God's Grace

Brian's brother Kevin aka Moose

This morning we watched, "The Hour of Power" which is church on t.v. Sometimes we like to have church at home when I'm not particularly feeling well and today was one of those days. The sermon was uplifting and full of life and energy! The Pastor is from a church in Los Angeles where they do 24/7 outreach to the community, helping homeless people, gang members, drug addicts... I cry at all the stories but at the same time I'm saying an inner prayer, "Dear Lord, thank you for people with those kinds of hearts that can do that kind of service for others, and thank you that they do it and I don't have to." Seriously, there is not one ounce of me that wants to do a job or service that entails that close of a physical interaction to another person. In my opinion, Nurses are saints and God placed that gift inside of the most special people!

For years I thought I was an awful person until I realized that we each have different gifts. I could literally live in a little attic apartment with my computer and just go out once in awhile with friends. As much as I am a people-person I'm also a recluse and when I say people-person, I'm more of a stand-up comedian, up on stage and at a good distance from the crowd type. My friends and family are different though, because mentally I have taught my brain that their skin and blood is no different than my own, so I can be there for them in ways that I don't prefer to be there for strangers or acquaintances. However, I've been put in some precarious situations with people who are not family, where I had to serve in ways that were WAAAAYYY out of my comfort zone, but I chose to do them and God got me through. I am not going to go into any detail but just imagine me cleaning up adult messes from bodily fluids to well, (I'm just sitting here paralyzed by my memories with my mouth hanging open), please just use your imagination and times it by 10, because I can't even write about them!

The strange thing about these acts of service is that God gave me the grace I needed at the time to actually serve in that capacity and to do them with empathy. Ever since I was a small child and I had to watch my mom go through so many humiliating circumstances while she cried and her bottom lip quivered from emotional overload, (she had a massive stroke and was debilitated at the age of 44),  I have had a tremendous sense of empathy for others (I'm crying so hard right now!) I hate to see people suffer or be afraid. (I can't stop whaling). I've got to hurry and finish this cause I'm loosing it. Anyway, this morning I woke up fine but as the afternoon started I began to feel sad because everything seems to be so difficult for so many people right now and I really wanted God to give me a bright spot in my day so I could feel good and not crappy. It's one of those days where you don't even have the slightest desire to shower or function because everything from your own self to world events seems too overwhelming! Then, as I was curled up having a mini-pity-party, my husband called my name and asked me to come out to the garage.

As I walked through the door there he was standing next to his brother Kevin (whose 50 yrs old and handicapped, like rain-man but talkative and funny!) and he asked if I could cut their hair, trim their necks, eyebrows, ears... AND cut Kevin's finger and toe nails! Well,  there I was earlier asking God for a bright spot and now He gives me two Sasquatch that need grooming! My husband was doing his best to make it fun and full of humor and it totally helped as I proceeded to do the last thing I felt like doing! Kevin was adorable though, because he always wants to know if he was a good boy while you worked on him and Brian had me laughing at how ludicrous they both looked with their shirts off, the garage door open and me shaving their tremendously hairy backs and shoulders! I thought, Oh My Gosh, if anyone looks out their window and sees this, we are going to get thrown out of the neighborhood or have Animal Control called on us!

It's funny how the things we avoid somehow find a place of joy in our heart after we do them. God does know what's best for us, and sometimes he uses other people to prod us out of our pity-party or comfort zone. It used to be my responsibilities as a parent that forced me out into the world when I didn't feel like it, or sometimes a sick friend that needed help, but it was in those times of duty that I truly was the hands, feet, voice and heart of God. I've found that I secretly want someone to need me because that's when I feel the love of Christ saturate me the most. The quandary is that most of my life I've had to take care of someone but I don't in anyway consider myself a long-term care-giver, yet, that's exactly what I was and continue to be. Brian's brother Kevin is living with us now and mom doesn't seem to be getting any better at the nursing home. Taking care of him full-time was something that terrified me but God's grace is proving to be more than sufficient during this time and I know it will continue to be so.

I always considered myself to be more of a side show that pops in to cheer or comfort someone and that's what I always knew I was good at, but God has a different plan for me right now. I still don't have a car and my dinosaur of a computer is seriously acting ancient and  irritable! It has erased two of my posts after I wrote them and that was like someone taking a piece of my soul away from me! My hands and feet are covered with a severe eczema breakout and it feels like fire-ants are eating my flesh and every day seems like ground-hog day! Every time I get in a groove that helps me cope with my circumstances, I just get knocked backwards! I try to exercise and my knee or back goes out, I go to do a project and I can't find or access the tools I need. Ever feel like the wind is in your face or the hill has no top? Whenever this happened in the past I would fling myself into bed and just give up but this time I can see God in it. I've changed my inner and outer dialog and even how I interact with those around me and this time I'm refusing to go down! I'm choosing to speak God's truth out loud and in my heart and I constantly remind myself of the sufferings of others, so I don't microscope myself. My sufferings may be small compared to others who are fighting larger things but God's grace is for everyone and every situation!

So here I am, stuck in my home with just myself and Kevin all day trying to have a heart full of joy when all I want to do  is change my identity and fly to some Caribbean Island! My exciting life is in the past and right now I have to joy in the small things like doing laundry, cleaning toilets, washing the dogs....God chose me out of everyone in the world to be a care-giver, from my mom to Kevin and everyone in between because no one could love them the way that God knew I could. My sister was chosen to care for her severely handicapped son Shawn and her husband who needs a kidney. God chose Brian, my husband to care for his mom, brother and me and so it goes on into all of our lives. You are where you are for a reason and even though we dream of better days and smoother roads, our paths are not a mistake right now. No one in all the earth can love who has been put in your life the way you can. There is no job too menial, no service too beneath us and no person too unworthy of the love that God wants to pour through you. My view of loving has taken me from a pop-in visitor, to now, washing someones feet and even grooming two big hairy Sasquatch in my garage! Whatever you do...do it with love.....as if you were doing it unto Christ. (Matthew 25:40)

*It's not what you do, but with how much love you do it. Mother Theresa

*God loves it when we serve, but he especially loves it when we sing while we're doing it!

A POEM....
*I longed to walk along an easy road, and leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God; but Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow seeds far away, to leave my desert tent, to fight the battles for my King, my dreams He said, "Relent".

I longed to leave the hard and difficult sphere, where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near, but Jesus had me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the common daily toil, where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for you this soil, that you may raise for me some blossoms rare.

And now I have no longing but to do, at home or far away His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few; Thus, "Choosing not to choose," my heart is still.
Author unknown