1 Peter 5:6,7 Cast all your anxiety upon Him because He cares for you.
Well, I am sure of one thing.....I have no continuity with my health. I had a few great days and then back to a few more painful and exhausting ones. This round and the last few ones have been so different because, as I've said, God has broken my wild spirit and given me one of peace now, and I've come to treasure this peace. I probably will never have continuity in my health but I am so happy that I no longer drag around that bitterness and resentment anymore! I no longer curl up in a ball of pain and cry to God about how frightened, sad and angry my heart feels because now, He has given me a spirit of gratitude that overpowers my anger. I have never known peace and it now surprises me in retrospect how stubborn my spirit was to release my anger all those years.
Some of you reading this may be thinking that you aren't like that but with closer examination of your heart, through the sacrifice of stillness, you may find a spirit deep inside you that has grown into indifference, sarcasm, masked contempt, sadness, robotic service, deliberate distracting service or a gnawing feeling of abandonment underneath your smiles. It may feel as though no one seems to understand or they are impatient with your need to talk and resolve some issues that are bothering you. You are going through your life in a constant yet unrecognizable state of grieving for losses not so apparent to the eye! Losses such as, loosing intimacy or communication with your mate, a heart full of love but no one wants it, a mind that longs to share and interact but no one to listen, the loss of freedom in certain areas, the loss of energy, sight, movement, a sharp mind or even the loss of not being able to physically look into the eyes of someone you hold dear. Loss has so many faces, loss of childhood, feelings of safety, a content heart or something as small as grieving the loss of a toy that comforted you when you were young.
The human mind is a strange and mysterious thing that could hold in it's recesses a profound memory of a simple touch that brought a feeling of safety and love, yet forget even their dearest loved ones names altogether. Kirk Douglas, the actor, wrote a book entitled, The Rag Man's Son, and even though Mr. Douglas had a renowned career and innumerable successes, he always thought of himself as simply, the rag man's son. What we need, desire or crave most in life is always something we never got from a loved one but we must come to see that all we need can be found in our Savior. I have lived a life consumed by loss and grieving and it has reeked havoc on my mind and physical health. I've carried my sorrows around like signs that read, please love me, please comfort me, please help me, yet nothing filled the holes in my soul till I came to the full realization that Jesus is my only source of everything and His love is sufficient for all my needs!
We can go through life putting different covers over our pain and losses but it doesn't matter how we cover them, they will grow silently underneath, plunging their roots to the depth of our souls. Like roots on a tree, they will inevitably begin to bulge upward and destroy the fake foundations that we worked so hard on, to cover them up! The human mind is not designed to be a graveyard and if there are issues that remain unresolved in a person life, they will not be silenced by mental burial. God made us so that if something harmful enters the body, our system will work to push it out! And, so goes with the conscience and heart issues, they will eat at us until they cause the body to disease if we don't still ourselves before the Redeemer. He waits every day all day and all night for us to come to Him and lay our burdens down so we can be free! Through my years of illness and pain, I never saw Him as loving but as an enigma that punishes us and that's why He kept me where I was, so that I wouldn't go too far and let my angry spirit destroy me. He loves me so much that He will never give up on me. I see it now, God isn't punishing me, He's protecting me and for the first time.....I have peace.
As this year comes to a close I pray that anyone who has shackles of anger, pain, sadness, illness, loss, grief or any other thing that holds them prisoner in their minds, hearts or souls, will find peace and freedom in Christ. During this season of His birth, may everyone who seeks Him find new birth within themselves. Where old ghosts reside, may they be forever replaced with angels of God and His purifying light! Jesus longs to fill you but He can't until we voluntarily empty ourselves. My circumstances have not changed but God changed me, and I would not have it any other way. I smile now with gratitude, knowing that I am safe with Him and that all my losses are in His loving hands. I offer up thanks to Him for never leaving me, for comforting me and for the hope that lies ahead of an eternity with Him filled with health, joy, peace, abundance, laughter, purpose and ability! Go to Him, lay it down, lay down the hurts, the losses, the anger, the pain, the sorrow.......just lay it all down....and find peace.
Well, I am sure of one thing.....I have no continuity with my health. I had a few great days and then back to a few more painful and exhausting ones. This round and the last few ones have been so different because, as I've said, God has broken my wild spirit and given me one of peace now, and I've come to treasure this peace. I probably will never have continuity in my health but I am so happy that I no longer drag around that bitterness and resentment anymore! I no longer curl up in a ball of pain and cry to God about how frightened, sad and angry my heart feels because now, He has given me a spirit of gratitude that overpowers my anger. I have never known peace and it now surprises me in retrospect how stubborn my spirit was to release my anger all those years.
Some of you reading this may be thinking that you aren't like that but with closer examination of your heart, through the sacrifice of stillness, you may find a spirit deep inside you that has grown into indifference, sarcasm, masked contempt, sadness, robotic service, deliberate distracting service or a gnawing feeling of abandonment underneath your smiles. It may feel as though no one seems to understand or they are impatient with your need to talk and resolve some issues that are bothering you. You are going through your life in a constant yet unrecognizable state of grieving for losses not so apparent to the eye! Losses such as, loosing intimacy or communication with your mate, a heart full of love but no one wants it, a mind that longs to share and interact but no one to listen, the loss of freedom in certain areas, the loss of energy, sight, movement, a sharp mind or even the loss of not being able to physically look into the eyes of someone you hold dear. Loss has so many faces, loss of childhood, feelings of safety, a content heart or something as small as grieving the loss of a toy that comforted you when you were young.
The human mind is a strange and mysterious thing that could hold in it's recesses a profound memory of a simple touch that brought a feeling of safety and love, yet forget even their dearest loved ones names altogether. Kirk Douglas, the actor, wrote a book entitled, The Rag Man's Son, and even though Mr. Douglas had a renowned career and innumerable successes, he always thought of himself as simply, the rag man's son. What we need, desire or crave most in life is always something we never got from a loved one but we must come to see that all we need can be found in our Savior. I have lived a life consumed by loss and grieving and it has reeked havoc on my mind and physical health. I've carried my sorrows around like signs that read, please love me, please comfort me, please help me, yet nothing filled the holes in my soul till I came to the full realization that Jesus is my only source of everything and His love is sufficient for all my needs!
We can go through life putting different covers over our pain and losses but it doesn't matter how we cover them, they will grow silently underneath, plunging their roots to the depth of our souls. Like roots on a tree, they will inevitably begin to bulge upward and destroy the fake foundations that we worked so hard on, to cover them up! The human mind is not designed to be a graveyard and if there are issues that remain unresolved in a person life, they will not be silenced by mental burial. God made us so that if something harmful enters the body, our system will work to push it out! And, so goes with the conscience and heart issues, they will eat at us until they cause the body to disease if we don't still ourselves before the Redeemer. He waits every day all day and all night for us to come to Him and lay our burdens down so we can be free! Through my years of illness and pain, I never saw Him as loving but as an enigma that punishes us and that's why He kept me where I was, so that I wouldn't go too far and let my angry spirit destroy me. He loves me so much that He will never give up on me. I see it now, God isn't punishing me, He's protecting me and for the first time.....I have peace.
As this year comes to a close I pray that anyone who has shackles of anger, pain, sadness, illness, loss, grief or any other thing that holds them prisoner in their minds, hearts or souls, will find peace and freedom in Christ. During this season of His birth, may everyone who seeks Him find new birth within themselves. Where old ghosts reside, may they be forever replaced with angels of God and His purifying light! Jesus longs to fill you but He can't until we voluntarily empty ourselves. My circumstances have not changed but God changed me, and I would not have it any other way. I smile now with gratitude, knowing that I am safe with Him and that all my losses are in His loving hands. I offer up thanks to Him for never leaving me, for comforting me and for the hope that lies ahead of an eternity with Him filled with health, joy, peace, abundance, laughter, purpose and ability! Go to Him, lay it down, lay down the hurts, the losses, the anger, the pain, the sorrow.......just lay it all down....and find peace.
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