Beautiful

A simple old picture of a happy me :)

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b

 I miss the good old days when kid's looked like kids, not the scary vampires or street walkers that they look like today. There are junior high school kids getting boob-jobs for their graduations and I even heard recently about a mom who injects her 8 year old with botox so she looks better in her beauty pageant! Today, they're all growing up too fast and they're missing so much of their innocence and the freedom of feeling good about themselves. They're all hiding behind anything that will protect their fragile little hearts from being exposed or hurt and it's so sad. Mom's look different too, with all the botox, plastic surgeries and endless Pilate's, TRX and aerobics classes. They actually borrow their teenage daughter's jeans! When did woman with hormones start looking like kids who have no hormones? But grandma's, they have to be the same right? Baking cookies with their purplish grey hair and worn house-dresses. No, even grand-mothers are looking 30-40 and dressing like teenagers! The magazine's make us all feel like we aren't good enough unless we have a size 22 waist and our skin is tan and flawless. We all walk around with that condemning inner voice that says, "I hate the way I look!",  no matter how good we look or what age we are! We are even trying to compete with images that are computer enhanced and air brushed!

My granny! No Botox, no
face-lift just joy!

 I thought reaching 50 was a rite of passage where you didn't have to deal with all that nonsense anymore! I was so ready for the break in the insanity! I just wanted to look like my aunts and laugh as hard as they did when they were together! My Aunt Bessie had purple hair because she was a hairdresser back in the 50's and she put that same purple rinse in her white poodles coat of hair so they matched! It was a sight to be seen, a memory that I will never forget and something that I actually miss. I never heard one of them say they needed to diet or go to the gym, they just lived and enjoyed life. They buttered everything, went for ice cream cones with the family and drank beer and ate peanuts while they played cards. None of them were obese, they just had that over 50 look that was normal then! Each decade they became a new version of themselves and all their friends did the same. They all progressed together like a group hug. I remember several times in the past where I was a size 5 and my girlfriends and I would grab our "tiny" tummy pouches and say, "ULG, this is so gross!" What I would give to have that tiny pooch right now! Someone once told me a saying that went something like this, "I wish I were as fat as I thought I was when I was thin!" I don't know if I'm some kind of freak or something but my body looks like undigested cottage cheese, and at 52 and 9/10ths my body looks exactly like my mom's did at this age. I'm seriously too tired to keep up with all the creams, spray tans, cellulite scrubs..... I just want to be like my aunts were.....happy.

 I think living in California doesn't help but I'm pretty sure this is rampant, at least in this country. I'd love to be naturally lean and athletic like some people but I did not get those genes! My sister and I will actually look to the heavens and ask, "Whyyyyyyy?, If life has to be so hard...why can't we just get to have some pizza and ice cream to make it all seem a little easier?" But noooo, everything we eat seems to want to display itself proudly on our midriff! I went from a lean Greyhound to a wrinkly Shar pei in just 6 years! I often wished we had fur on us like a golden retriever to cover all the imperfections. Wouldn't that be cute? I went to see a plastic surgeon once and I soon learned that it would cost me the same amount to have them chop me up and stretch me like a kielbasa sausage as it would to buy a Lamborghini! It's obvious I didn't get either one.

This was just a few days before my first
boyfriend's sister told me that I was fat.
I never felt like a kid again after that.

Do you know what I would give to have my mom alive and to be able to cuddle up on her renaissance lap! My granny wasn't a robust woman but her boobs were around her waist where they belonged at age 90! There are woman 20 years older than me that don't need to wear a bra because of surgery and implants and I have to say that disturbs me because it's not fair!(I've thrown myself on the floor and I'm having a tantrum :) Don't get me wrong, some people need it I guess, but I just can't get myself to voluntarily go have someone cut my skin! You know what I'm saying because we all think it....Why can't we just age naturally and have joy in our hearts!

The mental torture in this culture of perfection and youth runs through the minds of grade school children to grannies! I know that I'm not going to go enjoy myself anywhere near a pool because my body hasn't been modified to an acceptable presentation and people may be shocked at the reality of nature! I read that boys who grow up now will not be able to comprehend a pair of natural breasts in their minds because they will only have an augmented vision branded in their brains! I truly don't want to make anyone feel bad about the choices they've made and if you've had work done, then you go girl! I know that if it were free and there was no penetration to the skin such as with scalpels or needles, then I'd probably have a few things done too. I've helped people after plastic surgery and it's not pretty or easy to see. I won't go into statistics but the amount of money that is spent on beauty and diet products each year, just in this country could sustain a small countries annual budget! Ladies, do what you have to do, but don't forget about the perfectly sculptured woman that God wants you to be inside. I know people can be both and God knows I'd love to be one of them but I think He has other plans for me.

R u serious? They draw
12 inch waistlines! Did you
know that Barbie doll couldn't
stand as a  real girl
with the proportions
they gave her!

I have been on a quest to achieve "inner" beauty, yes, inner beauty, the rarest of all the beauties! The only beauty that never fades, never stops glowing and can never be veiled! Don't get it in your mind that I am somehow above all the physical improvements, I just didn't have the means to do any of them at the point when I was desiring instant gratification the most. So, after years of self-deprecation I'm giving in and letting God give me an inner make-over. I still have many moments where I think about going and buying a new leather purse or having RejuvinX (sp) injected into my face and lips but I've come to a place where I truly and sincerely want inner peace more. It's much easier to go get a quick fix but God has put me in a sacred place at the perfect time in my life to make this decision. I'm choosing to remain exactly where God has me. It's not where I would choose because I want some relief from this tough time we're going through, but I know God has a better way and I'm going to do my best to work with Him so He can finish the inside of me first!

So here's to purple hair, cellulite, wrinkles and rolls! I hate em all, but until I can see myself the way God sees me then nothing I do on the outside is going to bring me the peace of heart and mind that I want so badly inside. I'll still keep trying that treadmill and keep praying for a gym membership but one thing I'm done with is dieting! I'll make good food choices and enjoy treats occasionally but no more dieting! I miss enjoying life and I'm sick of trying to look 20! I'm going to be 53 next month and I'm going to start the second half of my life by cutting loose all the self-condemnation! I'm going to do the best I can when I can, and every one's just going to have to deal with it. I'm not going to be one of those women either, that gain a lot of weight and act as though it doesn't bother them. I want to find a middle, just like Goldie locks said, "Not too soft, not too hard, but just perfect!" Perfect for me.

My girlfriend and I have these goofy days where we take silly
pictures of ourselves and laugh our butts off afterward! I have
another friend that used to be my audience as I read
sonnets like a love-lorn English woman! I feel prettiest when
I'm laughing. 

Watch the movie Enchanted April and study Joan Plowrights character! It will teach you something wonderful

P.S. If anything in this post came off as judgemental, forgive me for I in no way intended it to. I just know that no matter what we do to the outside of ourselves or whatever we buy at a store will never quench that inner voice in all of us that beats us up both mentally and emotionally. I'm never going to have perfect inner beauty and a mind free of condemnation, but I do know that that's what God wants us to be working on more than the other stuff. May your heart find joy, your mind find peace and your body find the perfect bathing suit and cover-up! :)

It's alright to stare into the distance or glance at something near; you can stare at all kinds of things but don't stare in a mirror.  Dee

In the book of Luke 7:36-50,  there is a story about a young woman who had lived wrongly and she comes into a house where Jesus is having dinner with a host. She falls at the feet of Jesus and begins to wash His feet with her tears as she wipes them with her hair, she then opens a bottle of very expensive perfume and pours it over his feet. "She has done a beautiful thing", said Jesus. THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD USE THE WORD "BEAUTIFUL"!