sorrows infiltrate your thoughts than do memories of good choices? Sure, there are people  who have not wandered in life too much but there are more of us that have walked the murky paths of regrets and are in desperate need of a Savior! God promises to take His soiled children, bathe us in His Son's sacrifice and forgiveness, clothe us in His righteousness and set our feet upon the Rock, which is Him!

Psalm 19 reminds us to look at everything as evidence of God's existence, to seek the truth about Him through His written Word and  to always find love at His feet through honest confession. He is real and He will always meet us wherever we are...simply because He loves us.

God is in the trees,
God is in the seas;
God is in the air,
God is everywhere.

God is in the miles,
God is in the smiles;
God is in each child,
God is everywhere.

If you don't see Him......it's because you don't want to. If you want to.....then go and see Him everywhere and in everything!

James 4:8, God says, "Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you."

Ahead

Ahead     A poem by Dee Hartmann

The darkness is lifting, the shadows are shifting;
I know there's light ahead.

My thoughts are rising, my soul feels surprising;
I know there's hope ahead.

The clouds will part, joyous songs will start.
Breath is here but life is there;
I know there's freedom ahead.

A calm will settle the storm, the sun will feel warm,
I know there's safety ahead.

My sad corner of fears, the burning of my tears, a crushed spirit for years,
I know there's joy ahead.

The clouds make us cherish the sun, the darkness to rejoice in the light;
A burning day welcomes the cool summer's night.

Tears give perspective to smiles, joy the sweet reminder of pain's past,
rush to rest allows us repose, and darkness of death, that earthy life doesn't last.

Whether sunrise or sunset lies ahead, a new spring or the falling of leaves,
it may be the clouds storming or a new life forming,
All are God's seeds.................Look ahead.

Open Heart, Open Arms, Open Doors

More often than not I have a hard time praying. Sure, I pray all day in my mind and it also seems if I am busy while I pray, it makes it easier too. My times of deep, on my knees prayer is always reserved for when I'm so overwhelmed, worn out and defeated, that falling to my face is the last and only option I have. I know that if I had a more steady prayer life then those times of feeling over burdened would be much less. I think sometimes that human nature makes us want to see how long we can go on our own power and in our own denial. A lot of factors play into the laxed prayer life, like busyness, selfishness, physical fatigue, illness, and even a "why bother?" attitude.

One of my first issues is prayer in the morning. I'm tired and praying doesn't wake me up, it makes me more tired! How can that be changed so that praying in the morning can be a rejuvenating experience rather than a snoozer? One thing is to put purpose in everything we do! We wouldn't build a business or a house without having a purpose and vision first. Prayer needs purpose and vision. Why are you praying? Really, why? Ask yourself if you really believe that God hears you and that He is going to do anything about it or are you just doing what you think is the right thing to do. Some people have become so tainted and angry at God that they pray because they know it's the right thing to do and they don't want to get God mad at them or give Him a reason to smite them, so they pray the empty prayers out of fear of hell or to maintain their ridiculous legal contract with God. That's legalism and it's a lie from the devil. We cannot earn God's love or approval, it's a free gift of love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ!

Do you want your prayer life to be alive or dead? Do you want it to be a fountain or a swamp? If you're a reasonable person I'm sure you chose to have your prayer life be alive and flowing. Here are a few suggestions:

• Start by getting up a little bit earlier. I am not a morning person and hated this suggestion but I got up 15 minutes earlier and now I love it! I even get up earlier than that :) If you make the step out of your comfort zone, God will meet you there! James 4:8 says, Draw near to Me (God) and I will draw near to you.
• Have a plan. In the Lord's prayer, we are taught exactly how to pray. Did He intend for us to recite that exact prayer word for word? No. It is a format for us to follow. Begin your prayer with praise to the One and only God who gave His life for His children and loves unconditionally. Spend time focusing on His goodness and how it has been revealed in your life. His power, protection, direction, comfort, counsel, refuge, friendship......As you read your bible, take all the words that describe God and praise Him for being those things! Visualize Him being those things in your life and call to mind His faithfulness, kindness, concern......Simply praise Him for who He is! Secondly, be grateful for being able to have a sacred alter that is right there between you and the God of the universe. You do not need anyone between you and God. Close your eyes and let the Holy Spirit bring to your mind, anything that you need to confess. God will not take your prayers until you have offered them with clean hands and heart. Lay the things that lay on you upon the alter before Him, then, confess and repent. God wants you to lay your burdens down daily so that you can then go forth unhindered by your sin. Thirdly, thank Him for everything. Pour out thanks for all that God has done in your life. Can you see with your eyes? Thank Him! Can you feed yourself? Thank Him! Can you go to the bathroom on your own? Thank Him! Are you loved? Thank Him! Do you have kindness to give? Thank Him! Can you breath? Are you clothed? Do you have peace in your heart?.........Thank Him! Thank Him even for your trials because through them God works! This process of thankfulness prepares the heart for the final stage of prayer which is Petition and Intercession. Now that your heart has acknowledged God's loving character and faithful attributes and has been cleaned of hidden sin, and you have drenched yourself with gratitude for His blessings in all things, you can now bring your concerns before him. Matthew 6:9, This, then, is how you should pray.....
• Know that prayer is a two way conversation! If we feel alone and repetitive then we loose our desire to do it. We need fresh prayer not stale prayer! Once I get past the initial, "I don't feel like doing this." thought or comment, (Which happens to be the same thing I say before going in the gym, the dentist, grocery shopping....), I find I don't want to be anywhere else. I read my bible and let His Living Word speak to me, I let His Holy Spirit move me and guide my thoughts, I've learned to talk to Him as if He's sitting right there. I act like myself because I now understand His fathomless love that He lavishes on me! He loves my laugh, my weaknesses, my quirks and my tearful or joyful eyes. He loves my voice when I sing to Him even though I sound like one of the out-takes from American Idol and He loves me even when I've done wrong and feel shameful. Often times I'll put my head down and picture it on His lap or shoulder. There are times when I've worn myself out to the point that He just wants me to rest in Him so I can wake up refreshed and spend time giving Him thanks and having a new attitude toward my loved ones! Prayer is not about asking God for stuff, it's about being in His presence and trusting Him with our needs. God has a voice you know, it's very gentle and full of love and He wants you to hear it. Psalm 46:10, Be still and know that I am God.
• Listen to praise music before and after to soften and strengthen your spirit. Listen to it in your car, your house.....Learn the words and keep them in your heart like a treasure that makes you rich inside!
• Worship God in everything you do. Every time you are kind to someone, that is worship. whenever you serve someone, that is worship. Each thought or mention of God's love, that is worship. Every meal you make, toilet you clean, snack you bring, call of concern you make.....that is worship! Even taking care of yourself by resting, eating right, exercising.....that is worship! Psalm 95:6-7, Come, let us bow down and worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care. James 1:22, Be a doer of God's Word...
• Be accountable to a complaining spirit and tongue. We will be well on our way to a vibrant prayer life and life in general if we can begin to see life from the vantage point of gratitude. I've started a new habit of whenever I find myself complaining I make my self think of five things that could be worse! It refocuses me on the truth and puts my mind in an attitude of gratitude! I tried to not complain once by putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping myself at every complaint. It lasted about 30 minutes before I was fed up with the idea because my wrist hurt! That experiment left an indelible image in my mind of the state of our hearts when they are not being held captive to God's authority! Isaiah 35:10b, Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. James 1:2a, Consider it all joy....
• Pray believing. It is imperative to believe what God promises, but you can't wing it! If you are not reading your bible then you are an open target for deception and false emotion! Do you stand on the rock of God's Word or are you flailing and being tossed about by the waves of emotion? Right now would be a good time to determine this and make sure that you are on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. Once you do that, then it's important to be sure that your heart believes in the love of God no matter what the circumstance! You must know He loves you and that there's nothing that happens that He is not in it with you and already knows what your lesson will be. He has it written in stone that your situation will work out for good, according to his will. We may not understand some outcomes but we must know that He does and He knows what's best. Romans 8:28, And we know, that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. James 1:6, When you ask, you must believe and not doubt.
•  Desire to be like Jesus. Life's purpose is about transforming us to Christ's image! If your heartfelt desire is to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus then you will come to see that everything that happens in your life is in His loving hands and has specific purpose. We are here on this earth, not to get all we want but to be made into the image of God. It takes the heavy blows of the sculptor to create his carved images and the fire of the blacksmith to mold the metal. Life is not easy, it never will be, but the good far outweighs the bad and it is through all of it that others begin to see God in and through our lives. Pray with a desire to be less selfish and more Christ-like, more giving than taking, more loving than despising, more gracious than demanding. Romans 8:29a, For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son. 

Your prayers can be alive and vibrant if you release all the fear of God punishing you that is in your mind. I have given so much over to God and desire to continue to do so, but, I have to admit that I have a very hard time handing my grand-children over to Him. This world is so evil and the things that happen to children in this wicked world are beyond my ability to cope. I have this deep fear that God will allow something horrible to happen to one of them and then want me to see purpose in that! I hate even thinking about it! But, you know what? That unconfessed fear holds me in a prayerless prison! I sometimes avoid God and live a life on the run as far as prayer goes. My mind thinks, "Don't stop, keep busy and nothing bad will happen!" That's not peace and power from God! That's torture and imprisonment from God's enemy! I don't know what life holds, but I do know who holds my life. My grand-children are safer in my prayers than they are in my lack thereof. My denial protects no one. Fear of pain, the future, disappointment....are all tactics the enemy uses to separate us from God. Prayer is like water on the fire of fears. Are you smoldering or ablaze with those lies from the enemy that keep you in fear and ineffective in your prayer life? Claim God's promises and live in their truth and blessings!

Prayers are not just for situations, but are for internal blessings such as strength, sustaining grace, peace.....  God does not want us to be held captive to  fears that will only paralyze us and make us ineffective to do the work He calls us to do. Satan uses that fear to keep us away from God and that is why prayer is so important! We need our prayers and others need our prayers too! You don't have to pray for every detail every day. That's repetition and legalism. Everyday take time to be alone with God, read some of His Word, (He may speak to you in one word, one sentence, a paragraph, a chapter....whatever the length doesn't matter), Praise Him for who and what He is, unload your heart before Him in confession and repentance, give thanks for all things and then lay your prayers before Him, trusting Him and believing that He will handle all of it. Praise of His power, might and love. Confession of our fears, faults and frailties. Gratitude for our uncountable blessings! And, the privilege to stand before the King of all peoples and things and just talk with God as one of His children! Prayer is a gift and a privilege that we should honor and protect. The world takes it away from us piece by piece, from our schools, our government.... and our gift will one day disappear. Respect the gift and exercise it. Avoiding God just makes us feel bad but when we boldly approach the throne of grace and spend time with the lover of our soul, we can then go through our day with peace and confidence!

Along with God's Word, make prayer your water and bread and He will satisfy all your needs.

"Pray" for a good prayer life :)

Try writing your prayers and thoughts. That's what works best for me. I record on paper all the things that God reveals to me through His Word and the Holy Spirit! It's taken me years though to accept God's love for me. Now that I have accepted that, every other aspect of my life has begun to take a new direction toward truth and peace. He loves you, spend time with Him, you'll be grateful for the new found freedom.

Philippians 4:6-7, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 26:3-4 & Isaiah 45:3-4, "I (God) have carried you since your birth....I will continue to be with you and sustain you, even when you have grey hairs. I will always carry you; I will always sustain you; I will always rescue you. Keep your mind focused on Me and I will keep you in perfect peace."

Number 6:24-27, "I will bless you and keep you. I will make My face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, I will turn My face toward you and give you peace.

All we will ever need...is just one prayer away, if we pray the way He taught us.

You've Been Erased

There's an old movie with Arnold Swartzenegger called, Eraser. He plays a government enigma that silently and stealthily makes innocent people disappear so that they won't be harmed by those who are seeking to silence them from witnessing against them in court. At the close of the movie, Arnold wipes out the evil and greedy men and then says, "You've been erased."

As I stared out the car window and watched life disappearing through my rear view mirror, those words came into my head, "You've been erased." I had just left the new facility where my dear friend and adopted mom has been placed. She didn't know who I was, and her sweet face just showed an expression of, "I don't know who you are but you seem to be a nice person." My heart was in my throat as it still is at every thought of her. I've had so much loss in my life that it sickens me and I am devastated at this. The sorrow and grief is lodged in my chest and gut, and I have a constant stinging in my eyes from seeping tears that are either falling or being held back. I feel paralyzed, abandoned, homeless and terrified. She was the only mom I really knew and not only has her mind been erased by Alzheimer's, but I feel erased too.

Lu and I became friends as soon as we met! I was the mother of her first grand-son and I'm sure at first she thought she had better please me or I could take him away from her. But, soon we both found that there were no hidden agenda's and we posed no threat whatsoever to each other. We just liked and respected each other and in one another we found a kindred spirit. I, the daughter she never had, and her, the mom I so desperately wanted. Ever since my mother's debilitating stroke and death when I was very young, I began growing a cynical, trustless and angry heart within me that kept everyone at a safe distance so they couldn't hurt me. Lu and I formed a special bond because we allowed the other one to enter our walls and a love and trust was built. She was the mother of my son's father, who wasn't exactly in good standings with me but regardless of that situation, she carved out a place in her life and heart for me and loved me there. She became my mom.

My friendship and bond with Lu was the most treasured part of my life. I know that may sound strange since I had a husband, son, daughter in law, grandchildren, sisters, friends, but what I had with Lu was my core. It held me up so I could do all my other relationships. She taught me how to be a mother, a wife and a woman. She taught me almost everything about life and I mean that! Her home was home for me and I don't know if anyone can understand this but I didn't have a safe place to go. Sure, I had my home with my husband but there's no place like the home of a loving mom in which you can run to and find support and unconditional love! Lu was the type that would defend you till death, always on your side and unwavering in her love.

I would drive up the coast to Lu and Barney's house in Orcutt, California with such anticipation of the love I was going to get and give. For almost 30 years that has been my earthly refuge for my mind, body and soul. It would all start with just the knowledge that I was going to be going up there! Then the great drive with my son, and eventually just by myself after he had grown, along the ocean with it's sea scents, visuals, dolphins.....then through the tunnel, honking our car horn every time just as my mom did when I was a child! Emerging out of the tunnel to climb uphill toward the beautiful country that looked so much like the old "Bonanza" show with its rolling hills spotted with trees, cattle, horses and breath taking vistas. Every time of day unveiled new shadows, lighting and scenes just as each season brought it's unique scents and feelings. Spring would waif through the windows with the scent of mustard flowers and sage and autumn was when Lu loved to drive me around the back roads through the vineyards. Blackbirds rising in dark wind blown smokey ballets over the vines, dry leaves racing across the road behind our car and us telling stories, jokes, dreams and tales of alter egos. We would stop roadside and run down into the creeks to cut cat tails to decorate our houses and as sure as dragon flies love sparkly things, Lu would stop, pick up some small rock, look at it and say, "Here, I got this for you." :) Then we'd jump in the car and take off like bandits.

We would peruse all the antique stores and thrift shops searching for small treasures while she taught me all there was to know about everything from hair savers to frying pans. Her deep south accent and gritty southern quotes were things from a Mark Twain novel. My memories of her run so deep, so high, so far and so wide that it would take volumes to contain and I'm not sure I want them pored out of my heart just yet. I want to tell of the great gift I was given but I'm afraid that by spilling it out it will be gone, erased.  I miss you Lula, I miss you so much that I'm aching like I've never ached before. I miss pulling in your driveway, I miss my bedroom, I miss sitting in your elegant bathroom on the floor talking, I miss laying in bed on our tummies with our feet up in the air and laughing. I miss you tooting and then opening the bedroom window and saying, "Did you here that? I am so sick of that neighbor fartin like that!". I miss brushing your hair and snuggling as we watched the news before bed and how grandpa would have to get me up to go to my room. I miss, I miss, I miss......I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.......So, for now that is all I'll give the world of what we had and I will keep my memories locked inside my mind and heart until the day comes when the One who erases comes for my treasures too. I miss you Lu. I'm homeless and I don't know how I'm going to do it without you.

Fear Not

God's peace is not found away from the storm but in the middle of one, where His still and quiet grace sustains you.

May you not only experience the elation's of life but also the deep things that are found in the dark caves that we are called to go through.

When after all that...you can find peace for your soul in Christ, then go, and be a peacemaker. You will then fear no more.

Isaiah 41:10, Do not fear, for I (Jesus) am with you.

Hold Still

1 Timothy 1:5 ...love which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

I have this pretty little side table that I use next to my sewing machine. It's a perfect light bone color with a high gloss finish that makes it look so elegant. One day a bottle of mending glue must have tipped over that was stored toward the back. Well, I didn't see or notice it for a week or two and during that time the glue had eaten its way through the varnish and the paint, leaving a gaping scar on the surface. Although the eye-sore was behind other things and could be hidden by my pin-cushion, it remained a scar upon what was supposed to be a beautiful and functional piece that was intended to serve a purpose.

The opening scripture reminded me of that table and the incident as I compared it to the scars of shame and guilt that I had spilled on my life. I saw God's loving hand of restoration through closing my eyes and allowing  memories of my father's work to enter my mind and how he so meticulously restored fine furniture with a skilled and loving hand. Scars are not easy to hide, whether they be on a persons heart, skin or an inanimate object. Gashes in the mind about traumas, mistakes or even shameful intentions fulfilled, can eat away at our thoughts and consciences until we have an emotional wound that is infected and in need of desperate attention. Our minds can feel like a pin-ball machine with metal balls of shame and guilt just banging around in our consciousness causing more bruising and torment until we feel a sense of relentless hopelessness.

As I sat with my eyes closed, picturing my earthly father going through all the tedious stages of restoration, I almost immediately drew the parallel of Jesus, the carpenter and Savior, and Him leaning over us, dressing our wounds and then refinishing us so that His love showed in us rather than our shame and brokenness. Then, I realized why my earthly father had so much success at restoring much beloved yet scarred furniture and it was so clear that it was because the furniture was submissive to him. It didn't fight him or fear him, it didn't run from him or hide from him. It rested still and confident under his skillful and loving hand. Yet, when Father God wants to heal our wounds and restore us to what He intended our lives to be, we run fearing His intentions.

Children of God, we are exhausted from hiding these gashes and they render us ineffective. It isn't until we pray for the courage to lie down before God and let Him apply His skilled and loving hands to our wounds and scars that we will truly be able to have His light and love shine through us into the lives of others. How can we ask others to be honest and courageous if we are hiding from our Master's hand ourselves. I am still in the process of learning to confess and repent for the things that still torment my mind, but I have developed a habit now that is such a blessing.....When a thought comes into your head and you feel shame or guilt, confess it immediately, ask for forgiveness and then place it at the foot of His throne. Every time you find yourself with it after that means you stole it from God because you desire that punishment over His love! Be very aware to be honest with yourself about this. Then, make yourself take it back to His feet, lay it down again and learn to say, "Thank you Lord, for forgiving me of this." We must stop asking for forgiveness for the same sin over and over. That is not what God wants for you! He has no desire to see you in constant torment over a sin after you have repented of it and have asked forgiveness for it. Practice saying, "Thank you for forgiving me, now let's move on."

The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Philippians wrote in chapter 3, verses 13b-14, "But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind (the past) and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." When our thoughts take us to self-pity and regret which leads to sorrow and then depression...we must call to mind God's Word to save us from the mire that intends to pull us down. Philippians 4:4-8 is one of my favorites, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy....think about such things."

Do what you have to do in accordance with God's will to go less and less to the miry pit of despair. My feeling is this, if you go there less and less and for shorter periods of time each time, then you are growing and that is a good thing! My natural tendency is to fall into despair so I've finally come to the fact that God wants to use me to encourage others who are like me to press on. This is not something God wants me to get over, but get through, and when we can finally realize that, we can see more clearly that He is calling us to help others out of the darkness. I used to think that by me being in the darkness meant that God wasn't with me or He left me or was punishing me, but those are lies! No matter what things "feel" like, the truth is that if you invited Christ into your heart, then, He "is" there and He will never leave! Wherever you are, He is there, in it with you and you can bet on that, although it may not feel like it, there is purpose in it.

Let the Master refine and renew you to fit His holy purposes. No one makes something for no reason, there is a purpose for every created thing. Whatever you are struggling with, God has not left you and He will give you all that you need to get through. I'm not saying it will be easy but it will be worth it. Beloved, if we will still ourselves and submit to the loving and wise hand of our God and Savior, He will heal your wounds, take what is scarlet and make it white as snow, give back to you the years the locust have taken and remove your sins as far as the east is from the west. He promises that the work He began in you, He will complete.

It is only the foolish child, who will not surrender to The One who wants to heal, that goes on in pain.

P.S. I have had it on my heart to minister to our wounded soldiers that are struggling with despair and suicidal thoughts. If you know of any one who is struggling with this or someone who may know someone who is, please forward this to them. I have found that we have two choices, to fall back into the darkness or press on toward the light. The numbers of suicides by our lost children and teens and our soldiers who are trying to readjust is staggering. Pray that God would reveal one of these people to you and then be an encouragement to them.

Who to Blame?

My child,

I know how you're feeling right now. It's awful, painful and you want to blame someone for all of it. It seems as if the smallest, not to mention the biggest of your prayers are being ignored and you are all alone. You're left with confusion and anger on top of your mental, physical and emotional fatigue. I know, I know my sweet child, I felt the same way when my Father had to turn from me at Calvary. I had never been separated from Him before and the feelings of being forsaken were too much to bear. Physical pain, emotional devastation and mental torture were all suffered for only one reason, "For the joy that was set before me." That joy was "you" beloved! As you go through these hard times, make "Me" the joy set before you, and we will endure it all together.

This world is rugged terrain with many dangers, disappointments, infirmities and devastation's. It won't always be like this, remember that I have gone to prepare a place for you that is beyond your wildest imaginations of what joy can be like. So, for this momentary life, although it seems like your sorrows will never end, I promise they will. But you can't make it through all this if you're blaming me. It is the evil and sinful ways of Satan that is the source of all pain, sorrows and suffering. I will soon crush him. This time of waiting is so that many more can be saved and that's what I need you to be doing. Tell others of my compassion, love and hope, show it to them through acts of kindness so that when the last person to accept me, confesses and embraces my salvation, my Father can give the call for me to come and bring you to our paradise! No more tears, no more sorrows, no more suffering, just joy.

Until then my child, I know you need to blame someone for all of it, so remember, brand it on your mind that it is The prince of lies who is the one who seeks to devour and destroy all that is good. Turn your righteous anger on him and your hope on me! Your pain will pass and you will be delivered. These trials are building in you, perseverance, endurance, patience.....See me for what I am, your refuge and source of love and compassion. I cover you with my mighty wing, I will refresh you, revive you and restore you if you will only draw near to me. I know how ugly and awful everything looks and feels to you right now but don't let that blind you to my love and promises. Whatever you go through......I go through it with you! You are not abandon nor alone. Love, Jesus  P.S. Never, never doubt my love for you.

Psalm 25:3, No one whose hope is in the Lord will ever be put to shame.

Romans 12:12, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Be Kind to Yourself

Your thoughts and the life you live are the steppingstones to who you become and who you will have to answer for, when you stand before God one day. I heard a sermon one Sunday that started a fire of truth deep in my heart. We do become what we tell ourselves is true, and the power of our inner dialog can build us up or tear us down. The truth is, no matter what station in life we were placed, no matter what someone else says or does,  no matter what happens along our journey, nothing should change the truth that God created each of us with complete uniqueness and a special purpose! With Him we can become all He has intended for us, without Him we cannot. God must be intimately involved in every aspect of our lives in order for the great things He has purposed for us to come to fruition! There is nothing we can do, or anywhere we can go that His love and grand design isn't with us! There is only one way to avoid or destroy it and that is to turn our backs on it!

Say nice things to yourself, be kind to yourself and respect yourself. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who is personal, powerful, kind, generous, sacrificial, gentle, just and full of mercy, grace and love! He sent His Son so that He could have an eternal relationship with you and He wants to be a part of all you go through! Respect the gift God gave you, YOUR LIFE, do lovely things for yourself so you can be fresh, healthy and full of energy for the tasks and services you choose to do and that God calls you to do. Stop wasting energy on negative emotions and actions...It just sucks the life out of you and leaves you ineffective. Toss any spirit of self-martyrdom to the side and reach out for help when you need it. Be co-dependent only on God! Pray for God to send blessings into your life so you can be healthy and able to go and be a blessing to others. It's okay to rest, take a nap, close your eyes and rest upon the King's lap. He is the Savior...... not you. All your worry, guilt, shame, fear  and over compensating will not give you any special powers to claim the title of "savior"! Only Jesus can give you the wisdom needed to be balanced emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, no matter what your circumstance. Your busyness is only a distraction that is keeping you distant from all the blessings from God! He wants to give you peace in your troubles, joy in your day, strength in your challenges! Examine your heart....and choose wisely, for one leads to peace and the other to turmoil.

What lies, the prince of lies, satan, spreads to God's believers. That we must wear ourselves out by becoming martyrs to false idols such as, chronic distracting busyness, obsessions with being right all the time (control), co-dependency on selfish people and their demands, fear of being exposed for being "just plain human" in our weaknesses (not perfect),..... We carry blame and anger rather than love and forgiveness, feel alone when God says we are not, spew excessive complaining, exaggerate our duties to get some attention, praise or love, use worry to show we care about others rather than peace to show we trust God. The prince of lies has us convinced that if we were to "stop" all of that, then maybe, just maybe.....God wouldn't be there and we would be all alone. LIES! ALL LIES! Stop letting fear control you and let the Holy Spirit of love and power control you! Only you can make that choice.

Matthew 11:28-30, Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Don't wait till you are so exhausted and full of guilt, shame, fear and
worry to acquire wisdom and enjoy rest.
You may find that you have worn yourself out to the point of breaking
and that wouldn't be good.
Speak kindly to yourself and others, trust and rest in the Everlasting Arms.
God loves you dear one, and His love, mixed with your trust, is a healing balm for your mind, body and soul.

Psalm 62:1, My soul finds rest in God alone.

Psalm Eighteen

The cords of death entangled me, torrents of destruction overwhelmed me, cords of the grave coiled around me, snares of death confronted me. I cried out, my mind and heart were in distress. I was in deep waters and my powerful enemy was too strong for me. Disaster was coming for me, attacks from people and violence was encroaching upon my life!

We have numerous enemies that encroach upon our lives, cancer, illness, depression, loss, personal attacks from loved ones, friends and enemies, natural disasters..... There is no short of problems as long as you live among the living, that's for sure. When David in Psalm 18 speaks of his enemies, we can certainly put a myriad of titles that would apply to our personal situation. That's why the Psalms are so comforting, reassuring and validating. We can open our bibles to these sacred writings and find not only someone who understands but who also can provide all we need to have victory over them! The question lies in what each person defines victory as.

If you are in the darkness, wouldn't light be a welcome blessing? But what if the light wasn't provided for your eyes but for your heart? Verse 28 says, "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning, You turn my darkness into light." I can attest to this blessing because when I was swallowed up by a deep darkness, God always filled my hearts lamp with oil so that the light of His truth would get me through! Two examples that gave me a mental picture and kept "hope" always before me were, the movie, "The Shawshank Redemption" and the saga of the Chilean miners. I was under great distress in my situation but I had a beautiful, warm, clean bed in which to lie. Many people in the world can't say that! There were no physical enemies that were pursuing me with threats of violence. Many people in the world can't say that! I was free to worship my God through it without fear of death, I wasn't imprisoned, I wasn't trapped! Many people in the world can't say that! My home wasn't swept away in a tsunami, I had all the comforts of home. Many people in the world can't say that! I was loved and not alone. Many people in the world can't say that! Did my situation take me to the marrow of my existence? YES, it did! Did I have more to be thankful for than to complain about? YES!

Our pain, grief, loss, illness....should always be grieved properly. But from one person who has scraped bottom, I can tell you that no matter how dark it may get, God will keep your lamp full with oil! And, through that internal light, we must learn to not become bitter but blessed. When we have troubles we instinctively get tunnel vision that focuses only on that issue and obsession takes root! No one wants problems in their life, it's our natural bend to desire progression and reward. So when life throws us a monkey wrench in our self-controlled life, we tend to magnify the issue till we can get rid of it. Problem is that we don't always have that kind of control. God, whether we can see it or not, always has a plan and will take our trials in His own hands to form a narrative for each life involved. That plan is bigger than us and beyond what we can comprehend. So dear ones, that is when we have to loosen our grip, take a deep breath and say, "Thy will not mine be done, O Lord." Jesus did that for us at Calvary, why would we deserve to escape problems and trials when the Son of God had to surrender to His Father's higher purpose, which was our salvation!

I know, life is not fair, but child of God, He is good and we must find our peace with Him that He knows what is best. Whatever your enemy is right now, or maybe it's your friend or a family member that is fighting a battle, this is just a part of what God has to say through His Word.....I AM your rock, your deliverer, your refuge, your shield, your salvation and stronghold. I will reach down from on high and take hold of you, I will draw you from the deep waters and rescue you. I will support you and bring you out into a spacious place because I delight in those who seek righteousness. My way is perfect and My Word flawless. I will prepare you when you must go into battle, I AM your rock, I AM there for you. Your enemies will lose heart, but not you. I will be faithful to save the humble. Psalm 18 closes with, "The Lord lives! Praise be to my rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me....who saves me from my enemies.

If you are a tepid believer, then you will most likely question God when things don't go your way. But, if you grow to trust Him and believe that He is in every circumstance, you will find a peace that is beyond your own ability or comprehension. His Holy Spirit will fill you with comfort, power, wisdom, grace.....all that you will need! Just do three things when troubles come, ask yourself, "Who is the One who can get me through this? And He will always be the One to answer, "I AM." Then, seek Him, (read your bible (start with Psalms:), go to church, get a friend of faith, spend time alone with the God who loves you, talk and listen to Him through His Word). And thirdly, for every problem you have, find 3-5 things that could make it worse and thank God you were spared of those, for it could always be worse! God will bring light into your darkness, sometimes by bringing it to you and other times by bringing you to it. We have victory in all things through Christ.

Psalm Seventeen

As I read today's Psalm, verse seven especially jumped out at me. "Show the wonder of your great love, O Lord." This has become a staple in my prayers for others. Whether praying for family, friends or just someone I see as I'm driving by, I ask God to let them see His great love for them. There isn't anything in this life that can take us down if we are aware of His agape (unconditional) love for us. We all have struggles that threaten to disengage or derail us from what we consider comfortable, safe or familiar. Those struggles can come in many forms such as financial, emotional, physical, mental or circumstantial and anything that challenges our "normal" life is scary and unsettling. It's only His love that steadies us.

God's desire is not to give us a comfortable and uninterrupted lifestyle that affords us only happiness and undisturbed plans. If left to our own fears we would remain root-bound and ineffective in life, so God transplants us constantly so we can grow and flourish, giving glory to Him and Him alone. Having peace, joy and a steady sense of safety comes only from growing. We think that if we don't disturb life and tread very quietly that we won't awaken the monster of problems but that's just a fantasy. If we aren't growing and enjoying that growth then we are just surviving and inwardly waiting for the other shoe to fall. We live in a constant state of worry, panic and doubt and those emotions destroy us!

How do we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (which are the fruits of God's Holy Spirit)? We trust Him. How do we trust Him? We read His Word and let it guide, comfort, instruct and bless us. We invite Him into our moments, our days, our circumstances. We take joy that He has given us His Spirit that inhabits, guides, teaches and comforts us in all things. The bible tells us that there will be troubles and psalm 17 is a perfect example of that. David is surrounded by trouble as King Saul is pursuing him to destroy him. David begins by crying out to God, "Hear me Lord, listen to my cries, give ear to my prayer!" He then makes the distinction between himself, a man of God, and those who are seeking to do evil against him. In verse 6, David's cry is not the emotional one that he began with but a confirmation of God's faithfulness, "I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes." David continues with, "keep me, hide me.... rise up Lord and confront them, bring them down, rescue me..." These are strong words from a heart that trusts God, a heart and mind that knows God's faithfulness and promises!

If we do not read our bibles, pray, go to church, fellowship, learn, grow, rest....in God's promises then we are warriors without a sword, and good luck with that. The troubles of this world will bump, bruise, cut and wear you down to a point where all you will cry out is, "Why?, Why God?, Why?" Wouldn't you rather be empowered by the same Spirit that rose Christ form the dead? Wouldn't you rather know that all things have a purpose and that you are supported and loved through all your trials? I read something the other day that profoundly changed my faith. I'm doing a bible study on the fruit of the Spirit by Beth Moore and there was a quote from Foxe's Book of Martyrs where John Foxe writes that, according to the ancient historian, Hegesipppus: Nero sought matter against Peter (the apostle) to put him to death; which, when the people perceived, they entreated Peter with much ado that he would flee the city. Peter, through their importunity at length persuaded, prepared himself to avoid. But, coming to the gate, he saw the Lord Christ come to meet him, to Whom he, worshipping, said, "Lord, whither dost Thou go? To whom He (Jesus) answered and said, "I am come again to be crucified."....... Did you get that????? Peter was heading for big trouble! He was headed to be crucified and as he went to flee, there stood Jesus, and the Lord made it clear that Peter would not go it alone! Jesus suffered and died with Peter, as He will do for everyone of His children when we face trials and troubles! We are NEVER alone!

We are promised the indwelling of God's own Spirit to go with us through this life and Christ Himself will be with us when we depart this life! The only thing that stands between peace and a vexed heart is doubt. With God there is power and purpose in every circumstance, without Him there is only confusion and bitterness. Dear ones, I know what I'm talking about because most of my life was spent not believing God. Oh, I believed in Him but I didn't believe Him. There's a big difference and I'm very familiar with it because I chose to blame Him for all my problems! But praise be to Him who loves and saves even the ones who shake their fists at Him! Yes, "Show the wonder of Your great love, O Lord!" He showed it to me when I didn't deserve it and no matter how many times you fail, He will pick you up, kiss your forehead and encourage you to carry on, all while He covers you with His mighty wing.

So, pray for yourself, for others, that He would show the wonder of His great love so we can be healed and continue on, giving glory to His name! He calls his children, "The apple of His eye." because we are precious to Him, so much that He died on a cross for our sins. "Tetelestai!", His final words cried out from Calvary....meaning PAID IN FULL. Oh, that we would never cease praying that, "THAT LOVE" would never escape our hearts and minds.

1 Peter 4:12-13, Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.

Revelation 3:8b, Jesus spoke, "I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My Word and have not denied My Name."

Revelation 7:17b, And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Jude 1:21, Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

God works best in the darkness because He's the only One with a light!

He is our hope. Stay close to Him.