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| Edvard Munch's, The Scream. |
A small storm hit my life about four days ago and with all the knowledge I have about surviving difficult times...I curled up in a ball and just cried! It blind sided me and felt like a board hit me behind the knees, I just went down like a sky diver without a shoot! We have a weather situation here in Southern California called the Santa Ana winds and when they come they bring various side effects with them! I've heard these winds talked about in other countries and when their word for them is translated, it means devil winds. One of the horrible effects of the winds is that you get symptoms before they actual start blowing. It feels as though you are slowly being sucked dry of all moisture in your brain and body and it causes a physical reaction of fear. What happens is the ions in the air change their charge from negative to positive (negative ions make you feel great whereas positive ions cause the opposite) and a sixth sense manifests itself with a myriad of side effects from feeling disoriented to a heightened sense of aggravation and even extreme anxiety. Statistics show that crime rates rise and domestic disturbances are more common during this time.
I came home Saturday after being out half the day and my body was feeling out of sorts. My mind kept sending me warnings to get home because I was feeling worse by the second. By the time I arrived back home I had only one objective and that was get in bed! My entire body was seizing up in pain and it was happening so fast that my mind couldn't comprehend it fast enough. I curled up in a ball as my body felt as if it was loosing all control and I remained that way for three days! Everything that I talk about in my blog posts about surviving was out the window and I felt like I was holding on for dear life as my mind and body spiraled out of control! I felt gripped by fear and any survival techniques were just a faint memory as I struggled to just keep my head above water. It was if I was drowning but there was no water.
Not everyone gets affected this way but many people do. The winds can cause symptoms as small as a headache to severe allergies to a strong physical and neurological reaction! I am severely affected by this wind condition, from extreme pain to being so tired that I don't even remember days at a time! Being home with no car and feeling isolated and alone didn't help my circumstances, since the simple fact of knowing you are not alone with a scary scenario can be a great comfort. All my fears rose their ugly heads and I felt overwhelmed and terrified, I was too weak to take any of them on. I felt so disconnected that even my normal line of communication to God was down! Everything that I knew as normal was gone and I felt exposed and vulnerable.
I know I sound hyper-sensitive and dramatic but this is how I felt and this is what I write about. To take all that I've said so far is to merely say that I had an extreme reaction to a situation and it caused anxiety on top of it. It's really that simple, but anyone who knows physical maladies or anxiety can attest to the fact that those topics can be written about in great length and depth. I always get a mental picture of Munch's painting entitled, The Scream, where Edvard Munch, the Norwegian artist from the turn of the century, painted from memory a scene where he later describes...."I was out walking with two friends, the sun began to set, suddenly the sky turned blood-red, I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on a fence, there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord of the city, my friends walked on, and there I still stood, trembling with fear, and I sensed an endless scream passing through Nature." Anxiety brought on by fear, whether conscious or unconscious, is very common and has been since the beginning of time. Another quote, this from the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard (early 1800's)...."My soul is so heavy that no thought can uplift it anymore, nor any wingbeat bear it aloft into the ether. If anything moves at all, it merely grazes the ground, like a bird flying low before a storm. Oppressiveness and anxiety are brooding over my inner being, sensing an earthquake to come."
Munch and Kierkegaard both experienced severe anxiety, while Munch expressed his fear through his painting, Kierkegaard chose the written word, which was his venue of expression. Albeit, I'm grateful to those who had the courage to document this all to common malady. It takes honesty and exposure to ones own soul to lay out before your fellow man your greatest fears, and yet by doing it you bring humanness to yourself and freedom to others through transparency. Being blind sided is a reminder of our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and in retrospect can be used as a real tool for comforting others. I learned from this recent experience that there are circumstances that can peel us to our emotional nakedness and trigger a domino effect of cascading fears that can threaten to bury us alive! Feeling out of sorts will always be leerking around the corner, but don't keep these times of vulnerability too secret because there are people out there that need to know that you aren't invincible and that you can be a safe place for them to fall when they're frightened.
There is no such thing as normal, only nice moments and times, mixed in with challenging events. Did the devil winds blow me away? No, I'm still here, God got me through and there will be more ups and downs to come. One great comfort that I thank God for was a phone call from a friend today, she called to catch me up on what a horrible four days she just had! As she described all the same things that I just did, it brought me great comfort and a settled feeling that I wasn't alone. I was so grateful that she opened up and shared her deepest anxieties and fears with me! We both agreed with each other and made the other one feel "not crazy" by being honest with our feelings and fears. Right now the winds are ripping through our neighborhood, tearing down trees, knocking over trash cans and blowing them down the street...I even saw a patio umbrella go by...but I'm still standing...simply because God still wants me here. Maybe I was unable to save myself, but isn't that the point.....to finally come to a point in your life where you realize that there is Someone (God) that is bigger than you! God is never out of control and He has to remind us of that every so often! So, as long as He keeps getting me through, I'll keep writing, and maybe someday one hundred years from now, someone will read this blog post and think to themselves as I did with Munch..."Wow! They had anxiety way back then too!? I don't feel so alone anymore."
Psalm 91:4-6 He will cover you with His wings. And under His wings you will be safe. He is faithful like a safe-covering and a strong wall. You will not be afraid of trouble at night, or of the arrow that flies by day. You will not be afraid of the sickness that walks by darkness, or of the trouble that destroys by noon.
Psalm 27:1-3 The Lord is my light and the One who saves me. Whom should I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life. Of whom should I be afraid? Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You, oh Lord!
Even the slightest whisper of God's love in your heart can keep the enemy retreating.
Psalm 37:39 But the saving of those who are right with God is from the Lord. He is their strength in times of trouble.
Nahum 1:7 The Lord is good, a safe place in times of trouble. And He knows those who come to Him to be safe.
Psalm 73:26 My body and my heart may grow weak, but God is the strength of my heart and all I need forever!
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