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| Sorrow may endure for a night but Joy cometh in the morning! Psalm 30:5 |
At times I have felt like I've been buried under a trash heap, but I have come to an absolute certainty that God will not leave His children there if we will just surrender to Him! God's plan for our lives was never to get ourselves buried under such messes, but for too many years I chose my own will over His and I dug my own hole! I can even look back at several situations where He wanted to unearth me and save me but I stubbornly fought His loving attempts and desired to remain exactly where I was! Sometimes it's fear, shame, guilt and I guess sometimes we think we are so unworthy that we don't deserve to be saved. We listen to the lies of the enemy so long and then adopt those lies into our hearts as truths! I'm going to be 53 in a few days and I'm still realizing my worth in Christ! His love is unconditional yet so unfathomable! I've been working on it for a long time, changing my inner dialog and thoughts through the truths in the bible and by just spending time with Jesus. I'll just meditate on His unconditional love until my soul begins to stir and I start to fight my way out of the trash heap of lies! He always thrusts His hand down into it and pulls me out when I call for Him though! I trust God now and I see Him as my deliverer!
This is very personal but I feel God leading me to write about this today. I have struggled most of my life with depression and thoughts of suicide. For years it tormented me but as I've grown and matured in my walk with Christ, those battles have become very diminished. I think right now, being without a car and having so few choices and not much freedom, it has made me have to face the remnants and final stains of those horrible feelings and lies. I've always had health problems, and that on top of all the emotional events in my life made for a toxic mix. I lived in constant fear that someone would discover the brokenness inside me and I would be revealed as not the happy, vibrant, fun person that I acted like but as the girl who walked the tight rope of insanity each day. I can't remember ever exhaling unless I drank alcohol or did drugs, I lived with no peace, ever. I had close encounters with dangerous situations due to my naivety and foolishness and I was the victim of three very scary events and one violent crime. I would need more than two hands to recount the times, that I'm aware of, that God rescued me from death or serious injury. My choices, not God's will is what buried me, but it was His love that searched, found and rescued me! My Creator pursued me because of His great love for me! Not that I earned or deserved it, but just because He loved me!
Years ago I awoke one morning and the dark mental pressure was so heavy upon me, that it proved to be one of the rare days where I could not fight the battle for my life and I was scared. Usually my depression makes me have thoughts of ending my life but I know that I would never do it. I have a strong conviction that suicide is the most selfish act a person could choose to do. I would never put my loved ones through that horror by choosing to escape it myself! I'm not saying that you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself, I'm just saying that it is not fair to your loved ones. No pain is so bad that it would trump the pain you would cause the ones left behind. There would be these rare days though, when I feared I had no power over it and my prayers seemed to be empty echos that I would take as God's rejection. That day I drove aimlessly for hours, contemplating everything I had ever heard about suicide and Heaven! I just wanted the pain to end and I desperately needed God to help me! Finally, I drove to a Christian Book Store and as I roamed around I found myself standing in front of a book shelf asking God to once and for all tell me what to do with my life! I felt my arm lift and my hand reach out for this book right in front of me, I opened it to a random page and this is what it read, "Suicide is self-murder." My first reaction was one of disappointment because I just couldn't live the way I was any longer, with this confusion and sickness. But as I realized that the God of the Universe just spoke directly to me, I stood there and said a silent prayer, "God, give me a book right now that is only about how much you love me and save me Lord." As I opened my eyes, my gaze fell to the left and there was this worn and tattered book entitled, Enjoying God.
Enjoying God?...I thought that's a strange concept, I'm terrified of Him and I don't enjoy Him at all! Am I supposed to be enjoying Him?! Now this was a book store full of only new books, so why this particular book looked like a bear had read it, I don't know, but it drew my eye to it and I bought it. I raced home to hopefully find some hope in this gift that God appeared to have given me. It was as if He sat down with me and let the book be His voice to speak to me! It spoke of His love for us in a way I hadn't heard before and it explained about, The Dark Season of the Soul, which in so many words was about depression, hopelessness and despair. As I read, it felt as if someone unlocked my chains and I emerged from the depths of the sea and took a deep breath of oxygen! I literally could feel my cells unlocking and starting to function! The transfer of despair to hope was like a chain reaction that was setting my body and mind free! God saved me from the pit and rescued me that day, He heard my cries and He Placed me on a new road. A road that led to the base of a mountain. He reached out His hand and said, "Follow Me?" and I just smiled, and I chose Him!
My lifetime of inner turmoil, outer chaos, bad decisions and avoidance of God is not meant to be locked up inside of me in a box of shame! If I choose to do that then I will never be authentic or able to do God's work. Christians are not meant to be perfect, we are meant to be honest story tellers of God's love. Transparency, love, honesty, empathy, truth, compassion and non-judgement are the eyes and heart that God can work through! Shame is a prison and it will suffocate you, so choose God and trust Him that where ever you are He will love you through it and out of it! I was in a trash heap and God pulled me from it, cleaned me and raised me, and now though my sins be as scarlet, He has made me white as snow. Don't be ashamed of your stories of darkness, just share honestly and tell the good news that Jesus Christ washes away sins! He doesn't reject us because of them, He longs for us to throw ourselves into His arms and let Him heal us!
The dark season of the soul is not forever, so don't ever give up. I'm not a joyful, bubbly person inside by nature. I'm actually a very sad and lonely person who holds on to my Savior every moment of every day! Whatever you are going through just remind yourself that, "This too shall pass". Moment by moment seek truth and purpose in your life through Jesus Christ. Don't make a bed for yourself in the trash heap of lies and darkness. Call to your God and He will reach for you. All will be well little one. God is in control even when you feel out of control.
Read Ezekiel 16: 1-14!
Romans 5:6 & 8 You see, at just the right time,when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly....Yes! God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us!
Why should I fear when God's word says, "I, God, have not given you a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind! 2 Timothy 1:7
Why should I accept defeat when the bible says, God always leads me in triumph! 2 Corinthians 2:14
Why should I allow the enemy supremacy over my life when Gods says, "Greater is Me in you than he that is in the world.
Suggested reading for this topic: Praying God's Word by Beth Moore, Enjoying God by S.J. Hill, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, Telling Yourself the Truth by Marie Chapian and James Backus, Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson, Bondage Breakers by Neil Anderson
And read your bible....because if your bible isn't worn out then you probably are.
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