Watta Manth!

Watta manth is, What a month with a NY accent! This last month has been soooo stressful! Without details, let's just say, I hope it gets better :) I'm leaving for my trip to Upstate NY tomorrow night and I actually feel to worn out to go but my sister won't let me stay home. It's funny that home is where you're suppose to be at peace but there has been so much chaos with the situation with Brian's mother being ill and Kevin staying here. All month I was seriously attacked with health problems and it just got to be too much for me to handle. And, I know all of you can relate to the hundreds of little things that go awry during the big things too! But there's one great thing that happened this month....I never blamed God, I just chose to see Him in it with me! I took my own advise and pictured it all happening in His hand. I acknowledged that the world and people are out of control but God is not! It did make a difference, a big difference!

High Sierra's in California / Just a taste
of the Autumn pic's to come from NY! 

I snapped a couple times, but it was from pushing myself to far without nourishing, quenching or resting. I saw that the times I snap are the times when I furiously or angrily push on (like when I'm trying to fix the computer and it doesn't want to be fixed). I'm learning to step back and do my check-list.....Have I eaten? Have I hydrated? Am I rested? Does this HAVE to be done right now or can it wait?....

Wisdom is the key to peace. Pull back, compose, reassess, pray and then make a decision. Like right now...my husband will be home any minute and he called ahead to let me know that he needs the computer. So, the wise thing for me right now would be to finish this quick and redirect myself. I'm not even going to spell check this or re-read it (that's hard for me :)

I probably won't post from my vacation because I am not a multi-tasker, so take the next week to re-read some of my older posts and maybe forward to a friend. Check back at the end of next week because I'm going to have some awesome pictures from New England and I know that there is going to be some terrific posts because whenever Satan wants to keep you from something great, he always afflicts you  to get you not to do it! This last month makes me not want to go to NY, but I've wised up to the enemies attacks and schemes and I know that doing the complete opposite of what I don't feel like doing will bring a huge blessing!

Love you all! Be blessed and be a blessing, I'll meet you back here in a week! XOXOXOXOXO

"The Circle of Life", Dedicated To My Son

There once was a boy named Nodnarb, who lived in the darkness of Woosh. One day the voice of his father spoke to him and told him that he would have to leave Woosh and go to where the light was. He was needed there and no one else could do what he was chosen to do. Nodnarb went courageously, not knowing what lay ahead, but he knew that his father packed everything that he would need inside of him, and so he went.

Meanwhile, in the land of light there was a young woman named Semra, she was very lost and had much confusion over the strange shaped pieces that rattled around in her heart. She was in much need of something bigger than herself she thought, but her father who loved her dearly, knew that he was the bigger thing she needed, and that it was actually something smaller than her that would show her the way, so he gave her Nodnarb.

Nothing in all of the land of light could take Semra's attention away from her small gift, her precious son. Everyday she held him, fed him and spoke love to him. She adored and protected him with all her heart, body, mind and soul. Nodnarb became more important to Semra than herself. Neither of them knew, but their father had laid out a course for them to travel through the land of light, and every event would lay a color upon their journey. You see, in the land of light, the more colors you have to take with you when you have to go back to Woosh, the more exciting it will be when the lights finally come on there, and all is revealed! The whole purpose of life in the land of light is to collect as many colors as we can!

Semra began their journey even though she had to learn along the way how to care for Nodnarb. There were many times when Semra was afraid and felt alone but she began to see something that comforted her spirit....Nodnarb's heart was different than the other boys, the treasures that his father packed into his heart weren't common ones but each had a peculiar shape just like the one's in her own heart! She couldn't put her finger on it but she could see her father's handiwork in it and that made her feel safe and gave her courage to go on.

Semra and Nodnarb traveled many miles during many years, through valleys and to mountain tops together and never left each others sides, no matter how difficult the paths were. They cared for each other and forgave each other for all the times they didn't understand the other ones heart.  He made her laugh and she taught him about deep things. But, as it is in the land of light, everyone must grow, Semra's father wanted her to go travel with him and the time came for Nodnarb to go be a man in his own right. So their father sat them down and said that he would help them to break the seal that held them together. Semra was terrified and wept, which made Nodnarb feel guilty and terrible because he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was just doing what all the strong, young men were called to do naturally at that time in their lives. So, their father told them that to break the seal they would not  have to pull apart, but instead come together.

They trusted their father and as they leaned forward toward each other, their father revealed to them the meaning of the odd shaped pieces. Semra's fell first and as Nodnarb's pieces fell over hers they realized that they were puzzle pieces! They each had the other side of the other one's piece, and as the pieces settled, there among them emerged a picture of their journey together! Everything suddenly had meaning and purpose! It was by coming together, not pulling apart, that their seal was broken, but the father replaced it with something much stronger, he gave them memories and wisdom that would permanently live in their hearts forever! Stories and lessons that they would share along their new paths. Nodnarb was now free to go and become the man his father intended him to be!

And that's exactly what he did! Nodnarb met and married a beautiful young woman named Anna oj. in the land of light, and they asked their father for two children from Woosh and he gave them to them, to care for and to love, they named them Copper and Eba. Semra traveled with her father to many strange places, bringing all she had learned wherever he took her. He also taught her that she was her own woman, one that would serve in many different roles during her lifetime and not be defined by just one of them. By letting go, Semra received so much more! She often visited her family, and when she would hear those pieces rattling in her grandchildren, she would just smile. Their memories and new insights grew and it was very wonderful for all of them because they loved to share those things with each other. Nodnarb told Anna oj the story of the peculiar pieces and that they would have to lean toward their children one day to break the seals. But Anna oj just laughed and said, "We'll deal with that someday, for now, let's just add colors to our journey!"

Loving the Unlovable

You know how Oprah has shows about people who made a profound positive influence on someone else? Well, I have many of those people but I always laugh inside (now) about this art teacher I had in High School who made a profound negative influence on me, we"ll call her Miss S. It all happened during a time in my life when I was angry at my mom for dying. I couldn't please this art teacher and she gave all her time to her favorites, sitting around laughing with them like they were her inner circle and helping them get their portfolios ready for college. The only thing I was ever good at was art and writing and she took my art away from me because I wasn't the way she wanted me to be. I really wanted her to like me but the more she acted disgusted at me the more I became non-responsive. Instead of looking a little deeper at what was going on in my life, she just judged and accused me. I wasn't a bad kid at all, I was just lost and hurting and I had no idea how to deal with all my emotions.

I had worked on this sculpture (right) for a couple weeks and I remember when I finished it, I just sat there staring at it thinking, "That's exactly how I feel inside." Art is a tool that is used in so many different ways to reveal the inner feelings of not only children but also adults. I have a story for each piece I've ever done, and just seeing one of those paintings or sculptures evokes memories that I may have otherwise buried or not thought of in a long time. Art is therapeutic, healing, expressive and joyful all at the same time and that's what makes it wonderful. Every artist has their periods of joy and sadness, such as Picasso's blue period or Munch's "Scream" which was a blatant expression of his panic attacks, yet he also painted "Sun" which is vibrant and free of pain. People buy art that moves them or brings their soul to a place where they feel something they need to feel. Every time I go to the Getty museum, I can't wait to get to Alma Tadema's, " Spring", because it's as if you can jump into it and celebrate the joy they're all feeling! Matisse, Chagall, Vuillard, Klimt, Da Vinci, Degas....I LOVE THEM ALL! Art takes all of you, and makes you think and feel!

During that same period in High School I was working on an oil painting of my mother, I would take it home and paint until all hours of the night trying to get her face or skin just perfect. I finally achieved the look I was going for and when I took it back to school, Miss S. took my palette from me and painted over my mom's arm. I felt my heart sink because I knew I could never get my brush stroke back again. She didn't encourage me or even try to see through my pain. She was the adult, but her contempt toward me was too thick for her to see through. I needed love so bad during that time but she chose to condemn and take away the only thing that gave me purpose, my art! I dreamed of having a mentor that was kind and would help me find my way through but she was not a safe place for me. I was hurting and lost and I needed a kind soul to reach inside me, not shun me and only display their disgust toward me.

Loving the unlovable is not easy. You have to be mature enough to look past the hard shell and know that the harder someone is, just means there is a hurting and frightened person inside. God knows each heart, that's why he continually tries to get each of His children to see how much He loves them! Humans must have a level of wisdom, insight and unconditional love to be temperate enough to love someone who has walls up around them. I'm going through that right now with someone and instead of going to her level and wallowing in her negativity and bitterness, I'm learning to give her the love she needs even though she is quite unlovable right now. I have my boundaries but I'm making a loving effort to not shun her, (See my post entitled, The Pit and the Gate.) I keep her at a healthy distance and I'm no longer her victim. I always try to be there for her to talk like women need to, but she just doesn't have a teachable heart, everything is someone else's fault and she won't even try to see the positive in anything. I don't let her get to me or have any control over me like I did before but I acknowledge that there is a wounded, resentful child inside of her that she never healed or let grow up to be healthy. I still serve her but it's with boundaries now, and I chose to grow and mature the little girl in me to become a secure woman,  so she can't hurt me like she used to anymore. I can love the unlovable without being destroyed anymore, and that feels empowering!

This month's postings have been very cathartic for me since it seems like I've been writing a lot about past pains. I think I needed to resolve once and for all some issues that I've still been carrying, but by writing about them this time, I'm letting go of them. I have this deep need right now to house clean my soul and put all the static to rest. I'm finally going to forgive Miss S. and all the people who have left a stain on my heart. I never really had issues with people that hurt and didn't realize what they were doing, it's the people that chose to hurt and knew they were making someone suffer. But as I'm maturing I see even those people as just lost and immature. If they knew better, they would do better,  so try to love people the way you know they could be.

We all have many, coulda, shoulda moments in our lives and what's important now is to put them down and keep walking forward. There's a time and place for unloading and complaining and we should put a time limit on those topics, then move on to new and positive dialog. If there is an issue or issues that you find yourself going over and over then sit down with yourself and admit that it's time to put it to rest or go to a professional or a good friend and tell them you want to reveal, heal and move on from that past pain. Be a fresh, interesting, new person that brings goodness and wisdom to your relationships,  not the old same whining bag of complaints. There is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8), know the difference and have a good balance. You will be much happier and so will those that have to be around you! I know, because I was one of them, and now I choose to purpose it in my heart to have balance and wisdom rather than being a victim for the rest of my life and making everyone around me feel helpless and overwhelmed by my confusion!

If you're going to unload some junk from your soul then you need to replace it with something of worth! Buy some art or art books, go to a museum, start drawing, painting, doing crafts......Feed your soul beautiful things! Get rid of or put up boundaries with people that refuse to change. Put time limits on negative time in your day and start finding healthy and happy people that know how to manage their issues in a mature way. Surround yourself with an inner circle of positive people with good boundaries, that do fun and  interesting things. Keep the one's that won't change at a healthy distance and limit your times of service to them at  levels you find healthy for yourself. Release their grip on you and free yourself! Love your circle of friends for who they are and what they have and do. Don't compare yourself to them or try to be like them. Adopt something good from everyone you meet and integrate it into your own style, don't copy people or resent them, it only shows that you are not developing yourself as an individual. Practice balance and make your own story, one that is full of  the trials and the triumphs so it can be exciting and interesting! Every painting has dark and light tones, cool colors next to warm colors, because that's what life is! Be your own piece of art!

Romans 15:1-3   We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on Me."

If it's done unto you, it's done unto Him that loves you. He will carry the pain, you shall carry the stories.

Yes He Is, "I am"!

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart! Psalm 37:4

If God can do this in the sky...think what He would
love to do in your heart! 

God is so good! I have this habit of setting a problem aside and just leaving it for God to take care of. I just put it out of my  mind till the Holy Spirit leads me to address it or I just leave it unattended till God takes care of it. I wasn't always like this but after years of having tantrums about things not working out the way I thought they should or when I thought they should have, I learned to just calm down and trust God. I've also lived by some words that my dad taught me, "It never hurts to ask." As the years have come and gone I can't tell you how many times I've used that saying! Whether it be having to return something or to acquire something, those words have brought me countless blessings! I just ask and then I give it to God to work it out. I can see God in my blessings and by trusting Him and waiting for Him, I haven't just received material blessings but also the blessings of patience, long-suffering, joy, peace....God doesn't just do one thing, He weaves together a story for each of our lives out of our circumstances! God is so good! Yes, He is!

We bought this solar panel and battery unit (you've probably seen it advertised on t.v.) and my husband just loved it! He messed around with it, doing all the testing times and recharging it in the sun, keeping a record of it's performance. One day he went to charge somethings and the readings on the battery were all weird. He called the company but they said that the battery was fried! It was only one month after the warranty expired! He was so upset that he just wouldn't deal with the issue because it was too unnerving. Months went by and he kept complaining about it every time he saw the commercials on t.v. so I told him to give me the paperwork and I would try to get it replaced. I called the company and it took a couple months but after speaking to a few people they agreed to replace both units! Then, I discovered that while it was on the garage floor, the dog chewed the cord! Oh, they'll never replace it now, I thought! Yet, I just kept praying to God and telling Him that I knew He could work it out, and if it was His will, I would love to have the problem resolved. God worked in the hearts of those people and even though the dog exacerbated the problem, God gave my husband and I one of the desires of our hearts that we trusted Him for! God is so good! Yes, He is!

Today I was sitting here blogging and my cell phone beeped with a message from a friend. She was my old neighbor and I had bought an air purifier from her 3-4 years ago. It was one of those ozone ones that cost about $800.! I used it all the time because of my allergies and it worked great! The air in our home was always clean and it smelled so fresh! About 2 years ago the unit started going on then off, then on again continuously and the sound kept us awake so we just turned it off. I would use it during the day sometimes then the bulb inside it that disinfected the air blew so I just turned it off and never used it again. Everyday I would look at this unit and say, "God, I never sent in the warranty and I don't think there's anything I can do, but I'm going to text her, because it doesn't hurt to ask, and tell her that the unit doesn't work anymore and leave it at that. If you want to move in her heart to replace it then do your thing and I'll wait." Well, today about 1 year later, she sent me a message and it read, "If you want to bring your broken unit to me, I'll give you a new one free, just let me know." I called her and I'm going to get my new unit this weekend! God gave me one of the desires of my heart that I trusted Him with! God is so good! Yes, He is!

Through the years God has come through in His timing not mine, and blessed me with unimaginable answers to simple and complicated prayers! If we just calm down and trust Him, leaving matters in His hands, He will work everything out for good! The issues of life always seem to be separate to us and they mount up to a point where they seem overwhelming. That isn't how God works, He doesn't see our situations as separate but as a whole! Somewhat like a quilt, or a car engine that when taken apart seems like just pieces of metal or rags but when put together they can be functional and beautiful! Any one who has rebuilt a car, made a quilt.....will know exactly what I mean! Don't think that God has forgotten you if you don't see just one of your problems fixed. He is putting together something grander and more intricate than you could ever imagine! God is so good! Yes, He is!

He used me in other peoples lives every time I had a problem, such as the time my tire went flat on my car years ago and I had the opportunity to share God with an inquisitive tow truck driver or the time we needed a painter and he started asking me about God and I got to share with him the gift of pardon through Jesus Christ, then just a week later he died unexpectedly. I also had a contractor come out to give me an estimate and he ended up staying and talking about God and the bible for 3 hours! He called me 2 weeks later and said that he, his wife and family gave their lives to God! Every detour, every problem is an opportunity for God to be glorified and for Him to reveal His love in our lives! I know that I've said this before but try to see all your situations happening in the palm of God's hand. We need to step back and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD! That's why I love the bible so much, there are countless examples of God's grace, love and blessings that come out of trials! The problem is that most people try to do their lives by themselves and we weren't meant to! We were meant to trust God, and that way we can enjoy life rather than spend it in frustration and worry. He is the great "I AM"! Ask Him what the answer to your problem is and He will tell you, "I am". God is good. Yes, He is!

Moses asked God, "Who shall I tell them sent me?" Tell them "I AM" sent you.

I am the Lord. I am with you always. I am the Son of man.

I am your shield, I am your great reward. I am God Almighty. I am, who I am.  I am God. I am with you. I am the bread of life. I am God’s Son. I am the light of the world. I am the gate for the sheep. I am the Good Shepard. I am the resurrection and the life. I am in the Father and the Father is in me. I am the true vine. I am the Alpha and Omega. I am the beginning and the end. I am the first and the last. I am alive forever and ever. I am the root and offspring of David. I am the bright morning star. I am the way the truth and the life. I am coming soon. I am Jesus. Who do you say I am? (Matthew 15:16)

The Kiss Goodbye

My mom

Her flesh was cold and hard as my lips touched my mother's cheek. I was kissing her goodbye, as her body lay in that coffin, spiritless. That morning before the funeral, my brother refused to see her dead and wanted only to remember her the way she was when she was alive. My sisters were getting ready, dressing in black and all I could think about was what my brother said. I wrestled with the choice I had to make whether I wanted to see my mom in that coffin or not. I just celebrated my 14th birthday a few days before and this decision seemed like something an adult should be making, not me.

When we arrived at the funeral parlor my sisters walked right into the room where our mom was, but I stayed back behind the room divider feeling hesitant and scared. Cindy, my best friend was there and she stood there with me, telling me that whatever I decided would be okay. I just couldn't get myself to round that corner and see my mom dead! As I glanced over I saw the old Italian lady who lived next door coming toward me. Her arms reached out as if she was going to hug me but she grabbed my arms with her sharp nails and started to shake me violently! She pulled me out from behind the room divider and turned me toward the casket screaming, "You did it! You killed her!, Are you happy now! You killed her!" I just stood there.......limp and shocked, my body felt like one of the rugs she used to shake off on her patio!

I could see the shock and awe on my friend Cindy's face and as fast as it all happened, Cindy's hand curled into a fist and her arm came up behind her! She was going to knock this old woman out! My mouth hung open, my body and mind were paralyzed and I felt like I had just been sucked into another dimension! Just as Cindy went to swing, my cousin Mary Catherine, who was a nun, stopped the flying fist, pulled the pointy nailed hands off of me and began to read "Grandma Di" the riot act! All this happened while I was still facing my dead mother's body. I know that Cindy and my cousin told me it wasn't my fault and they comforted me but it all seemed like I was deaf, I saw their mouths moving but it was just silence. I was numb.

There was this necklace that Cindy and I both wore as symbols of our friendship. It was a long piece of brown leather with three wooden beads on each end. We wore them knotted and they NEVER came off. The knot was impossible to untie because it had gotten wet so many times and I had worn it constantly for so long. It represented an unbreakable bond and I wanted to have it put in with my mom so she could have it forever and know how painful her leaving was for me. After things calmed down at the funeral home, my best friend took my hand and walked up to my moms casket with me. She knelt next to me as I talked to my mom and cried. When I finally stood up, I leaned over and placed the cut leather necklace on her hands and I kissed her. She wasn't there, her body was, but she wasn't. My mom was gone forever and at that moment I hardened my heart toward it all. I went through the motions for the rest of the days ceremonies and the following morning I just continued my regular routines. I never talked about her, I was angry and I felt abandoned.

It was about two years later when I was walking from my bedroom through the living room that I stopped cold in my tracks. I began to cry hysterically and I curled up on the floor in an inconsolable ball. All alone I lay there, I wanted to talk but she wasn't there to talk to, so I just kept crying and I couldn't stop for the longest time. She was really gone, never to be here again with warm skin or loving eyes. I could never curl up on her lap again, never make peanut butter kiss cookies again, I would never see her in the front window ever again as she greeted me home after school, and her table light would never be on again in the living room as she waited for me to fall asleep. Oh God, I miss her! Why did she have to go? And to this day I still miss her, I miss all that we could have done! She never saw me grow up and become a woman, she never got to meet my son, her grand-son Brandon or his beautiful wife, she never met her great-grandchildren Penny and Abram. So much we missed together.

That crazy old Italian woman took every opportunity she could to torment me until she finally died. Her evil act on the day of my mom's funeral stole something from me that I would only get back years later, when I finally learned about God's unconditional love. My mom loved me, she didn't want to leave me, I didn't do anything to cause her illness or death! I have a picture of her on my dresser and every time I look at it, I know that that is the same exact look that's going to be on her face when I meet her in heaven! I don't know why she had to be sick for so long and then have to leave us to go to heaven. People through the years have told me what she was like before she fell ill and that helped me to feel like I knew her a little better. I was also told that I was a lot like her and that, in and of itself was a great comfort to me, because I knew then, that my son and my grand-children really did get to know her.......through me :)


The memory of the righteous will be a blessing, but the name of the wicked will rot. Proverbs 10:7

The Privilege

I just wanted to share what my devotional said today:

This is the cross from my
mom's casket.

Mark 8:34...If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

The cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes. I may have to be content with mundane tasks in a limited area of service, when I may believe my abilities are suited for much greater work. I may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even tho it yields no harvest whatsoever. I may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me and to speak gently to them, take their side when others oppose them, and bestow sympathy and comfort to them. I may have to openly testify of my Master (Jesus) before those who do not want to hear about him. And, I may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking.

Yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. Yet Jesus is never nearer to me as when I lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit.

He draws close to me in order to mature  my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. All this he does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, I will be of greater use to others.

Where is God?

My nephew Shawn

The last few days have taken me to some emotional lows but something was different this time. I didn't let all those negative and ugly thoughts and emotions take me over the edge. Sure, I was sad about my health taking another dip, and the weekend of 9/11 is always a time when I grieve, cry and feel deep sorrow for all the pain and loss, but this time I didn't blame God. That's HUGE for me because I spent my entire life thinking that God had it out for me and others, and he was just a mean tormentor. People usually look at me like I'm twisted when I admit that and I've found very few that empathize with me (which makes me feel worse!). I know I'm not alone with that and I see people all the time asking, "Why?!" when something terrible happens. People want to know why bad things happen and I think I can only offer what I've come to be my answer.

My counselor gave me an assignment to do once and it entailed writing down five year increments from birth to the present and recording my memories into each category. There was only one increment that didn't have something traumatic in it and as I looked at it, I realized that I was just a child when many of these things happened, then a teenager and then a young woman. The residue of those traumas went on and affected my adult life in so many aspects. So much loss, fear and pain for a little girl with no mom. I couldn't see God in my pain and I was very angry at him, but I also knew that he was real and I had a healthy fear of him, as should we all. I never admitted that I was mad at God though, I just kept it in a secret box inside my heart and there it stayed, seething.

Ever notice when we go to clean or do a project that the first thing we do is go put on some comfortable work clothes. I have a separate pile in the hallway closet with clothes that are so worn out and comfortable that when I put them on I'm ready to take on anything! We would never think to put on our dress-up clothes to do a dirty job! Well, God is no different than us because he took off his pure white robe and purple sash and put on an every day tunic to come and actually be with us, to help us get cleaned up and fixed! I always saw God as, out there somewhere, all holy and righteous and I was an untouchable stain. The way I feel when I'm all dressed up in a white sun dress at a BBQ picnic and the stain is something you don't want near you! But, through years of counseling, reading my bible, fellowship with other Christians and prayer, I've come to see God as the One who will get dirty, to come and save me! I'm not some "thing" that he avoids, I'm his child. Those days of blaming him are over and now I see him "in" everything I go through.

You know all those starving woman and children, all those people being tortured around the world.....God is with them. It's the evil, cruel and greedy that steal their humanitarian support whether it be food, water or money. Dictators and rulers suppress their own people, some hoard them into prisons or refugees camps and treat them like animals. Places like Dar fur, Somalia....hunt and kill the innocents! Syria and Lebanon use woman and children as human shields and bombs. Hitler posed as a godly man to gain power, the Taliban beat and stone women, and the list goes on! ALL of us will have to answer to God one day, those who have repented and are washed in the blood of Christ will have their sins covered and forgiven. But those who have abused their positions of power or those who have hurt even one of God's precious children will stand alone with only their unrepentant acts of cruelty to convict them. There will be a judgement day for those who chose to hurt rather than heal. God has appointed everyone their station, and everyone has a duty to love, those who choose otherwise will have to answer for that. Until God's rapture or return, we are the presence of God.

Inviting God into your "ugly" is refreshing, freeing, and liberating! He wants to be in it with you, not pushed aside. And, you know, all those times I told him to get away from me...he never left, he never leaves....we can turn our back on him but he will never turn his back on you, ever! He never gave up on me and my angry little heart! He excavated that box that I had buried in my heart and when I finally told him he could open it, his light of truth shined in and set me free from all the lies! God is in your pain, your confusion, your circumstance, and he loves you. Oh, how he loves you. James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." If any one of us is angry at him, then we are the cause of the distance between us and the view of his fathomless love! It is obstructed by our own anger or stubbornness! When we start to draw near to God by reading his word or going to church....that's when you will start to see with new eyes.... his work through his children. If something is bad or sad, it's not from God it's from sin! God is in it with his children, like a buddy in a fox hole.

Those times when my doubts turn my heart depressed, and all I feel is completely overwhelmed with self-pity, those are the times when my attitude debilitates me from helping others, because I'm so focused on me! That's exactly what satan wants is ineffective, useless, frightened people! Because when God's children are not out there visibly doing his acts of love, that's when people don't see God! I know right now, not having a car is what's making me feel so ineffective and useless! But, I have to see God in it, and know that this is where he wants me right now,.writing these deep truths that he has given to me and sharing them through this blog. I'd rather be out there busy but he wants me "still" right now so he can talk through me. My friend Jill just lost her dear friend and sister-in-law, and her brother had a severe heart attack just minutes after learning of his wife's death! What did Jill do? She went to him, she loved him and served him, she comforted him and listened to his cries of pain. Where was God? He was there, in Jill!

How can we go from a person who questions God, to a person who lets God live through them? We love. We love others as their lives are crumbling, we comfort, care, serve and pray for them. God is here "IN US"! He lives and loves through us and we can't let our anger which is rooted in lies stop us from being his hands, voice, eyes and feet! HE IS IN IT, THROUGH US! It's only when we see life without God's love being expressed that we cry out, WHY? Do, do, do, unto others as you would have them do unto you! Whatever your gift is, go, go, go and exercise it in the lives of the hurting. My sister just called and told me that her son Shawn may have colon cancer! He's my nephew that I've spoken of in the past that is severely handicapped. He was just diagnosed two weeks ago with a degenerative spine that is literally crushing him to death and now this! My sister's husband also needs a kidney in order to live! How does she cope? She made sure she had a supportive friend who prays with her, listens to her, cries with her and supports her. She prays to God for all she needs to endure and for the strength to be there and fulfill her duties to her family. Where is God? He is in my sister as she cares for them, he is in Shawn and his joyful spirit as he endures it all with a smile, which comforts my sister so much! He is in me as I'm there for her, he is in the doctor's as they share compassion and knowledge, he is in every kind person that her path crosses........God is in us.

Replace your fears and doubts with the love and confidence that God has for you. People need "you"! You are here for a specific purpose and that is to be a mirrored image of God in this world. No matter where you are or what your limitations are, God can use you! Some people love to cook, some clean, some run errands, some sit and listen, some encourage, some write, some dance, some ........ Be his work gloves and let him use you so that people will stop saying, "Where is God?" and start saying, "I see God in you!" God is not mean, he is not absent, he is not indifferent, people are. Why would God allow people to hurt you or your loved ones? He doesn't, the sin and evil that is in the hearts of men, and is not bridled by God's Spirit, follows it's own fleshly desires. People hurt people, God feels everything we feel, he rejoices when we rejoice and he weeps when we weep. He takes no pleasure in sickness, pain or anything evil! Sickness is a result of this sin ravaged world but it will not last forever. He is planning on retrieving us very soon, so go be God's image in the world and serve just as he served when he walked this earth.

They will know you as children of God by your love for one another.

1 John 4:16...And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is Love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in him!

1 John 4:19....We love because he first loved us!

1 John 4:4b....The One (God) who is "in you" is greater than the one (satan) who is in the world!

Galatians 5:13.... Serve one another in love.

2 Corinthians 5:14.... For Christ's love compels us...

Ephesians 4:1,2.... As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Hebrews 10:23,24.... Let us hold to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

1 Peter 1:22b....Love one another deeply from the heart.

1 Peter 4:7,8....The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.

2 Peter 1:5,6,7....Make every effort to add to your faith goodness, and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For, if you posses these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive....

LOVE IS A VERB

Go and Tell...

It just blows me away to know that people from all over the world are reading this blog! Thank you! People I don't know and never will are absorbing God's truth and insights into their hearts and minds! Hello Malaysia, Canada, Pakistan, Brazil, Russia, Germany, Indonesia....! It's amazing that we will never meet here but we will all be in heaven for eternity together! We will be a living temple, a breathing church that will live in the light of God's glory forever!

This is one of my paintings :)

My only dream for this blog is to reach as many people as God chooses, with the good news of Jesus Christ and our salvation through Him! I often think about people in other countries using this site to share the most excellent truth with others that aren't saved yet! It's so amazing that, here I am, just a woman who has no car and no access to the outside world right now, is reaching hearts around the world! Only God could do such a phenomenal thing! We are simply called as Christians to "go and tell",  about what God has done for us. Our own personal stories, how simple and pure is that. Sharing the gospel hasn't changed its format since the times of Jesus walking the earth. Some of you may be in countries that can't openly share your faith, but the simple whisper of one's mouth to an other's ear is all God asks of you. Other's put their lives on the line to just believe, and then they courageously share these sacred beliefs of salvation with others.

Here in America, we have such a blessed freedom to be able to speak freely about God's grace and pardon! Yet, so many opportunities slip by, because we don't have that sense of urgency that those who don't have freedom,cling to and cherish so much! Everything that we do on this earth that isn't eternal will be gone like dust in the wind someday. What matters is how we love one another, whether it be our spouse, children, friends, strangers...Our love toward one another will be eternal! Being a mother is one of the most precious and difficult jobs there is, and raising our children or grand-children, foster children...with the love of God is an immense contribution! Think of Billy Graham's mother! Driving someone to an appointment, making everyday meals, extending your arms, sending a letter, text or email to remind someone that you're thinking of them, visiting someone who is alone, isolated or maybe just lost a mate......Eternal gifts are immeasurable!

There are also those who serve in a capacity that reaches out even further. Ministries that reach out to prison inmates, the homeless, the poor souls that struggle with mental illnesses, volunteers that serve the sick, the poor and the lonely and those who do these things as a profession because it's their gift. You may be the only Jesus that some people ever see! Everything done "in love", from the smallest gesture, such as a smile or an act of courtesy, to giving your life for someone, as in any commitment from marriage, parenting or even smuggling bibles into dangerous places, is eternal! I don't remember what presents I received in the past but I remember all the kindnesses! Where ever God has you, reach out from there and God's ripple effect will take it from heart to heart.

I always thought that God had BIG plans for me and I was told by people in my life that they felt that too! But, as the years have come and gone, I have dropped my dreams of being on stage or having a highly acclaimed book. God chose for me to be right where I am...humble and not puffed up, knowing the truth instead of believing lies, sharing His insights rather than being self-seeking. I joy in the small things now and find purpose in kind gestures extended, I am blessed by God and He uses me to bless others. I send boxes of goofy things to my kids and grand-kids, make lunch and dinner for my husband and his handicapped brother, and my unimpressive schedule allows me to be available when my sister or someone else needs a friend to talk to or pray with. Oh, and of course..... writing a blog about Jesus from my chair, in my little corner of the world.

1 Corinthians 16:14...Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be a person of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, 13....Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.....and now these three remain: faith, hope and love (charity). But the greatest of these is Love

Matthew 22:39... Love your neighbor as yourself

John 15:17.....This is my command....Love each other.

Galatians 5:6b...The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Galatians 5:13b....Serve one another in love.

After Summer

After spending some time this morning reading some Walt Whitman, I noticed that I was feeling different. My heart was filled with beauty again! Don't you love those days when everything looks so clear and all the colors are bursting with vibrancy! Your mind doesn't feel vague but alive and aware! It has seemed like a lifetime since I've basked in this light! I love to write and I've been entrenched in lamentations for so long that as I wrote today, I could feel life running through me again!

"After Summer" by Dee Armes-Hartmann

Outside the seagulls are cawing as they fly over my house. That's one of my favorite sounds, and when I hear it my mind takes me...... to a place where it's foggy and cool. I'm all wrapped up in a cable knit sweater, a soft hand-made scarf, leggings and fleece lined boots! I can smell the ocean's salt traveling on the fog and swirling all around me, making my hair curl up and my cheeks cool and rosy. I hear the loose gravel with each step as it grinds into the wet walkway and the rich moist dirt along the pathway gives off its organic scent! Everything feels so alive, even the rocks seem to have their own voice as the dew brings out all their hidden colors.

I look up and the hills are covered with a blanket of lush, intense green foliage and the grey sky is the color of my favorite cashmere wrap. All the things I love to sense are around me and with me. The shore with its collection of pebbles and old drift wood brings me a feeling of a safe and familiar path that I've come to travel with love. The waves reach into the land, then drift back to sea as if they know they can't be together, I try to time my steps to not interfere with their forbidden longings. Raw sand packs under my feet with each step and as I glance back I can see my past, then looking ahead, my future. I have no agenda, no plans, just one foot in front of the other till I feel like stopping or something stops me, like a grand view or a benign moment.

These days, when the sun is hidden by the clouds and all of life seems to be singing in alto, "Come out from your hiding places, where the shade cooled you and your eyes relaxed. Come out and feel refreshed and rested from the long days of summer!" I find now is the time to go slow, be thoughtful, cuddle, hibernate and drink warm things. Smell apples and cinnamon, hold people, stay in bed longer dreaming... Trust your toil to the seasons, while the sky waters your garden for you, for all is quiet and well with the heartbeat of God's earth. God himself whispers to you that it's time to rest, like the bud in the branch and the gladiola in her bulb, respect the season. See the rivers full, the apple trees robust and the birds flying low with their belly's full of corn. All is well and without need, so go ahead, desire deeply the goodness of God, for the branches are bending low with His bounty!

Beautiful

A simple old picture of a happy me :)

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b

 I miss the good old days when kid's looked like kids, not the scary vampires or street walkers that they look like today. There are junior high school kids getting boob-jobs for their graduations and I even heard recently about a mom who injects her 8 year old with botox so she looks better in her beauty pageant! Today, they're all growing up too fast and they're missing so much of their innocence and the freedom of feeling good about themselves. They're all hiding behind anything that will protect their fragile little hearts from being exposed or hurt and it's so sad. Mom's look different too, with all the botox, plastic surgeries and endless Pilate's, TRX and aerobics classes. They actually borrow their teenage daughter's jeans! When did woman with hormones start looking like kids who have no hormones? But grandma's, they have to be the same right? Baking cookies with their purplish grey hair and worn house-dresses. No, even grand-mothers are looking 30-40 and dressing like teenagers! The magazine's make us all feel like we aren't good enough unless we have a size 22 waist and our skin is tan and flawless. We all walk around with that condemning inner voice that says, "I hate the way I look!",  no matter how good we look or what age we are! We are even trying to compete with images that are computer enhanced and air brushed!

My granny! No Botox, no
face-lift just joy!

 I thought reaching 50 was a rite of passage where you didn't have to deal with all that nonsense anymore! I was so ready for the break in the insanity! I just wanted to look like my aunts and laugh as hard as they did when they were together! My Aunt Bessie had purple hair because she was a hairdresser back in the 50's and she put that same purple rinse in her white poodles coat of hair so they matched! It was a sight to be seen, a memory that I will never forget and something that I actually miss. I never heard one of them say they needed to diet or go to the gym, they just lived and enjoyed life. They buttered everything, went for ice cream cones with the family and drank beer and ate peanuts while they played cards. None of them were obese, they just had that over 50 look that was normal then! Each decade they became a new version of themselves and all their friends did the same. They all progressed together like a group hug. I remember several times in the past where I was a size 5 and my girlfriends and I would grab our "tiny" tummy pouches and say, "ULG, this is so gross!" What I would give to have that tiny pooch right now! Someone once told me a saying that went something like this, "I wish I were as fat as I thought I was when I was thin!" I don't know if I'm some kind of freak or something but my body looks like undigested cottage cheese, and at 52 and 9/10ths my body looks exactly like my mom's did at this age. I'm seriously too tired to keep up with all the creams, spray tans, cellulite scrubs..... I just want to be like my aunts were.....happy.

 I think living in California doesn't help but I'm pretty sure this is rampant, at least in this country. I'd love to be naturally lean and athletic like some people but I did not get those genes! My sister and I will actually look to the heavens and ask, "Whyyyyyyy?, If life has to be so hard...why can't we just get to have some pizza and ice cream to make it all seem a little easier?" But noooo, everything we eat seems to want to display itself proudly on our midriff! I went from a lean Greyhound to a wrinkly Shar pei in just 6 years! I often wished we had fur on us like a golden retriever to cover all the imperfections. Wouldn't that be cute? I went to see a plastic surgeon once and I soon learned that it would cost me the same amount to have them chop me up and stretch me like a kielbasa sausage as it would to buy a Lamborghini! It's obvious I didn't get either one.

This was just a few days before my first
boyfriend's sister told me that I was fat.
I never felt like a kid again after that.

Do you know what I would give to have my mom alive and to be able to cuddle up on her renaissance lap! My granny wasn't a robust woman but her boobs were around her waist where they belonged at age 90! There are woman 20 years older than me that don't need to wear a bra because of surgery and implants and I have to say that disturbs me because it's not fair!(I've thrown myself on the floor and I'm having a tantrum :) Don't get me wrong, some people need it I guess, but I just can't get myself to voluntarily go have someone cut my skin! You know what I'm saying because we all think it....Why can't we just age naturally and have joy in our hearts!

The mental torture in this culture of perfection and youth runs through the minds of grade school children to grannies! I know that I'm not going to go enjoy myself anywhere near a pool because my body hasn't been modified to an acceptable presentation and people may be shocked at the reality of nature! I read that boys who grow up now will not be able to comprehend a pair of natural breasts in their minds because they will only have an augmented vision branded in their brains! I truly don't want to make anyone feel bad about the choices they've made and if you've had work done, then you go girl! I know that if it were free and there was no penetration to the skin such as with scalpels or needles, then I'd probably have a few things done too. I've helped people after plastic surgery and it's not pretty or easy to see. I won't go into statistics but the amount of money that is spent on beauty and diet products each year, just in this country could sustain a small countries annual budget! Ladies, do what you have to do, but don't forget about the perfectly sculptured woman that God wants you to be inside. I know people can be both and God knows I'd love to be one of them but I think He has other plans for me.

R u serious? They draw
12 inch waistlines! Did you
know that Barbie doll couldn't
stand as a  real girl
with the proportions
they gave her!

I have been on a quest to achieve "inner" beauty, yes, inner beauty, the rarest of all the beauties! The only beauty that never fades, never stops glowing and can never be veiled! Don't get it in your mind that I am somehow above all the physical improvements, I just didn't have the means to do any of them at the point when I was desiring instant gratification the most. So, after years of self-deprecation I'm giving in and letting God give me an inner make-over. I still have many moments where I think about going and buying a new leather purse or having RejuvinX (sp) injected into my face and lips but I've come to a place where I truly and sincerely want inner peace more. It's much easier to go get a quick fix but God has put me in a sacred place at the perfect time in my life to make this decision. I'm choosing to remain exactly where God has me. It's not where I would choose because I want some relief from this tough time we're going through, but I know God has a better way and I'm going to do my best to work with Him so He can finish the inside of me first!

So here's to purple hair, cellulite, wrinkles and rolls! I hate em all, but until I can see myself the way God sees me then nothing I do on the outside is going to bring me the peace of heart and mind that I want so badly inside. I'll still keep trying that treadmill and keep praying for a gym membership but one thing I'm done with is dieting! I'll make good food choices and enjoy treats occasionally but no more dieting! I miss enjoying life and I'm sick of trying to look 20! I'm going to be 53 next month and I'm going to start the second half of my life by cutting loose all the self-condemnation! I'm going to do the best I can when I can, and every one's just going to have to deal with it. I'm not going to be one of those women either, that gain a lot of weight and act as though it doesn't bother them. I want to find a middle, just like Goldie locks said, "Not too soft, not too hard, but just perfect!" Perfect for me.

My girlfriend and I have these goofy days where we take silly
pictures of ourselves and laugh our butts off afterward! I have
another friend that used to be my audience as I read
sonnets like a love-lorn English woman! I feel prettiest when
I'm laughing. 

Watch the movie Enchanted April and study Joan Plowrights character! It will teach you something wonderful

P.S. If anything in this post came off as judgemental, forgive me for I in no way intended it to. I just know that no matter what we do to the outside of ourselves or whatever we buy at a store will never quench that inner voice in all of us that beats us up both mentally and emotionally. I'm never going to have perfect inner beauty and a mind free of condemnation, but I do know that that's what God wants us to be working on more than the other stuff. May your heart find joy, your mind find peace and your body find the perfect bathing suit and cover-up! :)

It's alright to stare into the distance or glance at something near; you can stare at all kinds of things but don't stare in a mirror.  Dee

In the book of Luke 7:36-50,  there is a story about a young woman who had lived wrongly and she comes into a house where Jesus is having dinner with a host. She falls at the feet of Jesus and begins to wash His feet with her tears as she wipes them with her hair, she then opens a bottle of very expensive perfume and pours it over his feet. "She has done a beautiful thing", said Jesus. THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD USE THE WORD "BEAUTIFUL"!

God's Grace

Brian's brother Kevin aka Moose

This morning we watched, "The Hour of Power" which is church on t.v. Sometimes we like to have church at home when I'm not particularly feeling well and today was one of those days. The sermon was uplifting and full of life and energy! The Pastor is from a church in Los Angeles where they do 24/7 outreach to the community, helping homeless people, gang members, drug addicts... I cry at all the stories but at the same time I'm saying an inner prayer, "Dear Lord, thank you for people with those kinds of hearts that can do that kind of service for others, and thank you that they do it and I don't have to." Seriously, there is not one ounce of me that wants to do a job or service that entails that close of a physical interaction to another person. In my opinion, Nurses are saints and God placed that gift inside of the most special people!

For years I thought I was an awful person until I realized that we each have different gifts. I could literally live in a little attic apartment with my computer and just go out once in awhile with friends. As much as I am a people-person I'm also a recluse and when I say people-person, I'm more of a stand-up comedian, up on stage and at a good distance from the crowd type. My friends and family are different though, because mentally I have taught my brain that their skin and blood is no different than my own, so I can be there for them in ways that I don't prefer to be there for strangers or acquaintances. However, I've been put in some precarious situations with people who are not family, where I had to serve in ways that were WAAAAYYY out of my comfort zone, but I chose to do them and God got me through. I am not going to go into any detail but just imagine me cleaning up adult messes from bodily fluids to well, (I'm just sitting here paralyzed by my memories with my mouth hanging open), please just use your imagination and times it by 10, because I can't even write about them!

The strange thing about these acts of service is that God gave me the grace I needed at the time to actually serve in that capacity and to do them with empathy. Ever since I was a small child and I had to watch my mom go through so many humiliating circumstances while she cried and her bottom lip quivered from emotional overload, (she had a massive stroke and was debilitated at the age of 44),  I have had a tremendous sense of empathy for others (I'm crying so hard right now!) I hate to see people suffer or be afraid. (I can't stop whaling). I've got to hurry and finish this cause I'm loosing it. Anyway, this morning I woke up fine but as the afternoon started I began to feel sad because everything seems to be so difficult for so many people right now and I really wanted God to give me a bright spot in my day so I could feel good and not crappy. It's one of those days where you don't even have the slightest desire to shower or function because everything from your own self to world events seems too overwhelming! Then, as I was curled up having a mini-pity-party, my husband called my name and asked me to come out to the garage.

As I walked through the door there he was standing next to his brother Kevin (whose 50 yrs old and handicapped, like rain-man but talkative and funny!) and he asked if I could cut their hair, trim their necks, eyebrows, ears... AND cut Kevin's finger and toe nails! Well,  there I was earlier asking God for a bright spot and now He gives me two Sasquatch that need grooming! My husband was doing his best to make it fun and full of humor and it totally helped as I proceeded to do the last thing I felt like doing! Kevin was adorable though, because he always wants to know if he was a good boy while you worked on him and Brian had me laughing at how ludicrous they both looked with their shirts off, the garage door open and me shaving their tremendously hairy backs and shoulders! I thought, Oh My Gosh, if anyone looks out their window and sees this, we are going to get thrown out of the neighborhood or have Animal Control called on us!

It's funny how the things we avoid somehow find a place of joy in our heart after we do them. God does know what's best for us, and sometimes he uses other people to prod us out of our pity-party or comfort zone. It used to be my responsibilities as a parent that forced me out into the world when I didn't feel like it, or sometimes a sick friend that needed help, but it was in those times of duty that I truly was the hands, feet, voice and heart of God. I've found that I secretly want someone to need me because that's when I feel the love of Christ saturate me the most. The quandary is that most of my life I've had to take care of someone but I don't in anyway consider myself a long-term care-giver, yet, that's exactly what I was and continue to be. Brian's brother Kevin is living with us now and mom doesn't seem to be getting any better at the nursing home. Taking care of him full-time was something that terrified me but God's grace is proving to be more than sufficient during this time and I know it will continue to be so.

I always considered myself to be more of a side show that pops in to cheer or comfort someone and that's what I always knew I was good at, but God has a different plan for me right now. I still don't have a car and my dinosaur of a computer is seriously acting ancient and  irritable! It has erased two of my posts after I wrote them and that was like someone taking a piece of my soul away from me! My hands and feet are covered with a severe eczema breakout and it feels like fire-ants are eating my flesh and every day seems like ground-hog day! Every time I get in a groove that helps me cope with my circumstances, I just get knocked backwards! I try to exercise and my knee or back goes out, I go to do a project and I can't find or access the tools I need. Ever feel like the wind is in your face or the hill has no top? Whenever this happened in the past I would fling myself into bed and just give up but this time I can see God in it. I've changed my inner and outer dialog and even how I interact with those around me and this time I'm refusing to go down! I'm choosing to speak God's truth out loud and in my heart and I constantly remind myself of the sufferings of others, so I don't microscope myself. My sufferings may be small compared to others who are fighting larger things but God's grace is for everyone and every situation!

So here I am, stuck in my home with just myself and Kevin all day trying to have a heart full of joy when all I want to do  is change my identity and fly to some Caribbean Island! My exciting life is in the past and right now I have to joy in the small things like doing laundry, cleaning toilets, washing the dogs....God chose me out of everyone in the world to be a care-giver, from my mom to Kevin and everyone in between because no one could love them the way that God knew I could. My sister was chosen to care for her severely handicapped son Shawn and her husband who needs a kidney. God chose Brian, my husband to care for his mom, brother and me and so it goes on into all of our lives. You are where you are for a reason and even though we dream of better days and smoother roads, our paths are not a mistake right now. No one in all the earth can love who has been put in your life the way you can. There is no job too menial, no service too beneath us and no person too unworthy of the love that God wants to pour through you. My view of loving has taken me from a pop-in visitor, to now, washing someones feet and even grooming two big hairy Sasquatch in my garage! Whatever you do...do it with love.....as if you were doing it unto Christ. (Matthew 25:40)

*It's not what you do, but with how much love you do it. Mother Theresa

*God loves it when we serve, but he especially loves it when we sing while we're doing it!

A POEM....
*I longed to walk along an easy road, and leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God; but Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow seeds far away, to leave my desert tent, to fight the battles for my King, my dreams He said, "Relent".

I longed to leave the hard and difficult sphere, where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near, but Jesus had me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the common daily toil, where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for you this soil, that you may raise for me some blossoms rare.

And now I have no longing but to do, at home or far away His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few; Thus, "Choosing not to choose," my heart is still.
Author unknown

Rejoice?

Chapter 3, verses 17-18 in the book of Habakkuk in the Old Testament reads, Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pens and no cattle in the stalls, YET I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior!

Can we say, "YET I WILL REJOICE in the Lord, I WILL BE JOYFUL in God my Savior", when sorrow and crushing blows come our way? When there is no oil in our lamp during the darkest night? When our stomachs are empty and pangs of hunger wrench our guts? I would have said, "No" a few months ago because I was buried under my own view of all that was happening in my life! I had a self-perspective not a God-perspective and when we look at life through our circumstances and not through God, all we see is the impossible, which only bears the bad fruit of hopelessness. It wasn't until I came to the end of myself and surrendered everything, that God gave me spiritual glasses! I was blind but now I see, because I finally chose to fully and unconditionally believe that God can't, won't and will never let me down! He is in it with me until the end. He is my full portion and my deepest need.

What freedom, what liberty there is in surrendering to God! I used to live in fear of everything and hide it all behind smiles, proper appearances and perfected speech. GOD IS REAL AND HE EXPECTS US TO BE REAL TOO! It was in Christ's humanness that people fell in love with him and if we aren't truthful about our struggles then God's work cannot be accomplished through us! I'm not saying to be a blubbering idiot and tell every person you meet the personal details of your sin! I'm saying to let God's Spirit direct your feet and mouth. Think of someone that you truly admire because of their poise, grace and self-control and adopt that behavior into your soul. Our past behavior or secret sins are like ugly sharp pieces of rock and we have to go to the Great Rock Polisher and surrender it to Him so he can smooth our edges and bring the beauty out from under the surface.

I recall when I had my kitchen re-done and I went to look at the huge sheets of polished granite! They had pictures and samples of the raw rock and it was ugly! It looked like a big dirt ball, all dry, course and without any noticeable redeeming qualities at all, similar to a geode. I thought, "How could this unique, colorful, magnificent sheet of granite come from that!?" The owner of the store told me about the process from blasting the earth to retrieving the raw boulders to the final polishing of the sheet. How could I not see the analogy there, between the rock and it's journey and our lives in God's hands, becoming  all that we were meant to be because he knew our potential "in him". Every time I see granite, I'm reminded that under all that beauty was once an unloved, undiscovered treasure, just like us before Christ's redemption! The grinding and polishing process doesn't remove what was in the rock, it just shows the beauty that can come out of it! Don't let the pride of that beauty ever make you blind and judgemental to those who don't appear polished in your eyes. Pray for humility.

There is a scripture from Psalm 42:7 which reads...Deep calls unto deep. God doesn't reach down from the heaven's and thrust his awesomeness into our heart like a lightning bolt. No, he chose to send his only beloved son down to this earth to walk among us in flesh and bone. Then, after he died on the cross for our sins, he left to go prepare a place for us in heaven, but he sent his Holy Spirit to dwell "in" us so that the polishing process could start and his image would be seen in us when he calls us home. The work he begins in us, he will be faithful to complete, Philippians 1:6. Yes, our God takes the deepest part of him and reaches into the deepest part of us, but he does it in a personal way. Just as the miners go deep within the earth to find the raw rock because they know what worth lies inside of it, God will reach deep within your life, if you let him, because you are of much worth to him!

So, will we be able to say, "Yes, I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in God my Savior, when the skillful hands of  The Rock Cutter are poised above us, ready to begin the sharp blows that will result in our final polished spirit? Will we find it in ourselves to lift our voices in praise, when the grapes are not on the vine and the olive crops have failed? I believe we will...because it is in God's loving nature to not only prepare his children for what life has to come, but also to put deep inside of us, the unpolished yet unquestionable beauty of himself. The God of all creation lives inside of you! What do we have to fear?

Ecclesiastes 3:11...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Let His Word build you up, so nothing can take you down. 

Living Stones

Job 36:15...Those who suffer, He delivers.

I have been delivered from my suffering! None of my circumstances have changed but God changed me! The time in the crucible has not been for nothing. God purified me through my trials and has changed my heart of discouragement to a heart of hope! Today I was reading from my devotional and I want to share what it said...

The stones in the wall said, "We have come from mountains far away...from the sides of rugged cliffs. Fire and water have worked on us for ages but have only produced crevices. Yet human hands like yours have made us into homes where children of your immortal race are born, suffer, rejoice, find rest and shelter, and learn the lessons that our Maker and yours is teaching. BUT, to come to the point of being used for this purpose, we have endured much. Dynamite has torn to our very heart, and pickaxes have broken and split us into pieces. Often as we lay disfigured and broken in the quarry, everything seemed to be without design or meaning. But gradually we were cut into blocks and some of us were chiseled with sharper instruments until we had a fine edge. Now we are complete, in our proper places, and are of service."

"You however, are still in your quarry. You are not complete, and because of that, as once was the case with us, there is much you do not understand. But you are destined for a higher building, and someday you will be placed in it by angelic hands, becoming a living stone in a heavenly temple!"  Author unknown

Great Sculptor, hew and polish me; nor let, hidden and lost, Your form within me lie.

Psalm 63:4...I will praise you Lord, for as long as I live!

Your mighty blows are not to crush me but to reveal your image from inside my heart of stone!