How many times in your life have you put someone else's feelings before your own or put yours before someone else's? It's not admirable to let someone walk all over you and it's not respectable to go around manipulating another person's time or life. Having the wisdom to know what to do and when and for what reasons is what's important. Maturing in Christ should be every one's first mission in life because without doing that, we can go through life causing a lot of damage through our immaturity and lack of humility! I know people who have no boundaries and they don't understand when to differentiate between self-protection and self-respect or humility, kindness or thoughtfulness. Being a Christian doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. Let me offer a few examples....I grew up in a post-world war II mentality, with all my aunts, uncles, family and friends swearing like sailors. The bad words weren't used for evil, they were used for emphasis, and they were used for 80% of the conversation or story. Anyway, as I grew up I used these words and not just for emphasis, but to express anger, hate and to hurt when necessary. One account was when I flippantly used the F-bomb repeatedly with a friend and she called me on it! She asked if I would not say those words around her because she found them offensive and if I could restrain from saying them around our Pastor then she would like the same respect. WOW! I was shocked, embarrassed and convicted, not to mention my pride raised it back hairs like a mad cat!
After she left I had a couple hours of, "Who does she think she is!" and "I'm never going to speak to her again!", I went on and on trying to justify by behavior with all kinds of reasoning until God's Holy Spirit softened my heart to the point where I could hear the truth and I realized that, she was right. Sure, I had to wrestle my pride as I accepted this truth but the fact was, she was right and I was wrong. Her ability to respect herself made me a better person and a more mature one that could take my teachable heart and use it in all my life experiences. Her honesty and clear boundaries made me a better person because I let it. On the other hand, there are people that will go to their grave with stubborn unteachable hearts and most of their life will be spent offending others and defending themselves. That is so sad.
Another example was when a past friend offended me and I had to self-protect for one of the first times in my life. In this case, I was the one who used boundaries and it set a new standard for my life where I began to respect myself and it felt wonderful to just be honest and let the other person have the conviction to deal with. My friends husband had grabbed me and kissed me in front of her. She just laughed but I felt extremely uncomfortable and not just for myself but for her trying to act like it was no problem. I also laughed and joked to make the whole situation not so awkward for everyone. I didn't want to embarrass him or her by being honest, but I went away feeling sick. As a couple days past I couldn't stop thinking about how I put their feelings before my own. I had done that my whole life but I thank God He finally made me see it so clearly that everyone has to deal with their own actions and it wasn't my job to deflect pain from them. I decided to write a letter and express honestly how that whole thing made me feel. The letter had opened up a bee's nest in their relationship which led to confessions and finally repentance. A year later her husband showed up at my door and asked if I would forgive him. I said there was no need for that but he insisted that there was a need for it, and he was right. I accepted his forgiveness and saw how honesty and truth really does set people free!
These experiences happened years ago but my point in sharing them is to shine some light on this topic. My whole life I surrounded myself with people who had no boundaries or convictions regarding their behaviors and because I made those choices I lived most of my life surrounded with chaos and drama! It took me years to clean house and to learn which people are safe to let in and what people I needed to distance myself from (Read, The Pit and the Gate under blog archives). I had always protected other people from embarrassment by using my sense of humor and covering for them, even if the offense was toward me. I was so used to letting people make me uncomfortable and thinking that their feelings were more important than mine. The negative result of that immature thought process always ended with me feeling worse and worse about myself and others! Self-loathing and resentment were the by-products of not having healthy boundaries and it showed in all my relationships. When I was younger I saw myself as worthless so I didn't put much worth on my relationships, but as I grew in my relationship with Christ and was influenced by godly people I changed into the mind-set of the fact, that I am a daughter of the King! I am worth being respected, listened to and honored as a mother, wife, friend, fellow human being....
I started a study years ago in a book titled, A Step Farther and Higher by Gail MacDonald and I'm still working on it to this day. It starts by writing a mission statement for your life and it can be anywhere from book length to just one word. After much thought and prayer I wrote mine and it was simply two words, "Be Aware." Be aware of other peoples situations and vulnerabilities, be aware of your own, be aware of danger, false humor, harmful intentions...be aware of what the nasty person you just crossed paths with might be going through, be aware of what you eat, say, do.....Be aware of holding yourself accountable to godly standards and to encourage those around you to respect God....Be aware of your children's behavior, their needs and disappointments....Be aware of why someone may want to hurt you, why you may want to hurt someone....Be aware of the need to forgive someone or show an enemy kindness, Be aware that everyone sees a problem from their own perspective....Be aware that you may need to see something from someone else's perspective...Be aware that just a smile or kind word can save someone and watch for those kindnesses around you when your eyes are blinded with tears, your heart encrusted with pain and your mind darkened with thoughts of entitlements. Be aware of your words and deeds and be aware of how Jesus would want you to deal with something....
No matter what the infraction or situation, God wants to work it ALL out for good (Romans 8:28). Honesty, truth, consideration of others, self respect....these are the foundations of real change and healing. Stop being afraid to take responsibility! Stop blaming others for your situation! Stop letting others manipulate you and disrespect you! Take the few truthful hits, whether from God, yourself or someone else, then allow yourself to be broken in areas that God knows are holding you prisoner. The sting only lasts a short time, just like antiseptic on a cut, but then let God heal it so you can be free from all the non-sense inside and around you! Your scar will remain as a marker of God's love for you but your wound will heal. Your life will change in so many positive ways and your joy will be made full! Desire freedom at any cost because it's worth it and so are you. Whether you are infringed upon by someone else's lack of boundaries or you go around hurting others because you have none, stop it now by asking God to give you a teachable heart. Pray for one, desire one, cry out for one...because it is so worth it to step to the other side of life, where honesty and truth rule with love at their core. No one can make you feel or be anything that isn't already inside of YOU. Learn to do everything you do, whether for yourself or for others....do it all in love. Freedom comes with sacrifice and that sacrifice is always self. Desire God's character in your heart more than your own.
Suggested reading: Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, There's Hope for the Hurting by Richard Lee, Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, Breaking Free by Beth Moore
PRIDE
Matthew 18:4 Whoever is without pride as this little child, is the greatest in the holy nation of heaven. Psalm 10:17 O Lord, You have heard the prayers of those who have no pride. You will give strength to their heart, and You will listen to them. Matthew 23:12 The person who thinks he is important will find out how little he is worth. The person who is not trying to honor himself will be made important. Job 22:29 For God puts down the man who is filled with pride. But He saves the one who is not proud. James 4:6 God works against the proud but gives loving favor to those who have no pride. Proverbs 22:4 The reward for not having pride and having the fear of the Lord is riches, honor and life. Proverbs 15:33 The fear of the Lord is the teaching for wisdom. 1 Peter 5:6 So, put away all pride from yourselves. You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Psalm 149:4 For the Lord is happy with His people. He saves those who have no pride and makes them beautiful. Psalm 25:9 He leads those without pride into what is right, and teaches them His way.
CONTENTMENT
Proverbs 17:22 A glad heart is good medicine, but a broken or crushed spirit dries up the bones. Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free of the love of money. Be happy with what you have. God has said, "I will never leave you or forsake you." Proverbs 15:15 All the days of the suffering are hard, but a glad heart has a special treat all the time. 1 Timothy 6:6 A God-like life gives us much when we are happy for what we have.
GOD'S CORRECTION
Job 5:17,18 See, happy is the person to whom God speaks strong words. So do not hate the strong teaching of the All Powerful when you sin. For though He wounds, He binds up and heals again. He will deliver you again and again, so that no evil can touch you. Psalm 94:12 Happy is the person who is chastened until he gives up sin. 2 Corinthians 4:16,17 This is the reason we do not give up. Our human body is wearing out, but our spirits are getting stronger every day. The troubles we suffer now for a short time are making us ready for the great things God is going to give us forever! Psalm 37:28 For the Lord loves what is fair and right. He does not leave the people alone that belong to Him. They are kept forever. But the children of the sinful will be cut off. 2 Thessalonians 2:16,17 Our Lord Jesus Christ and God our Father loves us. Through His loving favor He gives us comfort and hope that lasts forever. May He give your heart comfort and strength to say and do every good thing.
Love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 There is nothing that you have done to God, yourself or to someone else, that God will not forgive you for, if you repent with a heart of contrition. Don't let pride keep you a prisoner (Read, Pride under blog archives). Walking through life with a prideful unrepentant heart causes much more suffering than if you were to go before your God and confess, asking Him to forgive you and to use you from then on in the light of His truth to go and help set the other prisoners free. I promise you that the only scary part is the fear of doing it, other than that...you will be washed over by the love of God and you will have a new life that you will love Him for.
Forgive yourself, others and tell God you are sorry you doubted Him. Your prayers will begin to blossom!
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, God is faithful
2 Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorrow brings repentance, that leads to salvation, and leaves no regret.
But worldly sorrow brings death.
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