So Grateful!

It's not just the flowers that should be
displayed but the thorns too! Life is
truly a story of both.

Come, let us bow down in worship. Let us get down on our knees before the Lord who made us. For He is our God and we are the people of His field, and the sheep of His hand. Psalm 95:6,7.

Just take a moment to stop and thank God, for surely, things could be worse. Take your focus off the chore or duty right now and even if you have to go hide in the bathroom for a few minutes...just stop to thank God. Don't put it off, don't feel stupid about doing it, just stop and thank God. Trust me...once you start you won't be able to stop! Think about what life would be like if you couldn't see, walk, move, hear, taste, feel....then think of all the goodness in your life.....praise God for a body that is not sick....Then, if you are really courageous, thank Him for all the problems in your life because you know that He will work all things out for good (Romans 8:28)! Even when you can't understand what seems to be a cruel infliction on your life or someone you love....remember that God is the One who loves you in it and through it! But still...focus on the blessings that make your problem easier! Find things all around you to be grateful for and that mind-set will change everything for the better! Don't cover all the goodness in life with a few bad blanket circumstances. Don't be a wall but a window for God and let His light shine through you! 

Fear

Print this picture on white paper, then stare at the
three dots in the middle for
one minute, close your eyes and you will  see the most
incredible picture of Christ appear in your darkness!
Fear not for I am with you. Isaiah 41:10

Fear is such an awful thing, isn't it? Emotions becoming so overwhelming that they affect you physically, mentally and spiritually! Sometimes with reason, such as times we need fear to protect us or warn us from danger, but more often than not, fear is a waste of precious energy! It's very similar to worry, it gives nothing but takes everything, leaving you empty of good things and full of bad energy! I once saw a demonstration of muscle testing where the teacher asked the student to stand straight with arms up and out to the side. When the student was asked to think of a fearful or worrisome thought, their arms were pushed down to their sides with no effort at all! Their own muscles couldn't fight the push of the teacher's fingers against their arms! Then, they were asked to take the same stance and think of a positive and cheerful thought, as hard as the teacher pushed, the students arms could not be pushed down! Our attitude sends instant messages to our bodies nervous and endocrine systems and the reaction happens in micro-seconds to our thoughts!

Every time you stress, worry, experience fear....your body goes into a shock and awe mode against itself which weakens you in a myriad of ways! I also heard a fact from a study that after a time of stress, it's takes the body 9-18 months for the effects of it to manifest in you physically! That's remarkable that God designed our bodies to be able to fight the effects of stress but He also made it clear that stress, negativity, fear, anger, worry....will tear us up in an attempt to eat us alive! I also spoke to a doctor who told me that some people's bodies are weaker and the results of the anxieties will cause severe physical problems, from ulcers to severe life threatening diseases. Fear is the mind taking a situation, exaggerating it to thoughts of what could happen beyond that moment, on to where your heart pounds faster and your breathing patterns change, then to a point where you deprive yourself of oxygen and thus....fear. It all starts in the mind and you can end it in the mind if you would concentrate on your breathing and tell your mind the truth! Sometimes managing fear can save your life.

There are scriptures upon scriptures in the bible regarding fear, and most of them are of an angel or Jesus saying, "Do not fear." This verse in Phillipians 4:6-7 is one of my favorites..."Do not worry (also, do not be fearful). Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need. The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus." A wonderful act of faith on our part would be to memorize this and other scriptures so that we can recall them instantly! What a fantastic way to send our body a positive message rather than a destructive fearful one in a time of need. This next verse I'm going to quote always makes me laugh because it is so ludicrous to me that God would tell me to do this during the most severe of circumstances! Psalm 46:1-3, God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and the mountains fall into the center of the sea, and even if its waters go wild with storm and the mountains shake with its action." Oh, o.k. Lord, I'll certainly take that into consideration when the earth is falling into the sea! God is totally serious about how present He will be when times of disaster come. Are you serious about believing Him?

I'm very experienced with fear for many reasons but I'll just share a few....The earliest memory of fear that I can recall was the morning my mom woke up and had a severe stroke! It would be a long 9 year journey not only for her but for all involved. I was only 4 when it happened and all I knew was that my mom just laid there completely paralyzed, starring at the ceiling with frightened eyes! I didn't feel deep fear till they took her away and I thought she was never going to come back! This long term fear is like an I.V. with a slow drip that keeps you always alert for the next seizure or fall! It felt like I held my breathe for years, just anticipating the next scary event!

My second story of fear is about the weekend I was held captive in the woods and I was raped. I literally had to pretend and play along with the assailant in hopes that I would make it home alive. The doors and windows of the cabin were locked and nailed shut, the phone was torn out of the wall when he caught me trying to call for help and the worse result of it was how he stole my sense of control! I had none, no control at all and that is a horrible feeling when everything around you is OUT of control! My life was threatened over and over as scare tactics like playing chicken with Mac trucks, driving at fast speeds towards cliffs all while being violently screamed at in my face, came like waves of torment for hours! After I broke his hand as he tried to leave me in the desert in the middle of the night, I was eventually thrown out of the car in a very small town that was extremely isolated! I called my sister and she could only get a bus pass out of the small town , so I sat on a bus for 16 hours bleeding, in  pain, and traumatized. That fear stayed with me for many years and it manifested itself in several quirks like never having noise in the house or never having a door or window open. I tried to live a normal life but every aspect was driven by fear and that mind-set held me captive for much longer than the assailant did!

My third story is about the night the Northridge earthquake hit us in the east side of Simi Valley! We were sound asleep when the earth began to pound up and down so violently that the scrape marks from our headboard went 3 feet up the wall! It felt as though a big giant man came and ripped our house off the foundation then shook it like a child shakes a present! Our two french doors came unlatched from the top locks AND the bottom locks which went into the floor and the top of the door frame. I literally saw items from my house and pictures on the wall flying out my bedroom doors. The street lamp up on the hill blew the transformer which looked like fireworks exploding through the dark sky. And all this was happening while the sound of a train coming through your house was screeching in our ears! The event was terrifying but the worse fear was a few days later when I realized that I must not have any peace with God if this event could rock me to the core with fear that left me paralyzed! So, we went back to church and I studied my bible for all the truths I could find that I could combat fear with! The truth literally set me free! That earthquake is one of the best things that ever happened to me! God shook me up and got me right with Him and now I have peace.

Fear can be not only disarming but crippling to someone who doesn't know the truth about God and His mighty power and boundless love! The world is going to get more frightening but you don't have to become more frightened. If you study God's loving Word,  join a nice church and spend time close to God then He will draw near to you. His peace and truth will be your shield and you will not have to be a victim to all the fear that the world has to offer. Also, are you positive where you are going to go after you die? I am. That thought alone can cause tremendous subconscious fear that can effect you like dripping water corrodes what it pounds on. It's not by good works or being a nice person that we enter God's kingdom, it's only through the spilt blood of His Son Jesus! Inviting Him into your heart and accepting His gift of pardon is all you have to do. Just believe in Him and what He did for you on the cross and your eternal destiny will be Heaven!

Fear will always be a part of our existence but it doesn't have to run, rule or ruin our lives! Trust me, God's Word will be your sword that will annihilate the enemy! When Jesus was in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no food and Satan came to temp Him, it was The Word that Christ used to take down His enemy! We don't have to live frightened weak lives and feel afraid IF we have Jesus! Another bible verse that I quote often is, 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind." Also Proverbs 3:25,26, "Do not be afraid of fear that comes all at once. And do not be afraid of the storm of the sinful when it comes. For the Lord will be your trust. He will keep your foot from being caught." There are thousands of verses in the bible that are powerful like these and they're there for the picking! These words from God comfort me, they get me through by bringing me joy, hope, confidence in the Lord and the peace of knowing that He is in control when everything seems to be out of control! In the book of Peter, God offers to trade His peace for your anxiety! That is so loving and amazing that it makes me feel like a child who has the best dad ever!

This world comes at us fast, especially with all the technology that can carry bad news at the speed of light to such a huge populous! Bird flu, Mad cow, terror plots, civil unrest....are just to mention a few but if someone doesn't have Christ to comfort them, then I don't know how they will function if any of it becomes a reality for them! We have fear of death, success, failure, commitment, phobias by the hundreds, fear of pain, loss, loosing control, darkness, eery sounds..... it goes on forever! Until we see God as bigger and stronger than all those things then we will remain prisoners to fear! I used to freak out over everything but now it happens rarely because I have surrendered to God and I finally sat still with Him till I got to know Him. I let the fear drive me to His feet but I stayed and fell in love with Him! Stop trying to do life all on your own or pretending that having a relationship with God can wait! Satan can't convince you that there isn't a God because the evidence of Him is all around us in nature! But, the enemy can convince you that there is no hurry to have a relationship with Him! I have some scary things that are on the horizon but I know that God knows about them and that He will take care of them no matter what happens. If I can't change it then I try not to dwell on it. I just ask my Savior to save me :)

So, dear friends...as it says in Romans 8:15, You should not act like people who are owned by someone (or some thing, ie: fear...). They are always afraid. Instead, the Holy Spirit makes us sons and daughters, and we can call to Him.... "My Father."  Just close your eyes right now and picture yourself with arms reaching out and up, and saying, "Father, hold me and speak to me Your truths." Then, your Father, the God of all creation, reaches down and pulls you up to His chest, puts His hand on the back of your head as He prods you to rest it against His beating heart. In a deep calm voice He whispers in your ear, "My peace I give to you". You then sense His mighty wing of protection cover you like a child under his blanket and His warm hand rests on your back as He gently holds you. Now, picture your worries and fears trying to get at you while you lie in the arms of not only The Almighty God of the Universe but your Heavenly Dad! Do you see now, how safe you are, all your worries, fears and anxieties have no power over a child of God! No matter what your circumstance is, you can choose to be afraid or you can choose to feel safe, knowing that God will see you through. It is really a choice, we all have an option when it comes to fear, as to where we will let our minds go when times of trouble come our way. God promises that at the moment you need it, His grace will be sufficient to meet all your needs, 2 Corinthians 12:9. I've come to believe Him.

Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you."

Romans 8:37 But we have power over all these things through Jesus who loves us so much! For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God!

1 John 4:18 Perfect love drives out fear.

Sounds of Silence

See God in a flower.

Here I am in Southern California on a bright sunny day with crisp air and an ocean breeze carrying it's salty perfume through the air! It sounds so perfect and enjoyable yet my spirit within me is restless and lonely. My husband is gone at work, my best friend is at work, my sisters have gone back to their homes and no one is answering their phone. I'm lonely.

As I did my morning chores and struggled with the thoughts in my head of how wonderful this day could be if only I had someone to share it with, I finally relented, put on some soft instrumental music and sat down to read my daily devotional. The scripture for the day was, "He (Jesus) went on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone." A sense of His presence came over me as I softly whispered to Him, "I'm alone too Lord." As I read on it encouraged me to sit alone with Him for awhile and just let His presence soak into me. The sound of the ethereal music and the stillness of the moment covered me with peace and a feeling of abiding. I didn't feel alone anymore and I could hear His sweet Spirit speaking to my soul....Deep calling unto deep.

My mind went on a journey, seeing scenarios from my past juxtaposed to how I was feeling at the moment. It has been these times, the times of loneliness and solitude, where all choices have been denied me that I've grown the most because He allowed circumstances to force me to settle at His feet. Rather than fight these times, I have come to a place where I surrender to Him more quickly and find His peace rather than just busying myself with distractions. I saw myself as an onion with many layers and each layer was an issue in my life that God wanted to peel away. Each layer brought tears and a sense of tearing away. I had wrapped myself in layers of what I thought were blankets of protection but in actuality were layers of isolation! I had built a labyrinth of complex stratum around my soul that kept me from knowing love and life the way God wanted me to! His act of using my time of isolation was Him rescuing me from perdition!

Each event that has happened in my life, God has been intimately there to work it out for the good! If left to my own desires I would be out and about busying myself with anything except dealing with the layers that were suffocating me! God loves us so much that He will deny us our own desires at times to get us to slow down and let Him peel us one layer at a time. This process wouldn't be so miserable for us if we would just surrender to Him voluntarily but our spirits of rebellion and distrust put Him in a position that He must step in to save us from ourselves! We see the trials as times we cry out for deliverance from, but the trials are a blessed place that He takes us so that we can see His mighty love at work!

Each time my loneliness brings me to my knees is another opportunity for me to allow God to take another layer of my insulation from the pain of life off! We all fear those times because we relate them to times of pain and despair but those times can be magnificent and bounteous to our souls and lives! God wants more for us than just existing, He wants us to have freedom! Freedom to live without fear, freedom to know peace rather than anxiety and misery! I know what it's like to have the appearance of joy and happiness but inside the anguish and perplexities are so overwhelming that you feel like you're drowning! We are drowning ourselves in layers of heavy issues that we can't seem to find the courage to unravel ourselves. Most of the time we may know the gist of some of our issues but God can see the deep damage and crippling effects they have on our whole being! We have to trust Him and anything short of that, God sees as a hindrance to His longing to love and heal us!

If you dare....go and sit alone with your God and just start by being silent. Your mind will start to bring issues up and at that point you can begin to talk to God about your pain and how the layers you have wrapped around you have kept you a prisoner to your fears rather than protected you as you thought they would have. Ask Him to just love you and to help you to continue to come to Him with full knowledge of His love for you and the truth that there is no condemnation in Him. You will find that He is not a rigid and angry God but simply your Savior who longs to spend time with you and bring you freedom! Change the way you think about times of trouble, as that is exactly when God is in it with you to not only get you through but to make you stronger and more at peace because of it. He loves us so much!

This day had the potential of being a very sad and lonely day but because I made "one right choice" to go and sit with my Jesus....it turned out be be a lovely day, filled with all His goodness that He had for me! He took my loneliness and used it to work everything out for good!

Psalm 42:7  Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterspouts. All your waves and billows have gone over me.

Romans 8:1 There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Romans 8:26,27 And in the same way...by our faith...the Holy Spirit helps us with our daily problems and in our praying. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how to pray as we should; but the Holy Spirit prays for us with such feeling that it cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows, of course, what the Spirit is saying as he pleads for us in harmony with God's own will. And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into His plans.

Try using the time that you are washing the dishes or sitting at a stop light to talk to God. 

More Valleys Than Mountains

This post is dedicated to my brother Kenny who is a silent servant of the Lord. His acts of kindness are  never boasted about but are seen like trees along the path of his life! He has humbled himself before his God, served his fellow man, loved his family and survived cancer.....no more could be asked of a man. I raised my son to model his life after by brother as far as character, service, responsibility, love of family....and my son.... I can proudly say stands with the men I admire most....My father, brother and my husband. Thanks to my brother's example of love in action, the lives of many have been touched and changed. He is a remarkable man.

More Valleys Than Mountains

Valleys are just mountains turned upside down. Ken Armes (my brother)

Only a person who has experienced the good and the bad of life can see the magnificence of the valley! Everyone wants the mountain top exhilaration but it's in the valley where all the life is going on. This is a topic that can be seen from many different aspects and one such view point would be from the mountain climber. He sees the treacherous climb to the summit as a dangerous yet exciting journey that will bring him to the pinnacle of one of his greatest achievements. Another would be a geologist who sees the mountain as a plethora of research and knowledge! A rescuer sees it as a mission field to save a life and a skier may see it as a spectacular moment to capture! Most people live for the mountain top "high" but the biggest problem is that you cannot live on the peak of a mountain forever! The "high" must always end and the descent to the valley can be deflating and depressing.

This just happened to one of my loved ones...her mountain top experience was so exciting, so dream-fulfilling that when it ended, she crashed! While she was engrossed in the dream experience her adrenaline levels were through the roof from all the excitement! When that happens we tend to survive on what are really "flight or fight" hormones that are meant to sustain us through a difficult situation. We live in such a high anxiety society that we tap into this storehouse of adrenaline for many other reasons than what they were intended for, thus, the crashes in life take us on a zip cord straight to the valley with no adjustment period! The crash is usually severe because the adrenaline kept us from slowing down enough to make wise decisions during the time of stress and anxiety. We forget to eat properly or eat at all, we don't hydrate or rest enough and the final crash ends up not only being emotional but physical as well!

I am finding that as I get older and wiser, I'm more aware of this cycle so I try to maintain a level of wisdom and alertness through stressful times. It doesn't work all the time (yet:) but each year I'm getting better at it and it makes the world of difference! The metaphor of going on a mountain climbing expedition can be anything from setting up an event, participating in an event, going out of your comfort zone to serve in a social capacity to taking a trip or having guests for the weekend! Try starting your journey up the mountain by first preparing what you will need. If you're going to be away from home then take snacks, water, a small pillow for power naps, an Ipod to play restful music to block out noise for awhile... If you are nervous about receiving guests at your home, then plan to lay out boundaries for yourself such as sleep times, rest times, going out for some meals rather than trying to do everything yourself... Most people crash back into the valley because they didn't start the trip by being  prepared mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually!

The other sad thing about crashing back into the valley is it's such a shame to arrive back so exhausted and disoriented! The valley's of life are really gorgeous, restful yet adventurous places to experience so much life in! My husband and I can attest to that because we go to the High Eastern Sierra's every year to hike and enjoy nature! I find that the beauty of the mountain for me is viewing it from a distance! I can stand in a valley with beauty all around me and look up at a mountain with awe and wonder! We hike and climb but never to the peaks of the distant towering mountain tops. That's for the more adventurous thrill seekers who chase the dragon by elevating their challenges constantly to try and keep the buzz going! If someone can't find peace in stillness, then all their thrill seeking is just busyness to avoid the deeper aspects of life in the valley.

The mountains have views that can inspire us and our souls for years but the valleys are the home to the living. Humans settle in valleys not on mountain peaks, animals hunt, rest, drink from the streams and play in the meadows. The butterfly's and bee's inhabit the fields while the birds and tiny critters dance from flowers to trees! Creeks babble, winds whistle through the tall grass, the sunshine and the moon rest their glows upon the open earth! The valley is the place of life! It's not a place to fear or avoid because you think it's only a quiet and still prison that holds you down from the distractions of the mountain! The valley is where everything has a time and a season, winter's rest, spring's renewal, summer's new growth and autumn's exfoliation. This culture we live in has delineated what we see as real life versus boredom! It has brain washed us to think that if we are not busy and exhausted from climbing to get to the top of the mountain so we can "feel" good, then we are just "stuck" in the boring valley! This couldn't be more false!

It's time to change the paradigm of how we see life! Personally, I have been in a valley for a few years now and the old me hated it here! I was angry, bored, bitter, resentful and I was NOT going to give in or even try to see if the valley had anything good to offer me! I was wrong! The Lord kept me here till I fell in love with it and I saw all His goodness rather than just sitting with my arms crossed and stubbornly fighting all the wonder that He wanted me to see! The valley is home....and for the first time I know peace! I still travel to the mountains every so often but I make sure that I prepare for the journey so I can return whole and not half full or empty! Don't be fooled by this world and it's "shiny" sparkles on the mountain, those sparkles are little treasures that if we want to reach for a few, then that's great, but don't let them steal your true joy or real peace that you will have in the valley! The world has told you that the valley is a place to crash and also a place you will want to get out of, but if you truly open your eyes and look around with an open heart, you will see that isn't true at all.

Hearing that life will have more valleys than mountains used to be a very depressing thought but not anymore! I've learned to live more like a wave through the middle of life than like a seismic quake reading with its sharp ups and downs! That kind of living will not only wear your body out but your emotions will rule you to the point of despair! Find your peace with God, live life in the valley's He takes you to, see all the wonders around you and travel the mountain wisely. Ascending with proper provisions and descending slowly so as to adapt back to the valley without crashing. Life can throw a lot at you whether you are in the valley or on the mountain...cancer, loss, challenges......but try not to see it as life should be a choice between a mountain top experience OR a trip to the valley. Life is life and it happens everywhere, so find your peace exactly where you are.

Isaiah 57:19 "Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near," says the Lord...

Collossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ have power over your hearts. You were chosen as a part of His body. Always be thankful!

Phillipians 4:7 The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 32:17 The work of being right and good will give peace. From the right and good work will come quiet trust forever.

Psalm 37:37 Look at the man without blame. And watch the man who is right and good. For the man of peace will have much family to follow him.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 May the Lord of peace give you His peace at all times.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give peace to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.

Psalm 85:8 I will listen to what God the Lord will say. For He will speak peace to His people, to those who are right with Him.

The You Before You

Yesterday..... myself, my two sisters and my bf (who we call lil sis), did our annual celebration for my birthday by going to the mall and having our Hot Dog on a Stick with lemonade along with a day of shopping! It's just a goofy ritual we do every year, it brings us together and we just laugh and have fun all day! By the time I got home I was exhausted but the memories will forever be in my mind and available to recall whenever I need them!

I often wonder who originally owned some of
the vintage items I've aquired and what
those women were like! Wouldn't it be
facinationg to be able to bring them
to your home now and hear their stories
of when or how they got the hand held mirrors
or the colorful velvet flowered hats!

This morning I was talking on the phone with my sister Nikki and as one thing led to another, I had a profound thought. We were talking about when we were younger and she was recalling her years as a nurse at UCLA and how she would work the night shift and her husband was just getting started in the film business. As she was talking I realized how people and our children only know us by what they see now and they have no idea of how we got to be who we are! Each of us has a long story about our lives and it so complex and truly interesting yet it's only who we are now that we are known by.

When I was at the mall a met a few strangers that I engaged in conversation, and in looking back while writing this story I realize that by me taking the time to talk with them that I actually saw a deeper piece of their soul and whether they realize it or not, I will forever have that knowledge of them as people! One man was sitting on a couch at the mall with his son, they looked like they were from India and his son appeared to be mentally challenged, the man had gloves on with a scarf, so I asked him why he was so bundled up. He told me that he has pain in his hands and body and the warmth relieves some of his pain. As I continued to talk with him we realized we both had very similar pain that we dealt with such as the sharp pain that radiates around our thumbs. We empathized with each other and we also laughed about a few things. My first impressions of them were immediately dismissed as soon as I got to know them but I can't help but think of the deeper story they both could have shared with me if we had more time!

Later in the day I saw this woman who was older (later found out she was 80 years old), she was gorgeous! Upon first noticing her I thought...I hope I look like her when I get older! So, of course I struck up a conversation with her by telling her how beautiful she was and how I loved her style! Her soft tousled loose curls were pulled up like a Katherine Hepburn hair style and her accessories were classy yet funky! As we talked she told me that she really missed looking youthful because her spirit was still young but it didn't match how she looked on the outside. I could totally relate since I felt a similar regret that my youth was something in the past that could never be retrieved again but we went on to talk about finding peace with exactly where we were at right now and how to be the best we can be right in the moment! I'm glad I engaged her in conversation because it felt nice to be able to share a bit of our souls with each other.

How profound is it that our children or grand-children only know who we are now! They don't know that we had lives apart from them or that we set a lot of who we were aside to give them the mommies in us. As I spoke to my sister this morning it became such a clear epiphany that my son, daughter in law, her sons or daughter in laws...have no idea of who my sister used to be! No idea at all! They only know her as mom or grandma and as we grow older and our families grow, the women we used to be get buried alive under duties and obligations.

Will my grand-daughter's daughter ever know
that her mom was an excentric little girl with
a sense of imagination that went to the stars and
back! Will she ever know how she danced
without inhibitions and sang sweet songs to
comfort others? I hope so!

We can become the women we mature into without loosing the women we once were, and we can do it creatively! We can also slow ourselves down a bit to stop and get to know another person a little deeper! Just complimenting someone will give you that opening and we all know how good a compliment feels! The simple act of acknowledging someone can make their whole day! We all have "who we used to be" still in us and to just be able to share with your own child or your grand-children that you used to be a dancer or the life of the party or even a closet dreamer or a person who served humbly and quietly. That will enrich their knowledge of you and allow them to know a more complex and interesting you. It can inspire them in ways you'll never know as they process it for themselves and incorporate the new information into your profile that they store in their hearts!

Who you were before who you are, is an exciting and integral part of the whole you and it should never be buried under duties but shared proudly! We have wisdom and exciting stories that would bless our children and their children and their children! And equally as important is to engage others, to hear their stories, and those temporary moments with them can be blessings for all parties involved! I don't think the man at the mall with the handicapped son ever thought that someone would care about his pain or empathize with him that day. I'm also positive that he never, in a million years would have dreamed that he would be written about in a blog post for all the world to read! From the pain that the man in the mall suffers with, to finding your inner child and celebrating them, there is wonder, purpose, excitement, love, caring and grace in it all! Share yourself and invite others to share with you....we all have something inside that's special and of worth! In a world that has become so polarized by titles, let's go deeper as humans and blur that line with acts of interest and sharing!

The "Old you" is a part of the "New you", so interview yourself frequently and extract those insights to create an inner scrapbook of how you came to where you are now! Add to it the stories you hear from others and you will find that as you age, your conversations don't have to be about Medicare, Dr. appointments or constant complaining....but you can have exciting stories that will make people want to be around you and you may even start enjoying your own company too! Reach in and reach out in your own special way and you will find many hidden and buried treasures that will enrich your life and the lives of others!

Life not Hell      By Dee Hartmann

There was a sea I sailed, till upon land I finally came;
I built a life upon the sand, but missed the storms and rain!

The tossing of the waves, made my journey one of life;
Now living on the sand, I tend to miss the strife.

The strife my friend made life, a story worth to tell;
The quandary's, trials and challenges,
Was part of life not hell.

Life upon the sand, seems monotonous and dull;
I miss my life upon the seas, the stories I could tell!

The answer lies not in, returning to the sea;
but telling others of, the adventures that lie in me!

We share our stories on the sand,
Old ways no longer we demand;

No need to ride the waves at sea,
The waves now live their life through me!

No Other Fount I Know

What is bigger.....your problem or your God? This fountain inspired a visual for me that I can call upon whenever I need to ask that question! All of life happens upon the mighty rock of God's love and from that source His love is drawn up through our life and spills over every aspect, whether burden or joy. This fountain represents the pool, the rock, the source of all we need, God! Our life feels like burden after burden sometimes and the boulders just pile up the pressure on us! We must know, once and for all that everything that happens in our life, happens upon Him and He will be all that we need, He will be our source of endless supply! What we may now look at as an immense burden, will through faith, become a monument to God's mighty work in our life! David had this attitude when he went before Goliath, he saw how big his God was....NOT how big his problem was! I love this picture of the fountain and how it has become a symbol for me of God being my portion forever, an immovable rock, a source that will never run dry! As you go on your way this week, make it a fun project to see God in everything! From the moon and the stars to the tiny cells that produce energy and life...He is in it!

Special People, Phillis, Lyle and Sue

I've decided that I'm going to do a post every so often that features Special People! You know those people that just make your day because they're just cute, fun, sympathetic, empathedic, friendly, cheerful and just plain nice! I meet those people every so often and this is my way of thanking them for being special and making my day special!

Phyllis

This is Phyllis at the Tree House Restaurant located in the Best Western, Pepper Tree Inn on State Street in Santa Barbara, off the La Cumbra exit from the 101. I liked Phyllis the minute I walked in! Everyone who was coming in or leaving was yelling out, "See ya Phyllis!" or Hey Phyllis, How are you?" and she was calling everyone, Honey and Darlin.... I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE THIS! There she was all done up with every accessory PINK and just looking like a sweetheart!

Lyle before he gave
me a big smile

Problem was though that we didn't get Phyllis as our server! A gentleman walked up to take our order (nice guy), but I wanted Phyllis and I said to this man, "How come we aren't getting her?"  He looked like he couldn't believe I said that but he took our order and he was quiet but nice. Well, later on, Phillis and I were yaking away and I started to joke with the gentleman who's name was Lyle and I got him laughing while I was taking pictures of them for my blog. The first pic of Lyle, he just kind of scoweled at me, then I told him to give me a smile and he did (because I threatened him, haha:). By the time my husband and I left we were all laughing and joking! So I've chosen Phyliss and Lyle as two of my Special People of the week!

Sue from Joann Fabrics

This is Sue. I was out with my BF a few days later and we went to Joann Fabrics in Oxnard, Ca, on Rose Avenue to get some fabric. Usually we are in there forever but we ran so many errands that day that we were tired and getting grumpy. As we checked out, Sue was just a doll! Her smile was from ear to ear and she was soooo funny and nice that we forgot we were tired! The girls in there are really nice but that day we needed Sue because her personal touch and happy spirit made us happy!

Keep your eyes pealed for Special People and don't forget to tell them that you appreciate them! Most people are like dry toast but every so often you have the honor to meet the one's that have jelly on them and they can really change a bad day into a good one if you let them! I adore people like this and I've made it a habit that if I think something nice about someone I try to to tell them. Everyone needs emotional hugs and our attitudes and words can change someone's day from bad or ordinary to exceptional and special just like those Special People do for us! 

Pride

My name is Pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you of your God-given destiny because you demand your own way. I cheat you of contentment, because you think you deserve "better than this." I cheat you of knowledge, because you already know it all. I cheat you of healing, because you're too full of anger to forgive. I cheat you of holiness, because you refuse to admit when you're wrong. I cheat you of vision, because you'd rather look at yourself in a mirror than look out a window. I cheat you of genuine friendship, because nobody's going to know the real you. I cheat you of love, because real romance demands sacrifice. I cheat you of greatness in heaven, because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth. I cheat you of God's glory, because I convince you to seek your own. My name is Pride, I am a cheater and you like me because you always think I'm looking out for you but that's not true, I'm looking to make a fool out of you. God has so much for you, but don't worry...if you stick with me....you'll never know any of it!

Excerpt from Beth Moore's book, "Get out of that PIT"

Girls of Summer

This a poem I wrote for The Fab Five, which is five of us that have been friends for 35 years!

There are those special kind of summers, that never leave your soul;
Summer nights with fires bright and days the suns extolled.

Nights where stars fell in our laps, warm breezes combed our hair;
Friends whose hearts sparked into flames, deep thoughts so often shared.

How summer blessed our friendships, forming sacred bonds;
The dew of tears, whether joy or pain, unfolded youthful fronds.

We used to dance around the fire, now contently we sit;
Years have changed our flawless flesh, though souls still sinc and fit.

We'll always be the girls of summer, so, we've changed our dance for naps;
There are many more seasons in us, for letting stars fall in our laps.

Markers

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, I'm just bored so I can see more, I'm spending more time with God or I'm just a genius (haha) but I'm betting that it's that I'm spending more time with God that these pieces of clear wisdom are coming to me. This morning as I was doing my daily routine it dawned on me the difference between my bad habit routines and my good habit routines. I started weight watchers last week and I am eating so healthy and I have this awareness of what I'm consuming! My old bad habits that I chose to exercise, because I was trying to cover up my emotions, were such a reflection of my inner turmoil! Now, my choices are lighter, healthier and more hopeful, which is reflecting my new attitude of looking ahead rather than at my current situation.

As I was doing some of my new habits, such as fruit in the morning, I thought...There are different markers that we set up through our day! The depressed and hopeless me would eat pastry for breakfast and as I was eating it my mind would be saying, "Who cares, what's the difference, Why bother...." but the hopeful me is changing that inner dialog to, "I care!, This is going to make a difference!, I'm bothering to do this because I'm going to feel so much better!" I was a self-pity monster before and I only hurt myself! All the whining, bad choices and victim mind-sets did not stop the results of those choices! No one is going to live your life for you, only YOU can do that! Each day boils down to two things...will we choose to be moving forward or backward? There is no stagnant! Doing nothing is going backwards and that choice has so many consequences that will build up like barnacles on a boat! Choosing to move forward means the build up of the past is behind you and only hope lies ahead!

What kind of markers do we want to choose for our days? Well, the best marker for your day would be your first marker, how you choose to start your day. Although, if that doesn't go as planned you can choose to get back on track at anytime through your day! For me, choosing to eat my fruit in the morning sets a marker for my day. I may also plan out my daily menu or make a reasonable list of exactly what I want to accomplish that day. Taking my vitamins or stretching are good markers for me too because I like to do at least the things that I know are right and good even if my day isn't necessarily a good one. The markers are like little monuments that you build so you can look back on your time and have evidence of your good choices!

My husband and I both have this silly habit of not only making lists for everything but if we do something that's not on the list, we write it down and cross it off just so we can "see" the accomplishment! That's a marker! Anything that you recognize as positive should be a marker in your day, whether it be a smile that you shared or an act of service to a person or animal. Saying prayers, feeding your family healthy foods, and sometimes it could be something as simple as just deciding to sit up in bed rather than lying down or choosing to brush your teeth or do the dishes. Every one's markers will be different because they are so personal and by just deciding to be aware of them, our lives will change and move forward!

Last month I sat here and said, "I feel so helpless and hopeless, there has to be SOMETHING that I can do that will reverse this course I'm on!" I mean, seriously, trapped at home with no car, depressed with horrible physical pain and no options! Come oooon! But, after month's of trying the "pity party" to see if someone loved me enough (even God), that they would come and rescue me, I discovered that it is only ourselves that can change things. I still don't have a car, I live with pain but I chose to change what I could and that was my attitude, which in turn extinguished my depression. Choosing to address that issue was a statement of faith in action, which set a marker of hope for me! I plan on continuing to set healthy markers daily until they connect into a new lifestyle for me. God couldn't use me the way I had become, so the time I spent in the desert was a blessing. I'm the one who determined how long the desert stay would be since I chose to be stubborn and rebellious for quite a while! Well, I wore myself out and now God has me on a road to recovery so that I can be restored into a sharp and useful tool in His hands! That is why we're here you know!

Note: Keeping mental markers is fine but if you journal them, then you will visually see your life change and that is most encouraging! Try folding a piece of paper in half and writing each day your good markers on one side and your bad markers on the other side. A visual of your day will have a profound effect! We are not aware of it, but we do many more wonderful things in a day than not wonderful things yet, how often do we just focus on the few mistakes and not on all the good! Writing them all down, at least for a few days or awhile will show you where you need to make changes and it will also allow you to see that you really are a good marker yourself :)

Advised reading: Living a Beautiful Life by Alexandra Stoddard and her other book is Living Beautifully Together. She is one of my favorite authors! She has written many books and her insights as far as creating rituals, decorating not just your surroundings but your life and wisdom on living an orderly and peaceful life have blessed me throughout my life! I find her books interactive, fun and knowledgable....you can pick one up and look under her grace notes and you will find inspiration that will get you right out of your chair and creating!

Mosaic

I was explaining to my husband the other night how I've been feeling emotionally the last five years. I told him that I felt like I used to be a two sided mirror that reflected not only me but also God and the people around me. My life felt three dimensional and manageable. The last five years though have spiraled me into feeling like circumstances have tossed that mirror up in the air and upon landing, I smashed into a zillion pieces! It's as though any hope of putting myself back together is impossible! My memories are vague of how I used to be and that scared me to death! Then I realized (after 5 long years) that that is exactly what God wanted! It's not a disaster but a blessing, and God is in it to redesign me into something better!

Oh, how we fear change or the exposure of our fears, not just being revealed to others but being revealed to ourselves! This morning my friend and I were talking about just this and we concluded that we all dig our own holes. It may be circumstances out of our control that come along but what and how we deal with them determines how deep our holes become. "I" chose to react to my situations in a way that dug my hole even deeper, I chose to see my shattered life as broken rather than pieces of beautiful glass that God could rearrange into a fascinating mosaic that would bring new and exciting prisms to my life and to others! It's becoming so clear to me that God is not the one who destroys life but the one who takes our brokenness and puts us back together in a more perfect way!

The other day I was sitting on the couch recovering from my cold and feeling crumby. I said a quick prayer and asked God to show me His presence in my suffering and I kid you not, at that moment the sun beamed through my back shutters and hit this cut glass vase that I have and the entire room lit up like a disco ball! Tiny spots of light were all over the room because the sun not only hit one side of the vase but it pierced through and displayed a 360 degree light show! That has never happened before and I haven't seen it since! The sun, the shutters, the vase....were all perfectly aligned and God was in it! The pieces of glass were once a beautiful sheet that through brokenness became something more beautiful and magnificent! I usually take pictures of things like that but I was frozen in amazement and surrounded by Gods unexpected gift, I just sat and stared until it slowly disappeared.

Try to see your brokenness through this new prism of wisdom and truth! God will get you through your pain not over it and a new and more incredible you will emerge from the broken pieces! Yes, we may have dug ourselves some holes but try to see the journey of getting out of them as a gift and an adventure rather than a messy and unwanted task. Earthly light is sometimes blocked out by our being so deep under our messes but God's light can reflect and shine even in the darkness! Messy holes, broken glass, whatever state you are in....God can make it into a garden or a cut glass mosaic and you will find more joy in being a piece of His art than if you just choose to curl up and give up. Perfection is for heaven, making art from brokenness is what this time on earth is all about if you will just trust Him.

Psalm 37:39 But the saving of those who are right with God is from the Lord. He is their strength in times of trouble!

Psalm 146:8 ...The Lord raises up those who are brought down...

Psalm 71:20 You have shown me many troubles of all kinds, but, you will make me strong again. And you will bring me up again from deep in the earth.

Psalm 73:26 My body and my heart may grow weak, but God is the strength of my heart and all I need forever.

Psalm 42:11 Why are you sad, oh my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my help and my God!

Psalm 22:24 For He has not turned away from the suffering of the one in pain or trouble. He has not hidden His face from him, but He has heard his cry for help.

Suggested readings: The Book of Psalms (found in the center of your bible), Getting out of the Pit by Beth Moore, or any of her books! 

The Main Thing

Peaceful

Since I've been home from my New England visit I've had a lot of time to think. Also, the last few days I've spend time with my dear friend and we talked out many thoughts to the point of being able to see the main thing that oversees all the other problems in our lives. It truly has been an epiphany for me and it has opened up a whole new paradigm for me to focus on with prayer and thought. This new insight was a gift from God, that  in retrospect, I can see Him laying out before me these past few months (even years).

All the problems that we face in life can be overwhelming and daunting to the point of despair sometimes. In the past I have always evaluated my problems by going deeper and trying to see why they are issues that continually keep arising. My mistake was looking deeper rather than higher! Looking deeper is good sometimes when we are exploring emotions that have been cemented in us by past experiences but looking higher is more of a systematic approach to problems rather than an emotional one. God wants us to have a spirit of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7), and when we muck things up with emotions, that can rob us of all those good things!

There is a time to look deep within and a time to look up and away from the gooey aspects of a situation. What I just learned is a great example of this theory and how changing our view can realign our mind and allow it more peace by focusing on the main thing.  What is the main thing? It's the track the train is on, the course the ship is heading on, the top priority.....it's the one thing in your life that if it goes awry then everything else falls. If a train goes off the track then the number one objective is to get it back on the track! The train can't deliver it's goods or sell it's services if it's not on the track! Being on the track is it's first priority and without it on the track it can't serve the passengers or the companies that have freight aboard, which  means the railroad will have no income and that will cause several other problems on top of being derailed! Also, what happens when a storm takes a ship off it's course? The captains first priority is to get back on course as soon as possible and nothing below that priority will be of any concern unless the ship is recalculated back onto its course! Apart from it's course the ship cannot deliver its cargo or passengers which will again, cause a list of other problems to the shipping company.

I'm assuming that we all agree that God comes first because that's where our life and wisdom come from.The storms of life are real and they demand real solutions, they will always come and use all their force to derail you or get you in uncharted waters so as to create a dismantling or domino effect on your life. And so it goes with us personally as it does for the business owners of the trains or ships, if we don't look up to the main thing and keep it on course or on track, then the rest will just begin to fall a part! Not doing the main thing, whatever it may be in your own situation and life, will just cause collateral damage! That's where our major stresses come from because instead of having one issue to keep on track, you end up with a mess of problems all around you!

The train, the ship and our lives are all vehicles that take us somewhere and they all lead to something! The question is....do you have the main thing right so your life can have peace, order and a positive goal? God showed me during this time of being laid up with a cold what mine and my husband's main things were! We were focusing on all the negative results of not being on track rather than just being on track, and it all boiled down to rebellion! Our hearts and minds were angry at the circumstances going on in our lives and we rebelled with pride by not hurting others but by hurting ourselves, just like a child would do. Children will hurt themselves or make their lives completely miserable with the sole objective to hurt the parent. Well, we do the same thing with God, sometimes consciously but most of the time unconsciously.

My husband was angry at God deep down about these difficult economic times and all the responsibility he has had to carry in regards to caring for his elderly mom, handicapped brother and even me with my health issues that are as scary to him as they are to me! By not committing himself to the basic steps of salesmanship regarding his job he was only hurting himself and us, not God. God just waits in love for us to wear ourselves out and surrender to His way which is light and easy. God wants us to stop wasting all our energy on being mad or resentful deep down and just release all that so we can be doing the main thing. If my husband just gets up early, dresses in his work clothes first thing, then he is poised for a successful day! When his resentment ruled, he would fight doing the first right thing, the main thing, and everything else suffered. His rebellion only hurt himself. Now that we discussed this epiphany, he knows that if he does the right morning ritual and goes and makes his 20 cold calls for the day then business is generated and we don't have the other collateral problems because he is making a living and able to take care of all the things that fall below that main thing!

My downfall was my emotional eating which has resulted in a 50 lb. weight gain over the last few years. Because I wasn't doing the main thing for me, which is being accountable daily to God for my inner emotions, I found myself burying my problems under gluttony! I thought I was dealing with the issues in my life fairly well but what I was actually doing was avoiding my emotions and substituting reality with food! I gave up hope and I was just existing by going through the daily motions like a zombie while devouring comfort foods! I could actually feel terror and anger sometimes when I ate and it felt as though I was taking my frustrations out on the food. I found food comforting at times yet I also found it to be a way to punish all the pain! By not doing the main thing I dug a deep hole which I now have to climb out of! The collateral damage I caused by my bad choices regarding my eating are all around me (literally)! I'm physically uncomfortable, my joints hurt, my breathing is more difficult, I feel obese and unattractive, and because I held in so many bad feelings, my health has suffered tremendously. If I had just done the main thing and took my feelings to the throne of God every day and monitored my eating by making healthy moderate choices, then I wouldn't be having to deal with all the "other" issues that now need strict attention and commitment. I acted like an angry stubborn child, thinking that by hurting myself that somehow the universe or someone would rescue me and deliver me. I couldn't have been more wrong and now I see things quite differently, thank God!

A content moment in the sun.

Acting like angry, entitled, spoiled children, whether in outward actions, passive aggressive behavior or subconsciously, only causes more problems! An exercise that really helps me get things into perspective quickly is to focus my thoughts on the cross at Calvary. I remind myself that Jesus was falsely accused, tortured and put to death on that cross when he didn't deserve any of that! He suffered all that for us and he never rebelled or got angry at His Father but he surrendered himself as a living sacrifice. Humility rather than a spirit of entitlement or rebellion is how God wants us to live because it is a way of peace and order, full of love and grace. He wants our spirits to be like beautiful meadows not volcano's. Doing the main thing, whether it be surrendering to good work ethics or respecting your body by not punishing it, will trickle down into a life that isn't out of control but one that is set on a steady course. A life of not only inner peace but one of peaceful surrounding too!

Stay connected to The Vine (Jesus), get your main thing on track, then lay your anger, bitterness, entitlements, resentments, pride, rebellion......at the foot of the throne of God and find peace.

Suggested reading: The four gospels in the New testament, Matthew, Mark Luke and John.

The Long Dirt Road

This is a story I wrote years ago but my recent visit back home has made me want to resurrect it!

The Long Dirt Road by D. Armes-Hartmann

My father's house

Along that long dirt road leading to my father's house, my anticipating thoughts would fly! I'm coming home! My brother and my sister's would be there just as sure as my mother would be in the front picture window waiving as we approached. The smell of pine, the sight of hand-made tree tops and silver tinsel, all precious, but of none, yet extreme value. I can still sense the feeling of flannel pressed against me when my father and brother embraced my welcome and the sweet smell of crisp air and cold cheeks as my sister's would reach out the side door to pull me into the warmth of the house. We would all fold each other up in embraces, kisses and smiles and the children acted like they just saw you yesterday, as if time were merely what you spent together, not apart.

Under the safe blanket of my father's house, I would take quiet notice of my surroundings, inside and out. The glow of the old colored bulbs on the tree and how their mere presence would stop you and bring a moment of silence. The tinsel that twizzled by any movement of the air and made it look as if the lights had tripled and danced all on their own! The old handmade foil star that perched itself, yet leaning to the right, at the top of the tree as if saying, "I may be old, but I'm still here and God will be glorified as long as I am!" Outside, the brush cut hedges lined the driveway as if still saluting our arrival. The trees standing bare and solemn, wishing only that their holiday guests could see them when they flourished as green as my inherited eyes in the spring! Their branches would stretch wide after their winter's sleep and arch a calm shade for us to drink lemonade under all summer. And the mystical, beautiful moon, that laid it's lavender sheen of light over the sparkling untouched sheet of snow that covered our hills, boasting colors that didn't even exist!

Me as a baby in front of our Christmas tree.

Home...we were all together...safe, loved, warm. Moments connecting together and emerging like hot popped kernels of corn being collected in a bowl of eternal memories. Memories that would live in our hearts and comfort us no matter where we traveled or resided. What my father's house gave us at Christmas was not plastic gifts or bikes that couldn't be rode till summer, but heart treasures! Like a mirrored mobile that twists and turns with the wind, catching the sun every so often and shooting a blazing light straight to your soul. Those moments would twinkle in our hearts like the colored tree lights against the tinsel and like a projector on a blank screen they would replay all the love and laughter that dwelt in that home at Christmas time. All pettiness and busyness stopped when we turned into that long driveway that led to my father's house, it was like a slice of pie, sweet, special and appreciated. Along that long dirt road leading to my father's house....my warm treasured memories still fly!

The Pink Mug

This is a painting I did. The blue is sadness
and the pink is joy! I love the integration of the
paralleled moods! 

I awoke this morning with my head cold feeling like a bonfire in my face! I can honestly say I have never in my life sneezed this much, over 50 times yesterday and it was a sneeze that woke me up this morning! I'm bummed out because my birthday is tomorrow and I was going to spend the day with my best friend painting some art for our homes on our new canvas' we bought. I also have a ritual with my sisters that we go to the mall and have lunch at Hot Dog on a Stick! I know that sounds strange but we have so much fun and laugh so hard, it is seriously one of my favorite things! Another thing that set me back was I had purposed it in my heart to come back from my N.Y. trip and do everything I could to change the rut that I've been tossed in. Start walking now that it's cooler, get a bike and ride it to the gym, do more social things....Yet, I have returned with my left knee hyper-extending again, my neck seized up, my tail bone injured and a rotten head cold and cough! Seriously!, it feels like life is intent on pushing me backwards! But then...I wouldn't have the time to write if I weren't sequestered to my home and bed right now and I see God in that :)

As I laid in bed, I whimpered a bit about the pain in my head and sinuses and then I remembered the post I wrote yesterday on the blog about the "Small Things" and I made myself listen to my own words! Moment by moment, inch by inch, bite by bite, that's how you do life! Just at that moment, my husband walked in with a cup of coffee for me and I saw that it was in the mug that my sister gave me last time I was really ill. It was a random mug from my collection of beautiful mugs and this morning I needed "that" mug! On it is the Serenity Prayer and on the other side it reads, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next." (Read yesterdays post to understand :)

I LOVE when God is so evident in my moments! It's the days when He wants me to make it through simply by faith that are hard, as we all know. That's a part of maturing in Him and it's necessary for our own good and I accept that. But honestly, wouldn't it be awesome to just have Jesus there all the time in an ever present fashion just like a mom is there for a young child! I'll admit it, I can't wait to be in His presence forever and feel an eternal embrace and an inner fullness every moment! Until then though, I'm grateful for the not so random mug that made it's way into my morning and made me feel loved in so many ways!

The Smallest Things

I wrote this post prior to leaving for my N.Y. vacation.....

The smallest things bring amazement and joy!

I awoke again to breathtaking back pain! I'm scheduled to leave for my vacation to upstate NY and I've been down with this for three days now. I swore that no matter what happened in my life that I was going to take it one day at a time. That's really been helping a lot since I used to carry the past, the future and the current day all at once and not only was I overwhelmed but so were those who had to be around me. One day at a time, is all God wants us to handle. He never said that He would give us strength to carry yesterday or tomorrow, just today, and that is enough! Our burden's become to heavy when we wander outside of God's plan for us. Fear of tomorrow, pain from the past, are places that are over or not here yet and that's why He doesn't want us to go there! There are days though, that I see no redeeming qualities in, and it's days without purpose (at least to me) that are the worst. My isolation and pain seem to make my days look so small and empty that you can't find a crumb of vision in them sometimes. The last two days were just back pain and I couldn't see anything good or positive in them at all. But then, today happened and.....

I had the most wonderful morning, even though I was in physical pain. Within moments of waking up, my phone beeped with a message. That always cheers me up because I know that someone is thinking of me :) It was a comment on one of my posts from my Daughter in law and it was just sweet and touching! Isn't it funny how the smallest thing can mean the world to someone! I chose to thank God immediately for sending me that blessing exactly when He did because it set the tone for my day, and that was a much better tone than the one I was going to use, which was pain and isolation, again! My son and his wife ended up calling me and we had such a wonderful talk about so many things! They are looking forward to seeing me and for the kids to see me and spend time with me! They just recently moved back to the USA from being stationed overseas in Belgium for four years, and North Dakota prior to that. Their story is one full of trials and miracles that most young couples couldn't even begin to understand or deal with, yet they did, with grace and courage.

I am home from N.Y. now...

Well, my back pain lasted up until 2 days before I had to leave! I couldn't do anything because I couldn't bend over! I felt so helpless and I did not want to go because I was in pain and I wasn't ready or packed. I had a few outbursts and complained right up to the morning of my departure. Two hours prior to my flight leaving, I called my niece in Virginia crying because I was so weak and I didn't sleep the night before so I was asking her what I should do. She calmly told me to do what was best for me and that no matter what I decided, she loved me. The comfort of knowing that I had a choice and I wouldn't be persecuted for it really relaxed me and I decided I would just go as far as my body would take me. If it meant turning around in Detroit during my lay over then that's what I would do. Unfortunately (just kidding), my sister was traveling with me and she was not about to travel alone so I guess I just pretended in my mind that I could leave if I wanted to. My sissy just kept plugging along from one point to the next and that's what got me to N.Y.

We arrived pretty late but my brother and sister in law picked us up in her Mary Kay pink Cadillac and we were back to their house by 12:30am. I don't even remember that night after that point. Anyway, the point of my story is that I got to see all my loved ones and especially my son, his wife and my two grand-children! I was in a lot of physical pain but I just kept medicated and went from one point to the next and then to the next, until each experience connected into a journey and each moment filled me up with memories!  My husband always says, "How do you eat an elephant?...One bite at a time!" and the whole time I was away I just kept chanting, "Inch by inch every thing's a cinch!" Every time I'm struggling with my pain, I ask the Lord, "How am I going to get through this?!" and He always says, "One moment at a time my little darling, one moment at a time."

I guess the moral of this story is that you will get out of life exactly how much you take from it. Whether you charge into it with energy or crawl through it in pain, it doesn't matter how you do it. As long as you do it, you will learn, grow, laugh, cry, acquire and give, and that is just life....... one moment at a time.

A Rainbow in the Rain

Sorrow may endure for a night but Joy cometh in the morning!
Psalm 30:5

There is no rhyme or reason to what I write each day. I simply sit and let God speak through me. I never know who it is for or why I'm writing some of it. I only know that, God hears you and He loves you. If the days post doesn't resonate with you, then pray for the person it is for or forward it to someone who may need to hear it. Thank you for being a part of this ministry.

At times I have felt  like I've been buried under a trash heap, but I have come to an absolute certainty that God will not leave His children there if we will just surrender to Him! God's plan for our lives was never to get ourselves buried under such messes, but for too many years I chose my own will over His and I dug my own hole! I can even look back at several situations where He wanted to unearth me and save me but I stubbornly fought His loving attempts and desired to remain exactly where I was! Sometimes it's fear, shame, guilt and I guess sometimes we think we are so unworthy that we don't deserve to be saved. We listen to the lies of the enemy so long and then adopt those lies into our hearts as truths! I'm going to be 53 in a few days and I'm still realizing my worth in Christ! His love is unconditional yet so unfathomable! I've been working on it for a long time, changing my inner dialog and thoughts through the truths in the bible and by just spending time with Jesus. I'll just meditate on His unconditional love until my soul begins to stir and I start to fight my way out of the trash heap of lies! He always thrusts His hand down into it and pulls me out when I call for Him though! I trust God now and I see Him as my deliverer!

This is very personal but I feel God leading me to write about this today. I have struggled most of my life with depression and thoughts of suicide. For years it tormented me but as I've grown and matured in my walk with Christ, those battles have become very diminished. I think right now, being without a car and having so few choices and not much freedom, it has made me have to face the remnants and final stains of those horrible feelings and lies. I've always had health problems, and that on top of all the emotional events in my life made for a toxic mix. I lived in constant fear that someone would discover the brokenness inside me and I would be revealed as not the happy, vibrant, fun person that I acted like but as the girl who walked the tight rope of insanity each day. I can't remember ever exhaling unless I drank alcohol or did drugs, I lived with no peace, ever. I had close encounters with dangerous situations due to my naivety and foolishness and I was the victim of three very scary events and one violent crime. I would need more than two hands to recount the times, that I'm aware of, that God rescued me from death or serious injury. My choices, not God's will is what buried me, but it was His love that searched, found and rescued me! My Creator pursued me because of His great love for me! Not that I earned or deserved it, but just because He loved me!

Years ago I awoke one morning and the dark mental pressure was so heavy upon me, that it proved to be one of the rare days where I could not fight the battle for my life and I was scared. Usually my depression makes me have thoughts of ending my life but I know that I would never do it. I have a strong conviction that suicide is the most selfish act a person could choose to do. I would never put my loved ones through that horror by choosing to escape it myself! I'm not saying that you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself, I'm just saying that it is not fair to your loved ones. No pain is so bad that it would trump the pain you would cause the ones left behind. There would be these rare days though, when I feared I had no power over it and my prayers seemed to be empty echos that I would take as God's rejection. That day I drove aimlessly for hours, contemplating everything I had ever heard about suicide and Heaven! I just wanted the pain to end and I desperately needed God to help me! Finally, I drove to a Christian Book Store and as I roamed around I found myself standing in front of a book shelf asking God to once and for all tell me what to do with my life! I felt my arm lift and my hand reach out for this book right in front of me, I opened it to a random page and this is what it read, "Suicide is self-murder." My first reaction was one of disappointment because I just couldn't live the way I was any longer, with this confusion and sickness. But as I realized that the God of the Universe just spoke directly to me, I stood there and said a silent prayer, "God, give me a book right now that is only about how much you love me and save me Lord." As I opened my eyes, my gaze fell to the left and there was this worn and tattered book entitled, Enjoying God.

Enjoying God?...I thought that's a strange concept, I'm terrified of Him and I don't enjoy Him at all! Am I supposed to be enjoying Him?! Now this was a book store full of only new books, so why this particular book looked like a bear had read it, I don't know, but it drew my eye to it and I bought it. I raced home to hopefully find some hope in this gift that God appeared to have given me. It was as if He sat down with me and let the book be His voice to speak to me! It spoke of His love for us in a way I hadn't heard before and it explained about, The Dark Season of the Soul, which in so many words was about depression, hopelessness and despair. As I read, it felt as if someone unlocked my chains and I emerged from the depths of the sea and took a deep breath of oxygen! I literally could feel my cells unlocking and starting to function! The transfer of despair to hope was like a chain reaction that was setting my body and mind free! God saved me from the pit and rescued me that day, He heard my cries and He Placed me on a new road. A road that led to the base of a mountain. He reached out His hand and said, "Follow Me?" and I just smiled, and I chose Him!

My lifetime of inner turmoil, outer chaos, bad decisions and avoidance of God is not meant to be locked up inside of me in a box of shame! If I choose to do that then I will never be authentic or able to do God's work. Christians are not meant to be perfect, we are meant to be honest story tellers of God's love. Transparency, love, honesty, empathy, truth, compassion and non-judgement are the eyes and heart that God can work through! Shame is a prison and it will suffocate you, so choose God and trust Him that where ever you are He will love you through it and out of it! I was in a trash heap and God pulled me from it, cleaned me and raised me, and now though my sins be as scarlet, He has made me white as snow. Don't be ashamed of your stories of darkness, just share honestly and tell the good news that Jesus Christ washes away sins! He doesn't reject us because of them, He longs for us to throw ourselves into His arms and let Him heal us!

The dark season of the soul is not forever, so don't ever give up. I'm not a joyful, bubbly person inside by nature. I'm actually a very sad and lonely person who holds on to my Savior every moment of every day! Whatever you are going through just remind yourself that, "This too shall pass". Moment by moment seek truth and purpose in your life through Jesus Christ. Don't make a bed for yourself in the trash heap of lies and darkness. Call to your God and He will reach for you. All will be well little one. God is in control even when you feel out of control.

Read Ezekiel 16: 1-14!

Romans 5:6 & 8  You see, at just the right time,when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly....Yes! God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us!

Why should I fear when God's word says, "I, God, have not given you a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind! 2 Timothy 1:7

Why should I accept defeat when the bible says, God always leads me in triumph! 2 Corinthians 2:14

Why should I allow the enemy supremacy over my life when Gods says, "Greater is Me in you than he that is in the world.

Suggested reading for this topic: Praying God's Word by Beth Moore, Enjoying God by S.J. Hill, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, Telling Yourself the Truth by Marie Chapian and James Backus, Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson, Bondage Breakers by Neil Anderson

And read your bible....because if your bible isn't worn out then you probably are.

God's Blanket

My Daughter in Law, Joanna

It all seems like a dream now, hugging my loved ones, playing with my grand-children....I'm back home now. I don't want to write about my trip back to New York right now because I'm in bed sick with some kind of bug. I slept day and night when I got home, had one good day, then last night I felt the virus coming on. I'm kind of delirious and frozen and everything feels strange and still, but my mind is warm, especially with the memory of the day with my son and his family.

Penny and Blue Bear

I slept with the window open at my brother's home and woke up with back spasms and a tweaked neck. Most of the trip I was medicated and in pain but my grand-daughter was my little angel. She not only looks like an angel but she has the heart of one. We bonded like two kindred-spirits that knew each other in another realm in a land of fairies. Her tiny hands would grab onto mine and we seemed to know exactly what the other one needed. Her and I are both talkers and we love not only to share stories, ideas and discoveries but we both love to listen to each other and validate one an other's souls and spirits. The first day I was there, her and I disappeared upstairs and played in my bedroom window sill for three hours and never stopped talking. It was amazing and for the first time in a long time, my cup overflowed. I felt full, understood, loved, cherished and needed.

I usually don't have much to give as far as energy and that leaves me always feeling inadequate around others, with Penny though, I felt that that was all she needed. Just someone who stayed with her and talked and listened (for hours)! Of course her mom and dad need to work and have a schedule but Penny is like me...she has a lot to say and with my health problems, I'm the perfect companion for long term talk-a-thons!  The quaint thing is that's all I need too, ask my friend Gloria, we could talk to each other as a full-time job! The second day was my brother's birthday party and Penny and I just worked the crowd, as our personality types usually do. Our energy levels go through the roof when we are around people, which is typical of extroverts.

Abram Lee

The next day I got to spend the whole day at my sons house with him, his wife Joanna, Penny and Abram my grand-son. Abe self occupies himself so Penny and I went into her closet (which her mom fixed up as a princess tower) and spent over an hour looking at her stuff and going through a toy magazine filled with princess stuff! I don't mean we just checked it out, I'm talking about scanning and analyzing every mi nut detail! After that we moved to her bed and lay on her stuffed animals and talked about HOW MUCH SHE LOVES JESUS and how she just loves the blue bear I sent her! We laughed and giggled, sharing our thoughts and dreams while we lay facing each other almost nose to nose. My daughter in law was baking in the kitchen and asked us if we wanted to watch a movie in the living room. Of course we did, so we took our stuffed animals and cuddled up on the couch. Joanna covered us up like two little kids and put on, Hello Kitty Snow White! I said that the only thing that could make it better was chocolate and the great mom Jojo is, she showed up with peanut butter cups for us!

Nani Ooch and Penny

It sounds strange, being that I'm 53 years old but I felt like a little girl and I liked it. I had missed so much because my mom was ill for so long and then died when I was thirteen. I also was fighting the pain in my body during my vacation which made me more soft and in need of some loving. Joanna is such a great mom and I have to admit that I milked every minute of it! After the movie she called us in the kitchen for lunch and she made these incredible tuna sandwiches and gathered her family around the table as we broke bread together (I'm crying right now). The fact is that I may be the mom and grand-mom but that day I needed my son and his family. I needed to hear my son in the background playing his guitar because it felt familiar and safe, I needed to be hugged and kissed by little Abe who doesn't give his affections to many people, I needed to be mothered by Joanna and I especially needed to be loved by Penny with her beautiful open heart! I know that I gave too...because a piece of my heart feels like it's been torn off and left back there.

Abe and Penny

Yes, I'm back home now and my body is sick, but I will never forget that day. God covered that home with love, grace, peace and healing. He covered the sun with clouds and made it an unforgettable Autumn day, just perfect for cuddling in! And He covered the broken little girl in me, with a blanket from my daughter in law. There is a safe, warm spot in my heart where I can always go to be with them even when we're apart. Remember those rainy days when your mom would give you full reign of the house and you would take chairs, then cover them with blankets to make a fort? That's what I pictured God doing that day. It just doesn't get better than that, everyone you love under God's blanket, just loving on one another!