There's an old movie with Arnold Swartzenegger called, Eraser. He plays a government enigma that silently and stealthily makes innocent people disappear so that they won't be harmed by those who are seeking to silence them from witnessing against them in court. At the close of the movie, Arnold wipes out the evil and greedy men and then says, "You've been erased."
As I stared out the car window and watched life disappearing through my rear view mirror, those words came into my head, "You've been erased." I had just left the new facility where my dear friend and adopted mom has been placed. She didn't know who I was, and her sweet face just showed an expression of, "I don't know who you are but you seem to be a nice person." My heart was in my throat as it still is at every thought of her. I've had so much loss in my life that it sickens me and I am devastated at this. The sorrow and grief is lodged in my chest and gut, and I have a constant stinging in my eyes from seeping tears that are either falling or being held back. I feel paralyzed, abandoned, homeless and terrified. She was the only mom I really knew and not only has her mind been erased by Alzheimer's, but I feel erased too.
Lu and I became friends as soon as we met! I was the mother of her first grand-son and I'm sure at first she thought she had better please me or I could take him away from her. But, soon we both found that there were no hidden agenda's and we posed no threat whatsoever to each other. We just liked and respected each other and in one another we found a kindred spirit. I, the daughter she never had, and her, the mom I so desperately wanted. Ever since my mother's debilitating stroke and death when I was very young, I began growing a cynical, trustless and angry heart within me that kept everyone at a safe distance so they couldn't hurt me. Lu and I formed a special bond because we allowed the other one to enter our walls and a love and trust was built. She was the mother of my son's father, who wasn't exactly in good standings with me but regardless of that situation, she carved out a place in her life and heart for me and loved me there. She became my mom.
My friendship and bond with Lu was the most treasured part of my life. I know that may sound strange since I had a husband, son, daughter in law, grandchildren, sisters, friends, but what I had with Lu was my core. It held me up so I could do all my other relationships. She taught me how to be a mother, a wife and a woman. She taught me almost everything about life and I mean that! Her home was home for me and I don't know if anyone can understand this but I didn't have a safe place to go. Sure, I had my home with my husband but there's no place like the home of a loving mom in which you can run to and find support and unconditional love! Lu was the type that would defend you till death, always on your side and unwavering in her love.
I would drive up the coast to Lu and Barney's house in Orcutt, California with such anticipation of the love I was going to get and give. For almost 30 years that has been my earthly refuge for my mind, body and soul. It would all start with just the knowledge that I was going to be going up there! Then the great drive with my son, and eventually just by myself after he had grown, along the ocean with it's sea scents, visuals, dolphins.....then through the tunnel, honking our car horn every time just as my mom did when I was a child! Emerging out of the tunnel to climb uphill toward the beautiful country that looked so much like the old "Bonanza" show with its rolling hills spotted with trees, cattle, horses and breath taking vistas. Every time of day unveiled new shadows, lighting and scenes just as each season brought it's unique scents and feelings. Spring would waif through the windows with the scent of mustard flowers and sage and autumn was when Lu loved to drive me around the back roads through the vineyards. Blackbirds rising in dark wind blown smokey ballets over the vines, dry leaves racing across the road behind our car and us telling stories, jokes, dreams and tales of alter egos. We would stop roadside and run down into the creeks to cut cat tails to decorate our houses and as sure as dragon flies love sparkly things, Lu would stop, pick up some small rock, look at it and say, "Here, I got this for you." :) Then we'd jump in the car and take off like bandits.
We would peruse all the antique stores and thrift shops searching for small treasures while she taught me all there was to know about everything from hair savers to frying pans. Her deep south accent and gritty southern quotes were things from a Mark Twain novel. My memories of her run so deep, so high, so far and so wide that it would take volumes to contain and I'm not sure I want them pored out of my heart just yet. I want to tell of the great gift I was given but I'm afraid that by spilling it out it will be gone, erased. I miss you Lula, I miss you so much that I'm aching like I've never ached before. I miss pulling in your driveway, I miss my bedroom, I miss sitting in your elegant bathroom on the floor talking, I miss laying in bed on our tummies with our feet up in the air and laughing. I miss you tooting and then opening the bedroom window and saying, "Did you here that? I am so sick of that neighbor fartin like that!". I miss brushing your hair and snuggling as we watched the news before bed and how grandpa would have to get me up to go to my room. I miss, I miss, I miss......I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.......So, for now that is all I'll give the world of what we had and I will keep my memories locked inside my mind and heart until the day comes when the One who erases comes for my treasures too. I miss you Lu. I'm homeless and I don't know how I'm going to do it without you.
As I stared out the car window and watched life disappearing through my rear view mirror, those words came into my head, "You've been erased." I had just left the new facility where my dear friend and adopted mom has been placed. She didn't know who I was, and her sweet face just showed an expression of, "I don't know who you are but you seem to be a nice person." My heart was in my throat as it still is at every thought of her. I've had so much loss in my life that it sickens me and I am devastated at this. The sorrow and grief is lodged in my chest and gut, and I have a constant stinging in my eyes from seeping tears that are either falling or being held back. I feel paralyzed, abandoned, homeless and terrified. She was the only mom I really knew and not only has her mind been erased by Alzheimer's, but I feel erased too.
Lu and I became friends as soon as we met! I was the mother of her first grand-son and I'm sure at first she thought she had better please me or I could take him away from her. But, soon we both found that there were no hidden agenda's and we posed no threat whatsoever to each other. We just liked and respected each other and in one another we found a kindred spirit. I, the daughter she never had, and her, the mom I so desperately wanted. Ever since my mother's debilitating stroke and death when I was very young, I began growing a cynical, trustless and angry heart within me that kept everyone at a safe distance so they couldn't hurt me. Lu and I formed a special bond because we allowed the other one to enter our walls and a love and trust was built. She was the mother of my son's father, who wasn't exactly in good standings with me but regardless of that situation, she carved out a place in her life and heart for me and loved me there. She became my mom.
My friendship and bond with Lu was the most treasured part of my life. I know that may sound strange since I had a husband, son, daughter in law, grandchildren, sisters, friends, but what I had with Lu was my core. It held me up so I could do all my other relationships. She taught me how to be a mother, a wife and a woman. She taught me almost everything about life and I mean that! Her home was home for me and I don't know if anyone can understand this but I didn't have a safe place to go. Sure, I had my home with my husband but there's no place like the home of a loving mom in which you can run to and find support and unconditional love! Lu was the type that would defend you till death, always on your side and unwavering in her love.
I would drive up the coast to Lu and Barney's house in Orcutt, California with such anticipation of the love I was going to get and give. For almost 30 years that has been my earthly refuge for my mind, body and soul. It would all start with just the knowledge that I was going to be going up there! Then the great drive with my son, and eventually just by myself after he had grown, along the ocean with it's sea scents, visuals, dolphins.....then through the tunnel, honking our car horn every time just as my mom did when I was a child! Emerging out of the tunnel to climb uphill toward the beautiful country that looked so much like the old "Bonanza" show with its rolling hills spotted with trees, cattle, horses and breath taking vistas. Every time of day unveiled new shadows, lighting and scenes just as each season brought it's unique scents and feelings. Spring would waif through the windows with the scent of mustard flowers and sage and autumn was when Lu loved to drive me around the back roads through the vineyards. Blackbirds rising in dark wind blown smokey ballets over the vines, dry leaves racing across the road behind our car and us telling stories, jokes, dreams and tales of alter egos. We would stop roadside and run down into the creeks to cut cat tails to decorate our houses and as sure as dragon flies love sparkly things, Lu would stop, pick up some small rock, look at it and say, "Here, I got this for you." :) Then we'd jump in the car and take off like bandits.
We would peruse all the antique stores and thrift shops searching for small treasures while she taught me all there was to know about everything from hair savers to frying pans. Her deep south accent and gritty southern quotes were things from a Mark Twain novel. My memories of her run so deep, so high, so far and so wide that it would take volumes to contain and I'm not sure I want them pored out of my heart just yet. I want to tell of the great gift I was given but I'm afraid that by spilling it out it will be gone, erased. I miss you Lula, I miss you so much that I'm aching like I've never ached before. I miss pulling in your driveway, I miss my bedroom, I miss sitting in your elegant bathroom on the floor talking, I miss laying in bed on our tummies with our feet up in the air and laughing. I miss you tooting and then opening the bedroom window and saying, "Did you here that? I am so sick of that neighbor fartin like that!". I miss brushing your hair and snuggling as we watched the news before bed and how grandpa would have to get me up to go to my room. I miss, I miss, I miss......I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.......So, for now that is all I'll give the world of what we had and I will keep my memories locked inside my mind and heart until the day comes when the One who erases comes for my treasures too. I miss you Lu. I'm homeless and I don't know how I'm going to do it without you.
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