In looking back, I see only two stubborn people who missed out on a lot of good things. One being an avoidant and the other being a pursuant made for a marathon of demanding and denying, that went on for years. The avoidant ignored the pain that they caused by not addressing their own issues and because of that, the pursuant suffered deeply. I (the pursuant), began an archaeological dig into their heart and became obsessed with why they couldn't find a reason for their behavior! If they couldn't do it, then I would relentlessly dig until I found a resolution. Many years later, exhausted from a fruitless search, I found no answer and I broke down. What are we to do when someone won't change and that refusal causes so much suffering? God calls us to surrender, just like His son Jesus did on the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." But can we trust God to avenge us or make it right or is taking matters into our own hands the only option? The first thing we need to know is that God's nature is to heal through love. So, the question would be, "Do we trust God, or is it vengeance we seek above all else? Could it be that we are so blind with anger that we would choose a life of contempt just to make the other person as miserable as we are?" It takes a lot of surrendering of pride to choose to love someone who is causing you deep distress. It takes a lot less energy to forgive and trust God with it. (Note: If anyone is suffering from abuse, I am not suggesting to remain in a dangerous situation. Go to a safe place where you can work on your inner healing process with God.)
When an injustice is committed against us we sometimes think that the other person knows exactly what they're doing, but in reality, if that person knew better then they would do better. Forgiving first sets "us" free, and then that act of Godly love can change even the coldest of hearts sometimes. Those who remain unrepentant will have to answer to God one day but our act of releasing them still sets us free! My unforgiving heart held me prisoner for years and I suffered tremendously. My choice to rebel and disobey God's command to forgive ate me alive from the inside out and now seeing it in retrospect, I just added insult to injury. I was injured so I insulted! I deliberately chose to resent someone because of my feelings of entitlement, yet, at the same time I refused to admit that I was consciously doing that. All the while, I heard an angry voice deep inside me screaming, "It's not fair!" Thank God that Jesus didn't act like me as He hung on the cross!
After years of seeking resolve but finding only dead ends, God did something miraculous the other night that blew me away! I had woken up from a dead sleep and got up to go pee...as I stumbled to the bathroom I was half asleep and half awake yet God's Spirit started a thought process in my mind. It all happened in a matter of a few minutes but the lesson He was revealing to my heart felt as if it was an hour! At first, my heart was saying to Him, "I can't go on like this anymore, all hope is gone and this will never change! I have crawled to the finish line and still no resolve!" I felt abandoned, robbed and completely discouraged, but then I started thinking about the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and lastly, acceptance), and God spoke to my spirit and whispered, "It's time to stop fighting, time to release your stubborn grip and trust Me. You have worn yourself out trying it your way. You need to just love this person and let them love you the only way they know how." I wept and said, "I accept it...give me the love I need to do this Lord."
My heart felt a sense of relief and then the Holy Spirit took my mind back to a very old memory....I was a young girl, probably third grade and I was standing in the breezeway of my old elementary school waiting for my bus to come. My teacher was next to me and asked me, "Are you excited about being in the school play? (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs). I replied, "Yes, but only if I can be Dopey. If I can't be Dopey then I don't want to be anything!" She responded immediately, "Well, then maybe you won't be anything." I felt embarrassed and I remember wanting her to feel as bad as me so I said, "Fine, I don't care." Well, here I was 46 years later and I was feeling the exact same feeling in my current dilemma! I felt God say to me in a loving yet facetious way, "I gave you exactly what you wanted, you got to be Dopey." Yes, I got to be Dopey alright!
My dear friend Rogina told me about this mental exercise years ago, where you ask yourself to think of the first memory that comes into your head, then name what you're feeling in that memory and it will tell you what you're feeling in your current plight. It's always accurate and revealing, yet this time I realized that God uses it as a very effective tool for us to acknowledge and change the broken and immature child inside! In a flash, a blink of an eye, God revealed the truth about my heart to me, He used a flashback to make me finally understand why this old habit of mine caused me nothing but pain and suffering. My stubborn heart robbed not only me but my loved one of so much goodness. Maybe they didn't know how to change, but I now did. In a matter of seconds, God flashed scenario after scenario of times in my life where stubbornness robbed me of joy! Sometimes we must lose a battle in order to win the war. God was clear...surrender this to Me....If you trust Me with this act of obedience, I will give you a peace beyond anything that you could ever imagine (Phillipians 4:7). I went back to sleep and awoke the next morning with this epiphany fresh in my mind, heart and soul!
That morning I surrendered my deepest struggle to God and began to release all my resentment, bitterness, anger, fury, helplessness...to Him and He started flowing His love and healing through me. I had opened up the release valve finally, and let my angst start pumping out, while at the same time, I attached myself tightly to God and let Him fill me with the newness and goodness that comes with forgiveness! I'm done despising and resenting....I'm free and I have handed my situation over to God finally! I have come to the complete revelation that my unforgiveness poisoned everything, but God's love will purify it and that's what I truly desired. I let go and I now trust God with all of it. I will enjoy what love I do get and be grateful for it, I don't want to carry all that contempt anymore. I don't know what the outcome will be but I know that God works all things together for good, so that sounds a lot better than what I was doing. They say unforgiveness is like taking poison then waiting for the other person to die. I can attest that that is exactly what unforgiveness is like and I am so grateful that God rescued me. Why did it take so long? The answer is simple....it's because I was stubborn, I trusted my anger over God's love and I was determined that... if I couldn't be Dopey then I didn't want to be anything.... and I got exactly what I demanded.
I believe now that I have ripped up the roots of discontentment and have planted a tree of love that God will honor my act of surrender and obedience. He will bring a river of healing, so that where there was once bitterness there will now be new growth. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). I threw out the baby with the bath water and caused a painful situation to be even more painful. When we try to find all the love we need in others rather than from God, we are just setting ourselves up for a long fall. God is the source of all love, God "is" love. Psalm 73:23 reads, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." I made a mess of a mess when I clung to my pride, I felt unjustly treated but God knows a better way, a way that will not destroy us like ours will. We can never change another person unless they want to change and isn't that what we really want, is for them to "choose" us! To choose to change because we are worth it! That's exactly what God wants from each of us, to want to change and repent of our old ways so we can be called children of the Most High. He would know that we loved Him of our own free will. Change starts in our own hearts and all the contemptuous behavior in the world will not get someone to change for you....only love will.
Matthew 6:14,15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But, if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (This sure makes you look at forgiveness differently, doesn't it!?)
Forgive your enemies in your heart and hold no malice toward them. Then, you can draw strong boundaries without carrying hate in your heart. You can live a life free of bitterness and anger yet still self-protect and be obedient to God.
Deuteronomy32:35 Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.
Luke 6:37 Forgive and you will be forgiven...
Luke 23:34 Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Colossians 3:13 Forgive as the Lord forgives you.
Never use sin as an excuse to sin....hating someone because they hurt you, is like hurting yourself for them.
Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14
Suggested reading: How to Forgive... When You Don't Feel Like It, by June Hunt, A Step Farther and Higher, by Gail MacDonald, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.
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