You know how Oprah has shows about people who made a profound positive influence on someone else? Well, I have many of those people but I always laugh inside (now) about this art teacher I had in High School who made a profound negative influence on me, we"ll call her Miss S. It all happened during a time in my life when I was angry at my mom for dying. I couldn't please this art teacher and she gave all her time to her favorites, sitting around laughing with them like they were her inner circle and helping them get their portfolios ready for college. The only thing I was ever good at was art and writing and she took my art away from me because I wasn't the way she wanted me to be. I really wanted her to like me but the more she acted disgusted at me the more I became non-responsive. Instead of looking a little deeper at what was going on in my life, she just judged and accused me. I wasn't a bad kid at all, I was just lost and hurting and I had no idea how to deal with all my emotions.
I had worked on this sculpture (right) for a couple weeks and I remember when I finished it, I just sat there staring at it thinking, "That's exactly how I feel inside." Art is a tool that is used in so many different ways to reveal the inner feelings of not only children but also adults. I have a story for each piece I've ever done, and just seeing one of those paintings or sculptures evokes memories that I may have otherwise buried or not thought of in a long time. Art is therapeutic, healing, expressive and joyful all at the same time and that's what makes it wonderful. Every artist has their periods of joy and sadness, such as Picasso's blue period or Munch's "Scream" which was a blatant expression of his panic attacks, yet he also painted "Sun" which is vibrant and free of pain. People buy art that moves them or brings their soul to a place where they feel something they need to feel. Every time I go to the Getty museum, I can't wait to get to Alma Tadema's, " Spring", because it's as if you can jump into it and celebrate the joy they're all feeling! Matisse, Chagall, Vuillard, Klimt, Da Vinci, Degas....I LOVE THEM ALL! Art takes all of you, and makes you think and feel!
During that same period in High School I was working on an oil painting of my mother, I would take it home and paint until all hours of the night trying to get her face or skin just perfect. I finally achieved the look I was going for and when I took it back to school, Miss S. took my palette from me and painted over my mom's arm. I felt my heart sink because I knew I could never get my brush stroke back again. She didn't encourage me or even try to see through my pain. She was the adult, but her contempt toward me was too thick for her to see through. I needed love so bad during that time but she chose to condemn and take away the only thing that gave me purpose, my art! I dreamed of having a mentor that was kind and would help me find my way through but she was not a safe place for me. I was hurting and lost and I needed a kind soul to reach inside me, not shun me and only display their disgust toward me.
Loving the unlovable is not easy. You have to be mature enough to look past the hard shell and know that the harder someone is, just means there is a hurting and frightened person inside. God knows each heart, that's why he continually tries to get each of His children to see how much He loves them! Humans must have a level of wisdom, insight and unconditional love to be temperate enough to love someone who has walls up around them. I'm going through that right now with someone and instead of going to her level and wallowing in her negativity and bitterness, I'm learning to give her the love she needs even though she is quite unlovable right now. I have my boundaries but I'm making a loving effort to not shun her, (See my post entitled, The Pit and the Gate.) I keep her at a healthy distance and I'm no longer her victim. I always try to be there for her to talk like women need to, but she just doesn't have a teachable heart, everything is someone else's fault and she won't even try to see the positive in anything. I don't let her get to me or have any control over me like I did before but I acknowledge that there is a wounded, resentful child inside of her that she never healed or let grow up to be healthy. I still serve her but it's with boundaries now, and I chose to grow and mature the little girl in me to become a secure woman, so she can't hurt me like she used to anymore. I can love the unlovable without being destroyed anymore, and that feels empowering!
This month's postings have been very cathartic for me since it seems like I've been writing a lot about past pains. I think I needed to resolve once and for all some issues that I've still been carrying, but by writing about them this time, I'm letting go of them. I have this deep need right now to house clean my soul and put all the static to rest. I'm finally going to forgive Miss S. and all the people who have left a stain on my heart. I never really had issues with people that hurt and didn't realize what they were doing, it's the people that chose to hurt and knew they were making someone suffer. But as I'm maturing I see even those people as just lost and immature. If they knew better, they would do better, so try to love people the way you know they could be.
We all have many, coulda, shoulda moments in our lives and what's important now is to put them down and keep walking forward. There's a time and place for unloading and complaining and we should put a time limit on those topics, then move on to new and positive dialog. If there is an issue or issues that you find yourself going over and over then sit down with yourself and admit that it's time to put it to rest or go to a professional or a good friend and tell them you want to reveal, heal and move on from that past pain. Be a fresh, interesting, new person that brings goodness and wisdom to your relationships, not the old same whining bag of complaints. There is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8), know the difference and have a good balance. You will be much happier and so will those that have to be around you! I know, because I was one of them, and now I choose to purpose it in my heart to have balance and wisdom rather than being a victim for the rest of my life and making everyone around me feel helpless and overwhelmed by my confusion!
If you're going to unload some junk from your soul then you need to replace it with something of worth! Buy some art or art books, go to a museum, start drawing, painting, doing crafts......Feed your soul beautiful things! Get rid of or put up boundaries with people that refuse to change. Put time limits on negative time in your day and start finding healthy and happy people that know how to manage their issues in a mature way. Surround yourself with an inner circle of positive people with good boundaries, that do fun and interesting things. Keep the one's that won't change at a healthy distance and limit your times of service to them at levels you find healthy for yourself. Release their grip on you and free yourself! Love your circle of friends for who they are and what they have and do. Don't compare yourself to them or try to be like them. Adopt something good from everyone you meet and integrate it into your own style, don't copy people or resent them, it only shows that you are not developing yourself as an individual. Practice balance and make your own story, one that is full of the trials and the triumphs so it can be exciting and interesting! Every painting has dark and light tones, cool colors next to warm colors, because that's what life is! Be your own piece of art!
Romans 15:1-3 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on Me."
If it's done unto you, it's done unto Him that loves you. He will carry the pain, you shall carry the stories.
During that same period in High School I was working on an oil painting of my mother, I would take it home and paint until all hours of the night trying to get her face or skin just perfect. I finally achieved the look I was going for and when I took it back to school, Miss S. took my palette from me and painted over my mom's arm. I felt my heart sink because I knew I could never get my brush stroke back again. She didn't encourage me or even try to see through my pain. She was the adult, but her contempt toward me was too thick for her to see through. I needed love so bad during that time but she chose to condemn and take away the only thing that gave me purpose, my art! I dreamed of having a mentor that was kind and would help me find my way through but she was not a safe place for me. I was hurting and lost and I needed a kind soul to reach inside me, not shun me and only display their disgust toward me.
Loving the unlovable is not easy. You have to be mature enough to look past the hard shell and know that the harder someone is, just means there is a hurting and frightened person inside. God knows each heart, that's why he continually tries to get each of His children to see how much He loves them! Humans must have a level of wisdom, insight and unconditional love to be temperate enough to love someone who has walls up around them. I'm going through that right now with someone and instead of going to her level and wallowing in her negativity and bitterness, I'm learning to give her the love she needs even though she is quite unlovable right now. I have my boundaries but I'm making a loving effort to not shun her, (See my post entitled, The Pit and the Gate.) I keep her at a healthy distance and I'm no longer her victim. I always try to be there for her to talk like women need to, but she just doesn't have a teachable heart, everything is someone else's fault and she won't even try to see the positive in anything. I don't let her get to me or have any control over me like I did before but I acknowledge that there is a wounded, resentful child inside of her that she never healed or let grow up to be healthy. I still serve her but it's with boundaries now, and I chose to grow and mature the little girl in me to become a secure woman, so she can't hurt me like she used to anymore. I can love the unlovable without being destroyed anymore, and that feels empowering!
This month's postings have been very cathartic for me since it seems like I've been writing a lot about past pains. I think I needed to resolve once and for all some issues that I've still been carrying, but by writing about them this time, I'm letting go of them. I have this deep need right now to house clean my soul and put all the static to rest. I'm finally going to forgive Miss S. and all the people who have left a stain on my heart. I never really had issues with people that hurt and didn't realize what they were doing, it's the people that chose to hurt and knew they were making someone suffer. But as I'm maturing I see even those people as just lost and immature. If they knew better, they would do better, so try to love people the way you know they could be.
We all have many, coulda, shoulda moments in our lives and what's important now is to put them down and keep walking forward. There's a time and place for unloading and complaining and we should put a time limit on those topics, then move on to new and positive dialog. If there is an issue or issues that you find yourself going over and over then sit down with yourself and admit that it's time to put it to rest or go to a professional or a good friend and tell them you want to reveal, heal and move on from that past pain. Be a fresh, interesting, new person that brings goodness and wisdom to your relationships, not the old same whining bag of complaints. There is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8), know the difference and have a good balance. You will be much happier and so will those that have to be around you! I know, because I was one of them, and now I choose to purpose it in my heart to have balance and wisdom rather than being a victim for the rest of my life and making everyone around me feel helpless and overwhelmed by my confusion!
If you're going to unload some junk from your soul then you need to replace it with something of worth! Buy some art or art books, go to a museum, start drawing, painting, doing crafts......Feed your soul beautiful things! Get rid of or put up boundaries with people that refuse to change. Put time limits on negative time in your day and start finding healthy and happy people that know how to manage their issues in a mature way. Surround yourself with an inner circle of positive people with good boundaries, that do fun and interesting things. Keep the one's that won't change at a healthy distance and limit your times of service to them at levels you find healthy for yourself. Release their grip on you and free yourself! Love your circle of friends for who they are and what they have and do. Don't compare yourself to them or try to be like them. Adopt something good from everyone you meet and integrate it into your own style, don't copy people or resent them, it only shows that you are not developing yourself as an individual. Practice balance and make your own story, one that is full of the trials and the triumphs so it can be exciting and interesting! Every painting has dark and light tones, cool colors next to warm colors, because that's what life is! Be your own piece of art!
Romans 15:1-3 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on Me."
If it's done unto you, it's done unto Him that loves you. He will carry the pain, you shall carry the stories.
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