Papa Ben

Me and my Dad

Proverbs 11-2b...With humility comes wisdom.

My dad was a firm believer in preventative maintenance and preparedness! He never waited till the last minute to do something but he was conscience every day of what he had to do to keep ahead of things, so he didn't have bigger problems in the future. He loved to say, "Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today!" We all hated that as kids because we had to do all this stuff that we would rather put off so we could go have fun instead. I remember my first car and my dad told me over and over again, "Take care of her and she'll take care of you and be sure to check the oil and have it changed every 3000 miles." Blah, blah, blah I thought, as I continued to put it off and then one day, boom! My block cracked and my car wouldn't run anymore! Unfortunately, I have several of those stories because I chose foolishness over wisdom for most of my youth. But, after so many screw ups, I chose to begin to be like my dad and so did my sisters and my brother. My dad's steady wisdom and consistent behavior made him a great role model for all of us growing up. It was seriously like having an adorable, funny, poetic, wise, man's man, tough-guy, modest yet charming, committed dad! You know the kind of guy that woman love because their own husbands are such knuckle heads! My dad was special  and I married a man just like him!

Mom and Dad

After my mom's stroke, when I was 5 years old, my sisters were 15 and 14 and my brother 12, we were raised solely by my dad. He never remarried or even dated, he just did what he had to do and was always there for us. He never hit us or spanked us but he would sit us down to tell us things like, "Don't ever destroy or damage someone else's property. It's okay to have fun but remember that people work hard all week and they don't need to be cleaning up after youthful pranks." or "I taught you right from wrong so now I expect you to make the right choices." And the one he did all the time that I truly believe shaped all of us kids to turn out to be God fearing, people respecting, good citizens was, "I'm disappointed by your choice." Arg, that one really made us think about what we did and it shaped how we did things in the future. He taught us to stay on top of things and not to let material or relational things fall apart, but to keep them maintained. He said to have balance in all aspects of our lives, ie: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually so that one area wouldn't have to suffer because another area was slacking off.

The Old Farm House
as seen today.

My dad was born in 1909 on a small farm in upstate N.Y., he had 12 brother's and sister's, one of which died as a baby, Dorothy, (I'm named after her). My granny was just a itty-bitty thing from England and Pa was an architect from Canada, a tough guy who didn't have a problem pushing Ma around or intimidating the kids. I don't know all the details of my dad's life but there are bits and pieces that when put together form a picture. He told me a few stories about the cold winters on the farm and how him and all his brother's would run out to the barn in the early morning in their long-johns to get dressed among the cows! He said, the cow's breath and body heat made the barn warmer than the stove could make the house! He told me stories about how he used to box bare-fisted for money and how he thought he looked a little like James Cagney with his hat tipped to the side, a spiffy suit and his crooked smile. I know he was married to night club singer before he was married to my mom and that He was going to be a doctor until Pa got out of hand and my dad had to leave school to go get the situation under control and take care of Ma and the family.

My father's father...Pa

My dad's mother...Ma

My dad worked hard for us and he stayed at a moderate job his whole life because he was just that kind of guy who did the right thing. One time we flew him out to California for a visit and that's when I saw another side of him. Actually, not another side of him but the inside of him. We all went to the set of a movie that my brother in law was working on which starred Tony Curtis, Roscoe Lee Brown and that lady who played "Lovey" (Mr. Howell's wife) on Gilligan's Island. There was this scene where they had to open this safe but the safe wouldn't open! The director, producer and the actors were all in a tizzy about what to do, then my brother in law suggested that my dad could probably open it! The director came over and asked my dad if that was a possibility, so they wouldn't lose a day of production, and my dad replied, "Sure, I can open it and I can fix it so you'll only have to pretend to open it rather than actually unlock it." So the director took him over onto the set and my dad saved the day! Tony Curtis, all the other actors, the director and crew all came up to Ben (my dad) and were thanking him and making him feel like a hero! Later that day I was sitting out in the car, my dad was in the front seat and I was behind him, he was staring out the window and there were tears coming down his face. I said, "What's wrong?" and he simple said, "I didn't realize how much life was out here." I knew exactly what he meant, how his world after he had to go back to the farm, due to his father's irresponsibility, was so confined. He had to take care of his mother, brothers and sisters and then after my mom died he did the right thing and raised us kids. He never got to become a doctor or any other things that were probably in his heart. His life was defined by being a son and a dad.

My dad (Benjamin), Aunt Mary
and his sister Gladys on
Granny's porch, 1917

It wasn't until he turned 72 years old that my dad invited Jesus into his heart and I know that gave him new insights that were of great comfort to him. Sometimes we look at our own lives or the lives of others and wonder if somehow mistakes happened that weren't supposed to or choices were made that were wrong. It was through my father's life that I was able to see God's hand of grace involved in lives all around me, including my own!. Dad taught me that through detours, disappointments and broken lives, God turns us from self-seekers to people-healers. He taught me kindness, empathy and compassion by the way he acted, felt and served. After inviting Christ into his life he was no longer just a great guy but a Godly man who began to see that his life had purpose and meaning far beyond any regrets he had if any. He shared his faith, he felt deeply for others and he ended up with a life full of children, grand-children and God's love. He loved us and his tender heart did some things that made him so special, like when he put his arms around his three daughters in front of the Christmas tree one year, bowed his head and sang Silent Night to us. Mine and my sister's tears made a puddle in the center of our hug circle on the hard wood floor that reflected the trees lights and gave the moment a magical glow. His life could have taken a completely different turn back when he was a young man but that wasn't God's plan. My dad was chosen to not be a doctor or be married to a night club singer or to try to live his life as a tough guy, no, my dad was chosen to be my mother's husband and our father. He was humble, and dedicated to his responsibilities, and by doing that he was a man who was blessed throughout his life.

We left the studio and later that afternoon we headed for Gladstone's Restaurant. Before we went to have dinner we all went down to the beach and everyone was talking and mingling when I noticed my dad taking off his shoes and socks. With his toes in the sand he rolled up his pants and walked toward the water. A wave came up and rushed over his bare feet as he stood there watching the ebb and flow of this ocean that was stirring his senses and memories. I'm sure he was thinking too, about all that was out there in the world that he never got to see. His face turned toward the sunset as we all stood watching, he looked like a statue of a wise man who had committed himself to a specific course in life and followed it, yet he also looked like a young man, who saw dreams just over the horizon. I will never know what my father's thoughts were as he stood there on that California beach during the twilight hour, but I do know that until the day he died, he was committed not only to us, but to our children as well, who called him Papa Ben and loved him as much as we did.

*Ben coming out of our back forest.
*One of his wise quotes.
*A cute note he sent me :)

We finally went up the hill to go have dinner and decided to sit outside on the patio. That night my dad was in rare form, as if he saw something bigger than the small world that he had been living in. He was telling stories and jokes, making the waitress laugh and engaging those around us in conversation and chuckles. My dad's personality was not like that at all but we loved seeing this man who "had to do" life for such a long time, just enjoying himself and feeling relaxed. We also found out that the waitress wasn't serving him ice tea's but Long Island ice tea's!

GOD HAS A PLAN FOR OUR LIVES AND THAT PLAN IS SO AMAZING! IT TOOK A MAN LIKE MY FATHER, WHO FOUGHT AS A BARE-FISTED BOXER TO A GENTLE MAN WHO HELD HIS CHILDREN AND GRAND-CHILDREN IN THOSE SAME HANDS MANY YEARS LATER. AS MY DAD WOULD SAY, GOD CAN DO ANYTHING, IF YOU LET HIM.

Dad,
Much of who we are is because of you. We all turned out good because you were a good dad. We know how much you loved
Jesus, so we'll see you when we get there! Kiss mom for us. We miss you a lot!

The Pit and The Gate

I read a book a few years back called Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. It was the perfect book at the perfect time for me and it's truths taught me how to self-protect. I never realized that I didn't know how to do that until my counselor pointed out that I didn't have that particular tool in my mental arsenal. I had no boundaries regarding how others treated me and I was pretty much a walking target. Any unhealthy, out of control, emotionally unstable person was immediately attracted to me because they could see that I had no problem jumping right into their puke-pit with them! My friend Kat told me this theory and I'd like to pass her wisdom on to you...People who let their emotions run their lives are figuratively living in a puke-pit. They are almost constantly frazzled and in need of someone to attach themselves to, usually so they can wear that person out!

Kat's theory is that those kind of people live in a pit filled with all their emotional garbage. They really don't want to change, so as others pass by their pit, they will try to get someone to join them. People who have good boundaries and loving hearts will sit next to the pit and listen a bit, offer prayer and then move on. People who do not have good boundaries will run over and jump in the pit with them and say, "Look, I can feel  all "your" confusion and dismay, I'm here for you!" People with no boundaries attract people with no boundaries and the result is a big "pit party" filled with nothing but foolishness! It's just like when someone comes up to you and dumps all kinds of nonsense on you or blames you for all their problems! Kat says, "It's like they walk up to you, throw up on you, then walk away saying to themself, "Gosh, I feel so much better now!" and they go along their merry way and you are standing there with their vomit all over you! They only think about how they feel, not about how they make others feel!

Having boundaries is a healthy and wise choice. I've learned to spot an abusive or foolish person from miles away now! My antenna go up and everything in me sounds off an alarm, "Code red, code red!" By learning to have boundaries we can be much more effective for Christ and live a much more peaceful and wise life. The way I describe boundaries is like this...If you are living with no boundaries you are living in a round flexible ball, abusive or foolish people can ram into you and bruise you or knock the wind out of you, they can roll you around and get you discombobulated, and all their attempts to use you, confuse you, hurt you...are effective because you're vulnerable. A person with boundaries, lives in a Plexiglas cube. No one can bump, bruise or roll them around, they will try but they just run into a solid wall. After you develop boundaries, you will begin to see those old abusers start leaving you alone and they will go find a nice flexible ball around some person with no boundaries and they will begin to torment them instead!

There's another system I have designed to deal with people and I call it, The Gate System (rudimentary drawing at top). The gate system works like this...Your inner circle should be just yourself and Jesus, the next outer ring is whoever you trust the most (preferably people with good boundaries and ethics). As the circular fences go out, you can put whomever you feel safest with or unsafe with wherever you decide. You can even take someone from a closer circle and put them back a few till you feel you can trust them again, and of course those people that prove by their good lifestyle and trustworthiness that they are safe, you can move them into closer rings. Now, each ring is a round fence and you are in control of who gets to be in what circle because there is a gate in each fence and the latch is only on the inside! Therefore, if someone with no boundaries gets to you, it's because you let them in!

Living in the gate system is a wise way to live. You start your day with just you and God together in the inner circle, then, you have all day to go visit people in other rings or you can invite people to enter in closer by opening a gate up for them. This is not a system to shut you off from life, it's a system that keeps you protected so you can be your most effective in life! We all know people that cause pain to others because they know no boundaries! So, use wisdom to take control of protecting your mind, body, heart and soul from them.

The journey of life is comprised of many things and one of those things is interacting with others. Jesus interacted with thousands of people in his short three years of public ministry. Where better to look for insight than to him! Jesus crossed paths with lots of people that had no boundaries and he knew how to deal with each one. There were the self-righteous, the accusers, false witnesses, betrayers, haters, mockers, doubters and punishers. He also experienced the needy, the hungry (physically and spiritually) and the poor. People pulled at him, crowded in on him, screamed out to him, touched him and followed him everywhere! The latter embraced him and the former rejected and accused him. There were also hundreds upon hundreds that doubted him and joked about him. How did Jesus survive? Well, he stayed in constant communion with his Father in heaven, before, during and after all his encounters. He spent time with his Father before dawn, he was led by him all day and in the evening he always withdrew to go be with his Dad. Everything we need for our journey we will find "in Him". The problem is that most of the time we go running out ahead of him rather than walking beside him.

Everyday we should practice boundaries so our precious time can be spent wisely and not scattered like pearls before swine. We need to be good stewards of our time and resources, and by doing that we will be much more effective in everything, rather than worn out and resentful. Read the Boundaries book and take the wisdom that Kat and I and other traveler's have learned through experience by walking next to Jesus. Use all these resources, then be a beacon for those who are lost in their foolishness but "desire" wisdom. Remember, Jesus didn't go out looking for people with problems, His Father brought the appointed people at the precise time with the proper circumstances "to" him so that God would be glorified through it! Every encounter in life will bring with it a teachable moment where God will reveal a truth to whomever will embrace it. Remember the story of the blind man in John 9:2...As Jesus went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Teacher, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus said, "Neither this man or his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life!" What we see as problems, God see's as opportunities!

Ask God every morning, what or who he wants to bring into your day, and then go with the flow like a leaf on a creek :) Make your list and begin your day, but if things don't go as planned don't freak out. Look for Him in the detours because that's where He does His best work! Try to see Him in everything! What we think is important and what He knows is important are two different things. There have been many days where God rearranged my plans and on the days that I didn't let it frustrate me, He did amazing things that I now write about and share! Don't think so small that you don't acknowledge that there "is" a bigger picture! If you think about it... have you ever heard a story, watched a movie or read a book that didn't focus on the detours? That's where life really happens! Don't have a break-down if your day doesn't go as planned, just take a deep breath and if you look for Him, you'll find Him right there in it with you :)

1 Corinthians 12:31b...And now I will show you the most excellent way!

Spiritual Etiquette

Is there such a thing as spiritual etiquette? My definition would be, "The absence of complaints and the presence of love." Is it possible to be like that? I don't think completely but it's certainly something we can all strive for. Being composed with a more mature spirit is a pleasing quality that hurting people like to be around. I'm a fixer and my first instinct when someone was hurting was to fix it. Not like a guy does, where he is usually trying to get you distracted from the problem because he is feeling so helpless. I would try to get people to go through the grieving process like a sprint or try to get them to learn through my own lessons from life. Until one day when I saw a pattern in life and everyone who tried those same tactics on me was making me very upset. I would say, "Healing is a process, and it takes time. I hate when people try to fix me! I just want them to love me through this." That's when I realized that no one likes to be fixed! People want to be heard and comforted, and even encouraged at a certain point, when they're ready.

The other thing I used to do was interrupt them so I could tell them one of my stories and they would know that I understand. That's another thing I disliked that people did to me when I was suffering. I wanted them to listen to me, let me cry, hug me then listen more. I didn't realize what I was doing to people until I went through a period of self-examination and even asked friends to be candid with me about some of my behavior. I read a book entitled, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World (info on right side-bar under Book Suggestions) and that book really spoke to me about having a teachable heart. I learned that if I began to listen without being offended, then I could take that corrective criticism to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to examine my heart and help me correct it. It's NOT any one's job to fix someone else, but if someone asks for wisdom, give it through love and then pray for the person to be healed by the Holy Spirit. I repeat, our job is not to fix anyone! Our job as Christian brothers or sisters is to simply bring a person who asks for help, into the presence of the Lord, first through prayer, then wise counsel through love.

I remember years ago asking God to build the character of gentleness in me. He didn't throw a big text book down  from heaven at me and expect me to pass a test regarding theory and application by the following Monday. No, He heard my prayer and from that moment on, His Holy Spirit became my highlighter in life! As opportunities arose I was taught and led by God until the fruit of gentleness began to grow in my character. It's the same with patience, each inconvenience and struggle became an opportunity for me to exercise my muscle of patience. If I dropped something and it rolled to a difficult place to reach, the old me would have had a conniption! Now, (more often than not), I sing this little song I wrote as I struggle to retrieve it..."Patience is a virtue that I long to have..." and I just do what I have to do and I don't freak out about every little thing. I used to be my own worst enemy and my spiritual immaturity not only hurt me but it hurt those who had to be around me. My impatience and temper was scary to be around and it was selfish of me to impose my frantic mood on others. I've had to ask many people to forgive me, but that also gave me an opportunity to share with them what God has done in my life!

It's not so funny how we act so pleasant around neighbors, pastors, priests, friends...but we exercise little or no self-control around the ones we love the most. I think its true that we hurt the ones we love, and I think we do it because we know that they will love us anyway. Isn't that more reason to be kind to them. Jesus said, Whatever you do unto the least of my brethren, you have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40. I think that goes for acts of selfishness or cruelty as well as acts of love. We should all work at seeing the Jesus in everyone, using a spiritual etiquette that is worthy of the high calling of being children of the King. We should also practice doing unto others as we would have them do unto us! If we pray for a teachable heart, God will build it up in us, and the lessons of love will make us more Christ-like. Don't wait for others to change, change yourself first and you'll begin to see them respond. Who wants to be near a porcupine?

Galatians chapter 5, verses 22,23a, is where we are told the Fruits of the Spirit.... Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I remember doing a bible study one morning with my friend Kat and my son Brandon. We each took turns naming each fruit and giving an example from our life of how we either used it or didn't. I  recall how each of us was so effected by that exercise, because it brought to the forefront of our minds the profound effect of our choices. The times we chose to show one of God's fruit, we felt good, yet when we chose to not use kindness, gentleness, self-control and so on, we felt bad. Take time to memorize all the fruits, make little note cards and put them on the bathroom mirror and on your dashboard in the car. Teach them to your children so they can begin to know the character of God and what he wants them to be like. When our grand-children stayed with us, I put cards with all the names of the fruits on them up on the wall. Every time there was an issue, I would take them to the wall and ask them if that behavior was a fruit of God. It was a wonderful teachable moment for all of us. Start looking at all the situations of your life and how you could use certain fruits in them.These fruits build spiritual etiquette, and people will want to know what's different about you. That's when you can share with them about the goodness of God :)  

Things do not change, we change. Henry David Thoreau

Packing for the Journey

Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.

We all carry something and what that something is determines who we are and whether we will be joyful or overwhelmed. Carrying the experiences of your life is not the overwhelming part but it's the emotions that are attached to those experiences! Imagine you're loading a back pack for a long trip and you want to bring all the experiences of your life with you so you can share them with people along your journey and also use them to empathize with those people. What would be easier, to write each trial and lesson on a small piece of paper and carry it or to write each one on a brick?  The paper represents your stories and the bricks are the actual emotions attached to those stories. Each brick is an emotion such as anger, bitterness, shame, pride, unbelief, fear, resentment....You would not be able to carry all those bricks in your backpack, you would breakdown at some point, be weak and ineffective, you would feel irritable and soon your health would deteriorate and your soul would suffer. We were not created to carry the past and its pain or the future and it's worries! God created us to lay our burdens on Him and for us to travel our journey with only our stories.

If we carried all the emotions attached to our stories in our backpack we could never be the bearers of good news, taking God's message of freedom to others. Are you carrying a heavy load? Are you bringing all the bad feelings that accompany your life's story with you as you try to show others about God's healing and freedom? He wants you to stop right now and go through your backpack with Him, removing each brick of painful emotions and as you tell Him each story He will record it on a small piece of paper. Each brick will be replaced with that lighter load so you'll be able to carry them. Sure, a backpack full of paper will be cumbersome and annoying at times but that is our cross. Christ carried the heavy cross of our sins at Calvary and His desire for us is not to carry our own burdens, only our stories, about His forgiveness, mercy, grace and love! We are to carry the stories not the burdens of bricks.

After you sit with Jesus and do this with every painful experience of your life, your load will become lighter and your story will be one of deliverance! The Holy Spirit will guide you through this whole process by bringing memories to the front of your mind, revealing them so He can heal them. It's takes time but each step will profoundly change you! Rather than being hunched over with a backpack of bricks, you'll begin to stand up straight and people will begin to see Christ in your life rather than your old complaining character of victim-hood and self-pity! I'm not the same person I used to be and that's because my journey of doing this process with God has finally brought me to a point of epiphany! I can see the power of Jesus in all my circumstances now, and the times I do fall back into self-pity are less and less severe because the time I've spend with Him has made me wiser. God's loving pressure in my life is turning my lumps of coal in to diamonds!

You can't run away from your own shadow in this lifetime and none of us is perfect. We will never be sinless but we will sin less, and our stories can transform us if we will finally hand over the painful emotions and trust them in our Heavenly Father's hands. The events of my life knocked the joy out of my soul for a long time. Everyone saw the vibrant, funny me but inside I was silently screaming from a dark pit of panic. I saw only me but now I see Jesus in it with me! I was talking with my nephew the other day about inner fear and I told him that everyone has it and each person just covers it with something different. Some people use anger to push people away so that they never have to show their vulnerability. Others use quietness, humor, silence, jabbering or they might even isolate themselves from others. All these things are what satan uses to keep us from God's tender love. Whether we are weighted down by our bricks, bound by vines of lies or live a life of freedom in Christ, it's all a result of choices we make moment by moment, day after day. Choose wisely dear ones because there are people out there that need you.

1 Peter 4:8...Love covers a multitude of sins.

Clean the Closet?

In our relationship with God we can choose several ways to try and avoid Him. There's tip toeing around, trying to hide our shame or guilt, pretending that if we don't look at Him then He won't notice us. Or we live a tepid Christian life that just does the minimum and it's enough to make us feel good about ourselves. Then there's busyness, where we stay so busy that, "There just isn't time right now Lord, for me to stop and discuss this!" and we hope He forgets about it. I played these games for years and all it did was make me feel awful and I missed out on living a guilt and shame free life! When we finally figure out how much God loves us, and that He knows everything anyway, whether we tell Him or not, that's when we can exhale and start breathing again!

We can talk to God about everything, no matter how ugly, dark or repulsive it may be. He already knows about it and He wants you to be set free. He died on the cross for you, and the exact same sin that you're worrying about right now, has already been nailed to the cross and forgiven. The processes we have to go through here on earth to heal from our sins and its affects is for our benefit. His love and forgiveness is unlimited as long as we accept Him and His gift of pardon on the cross! He always responds to our human failures with love, compassion and discipline. Yes, I said discipline, but don't let that scare you because discipline is not punishment! It is a lesson of love that He uses to teach us, just like we teach our children to not touch fire again. We will actually come to love those lessons because they draw us nearer to His heart and His deep ocean of love. We won't be afraid to come to Him with everything after experiencing that unconditional love. Judgement and condemnation is not how God deals with His children because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. In John 12:47 Christ tells us that, He did not come into the world to judge us but to save us!

Jesus is our safe place! He doesn't want you to be afraid of Him, He wants you to run to Him, grab on to Him and feel free to release anything that is holding you in bondage. Picture yourself as a child and leap onto His lap, wrap your arms around His neck and find peace there. If you were to describe a perfect friend, He is that friend! He will listen to you, empathize with you and teach you how to live a life of freedom. His compassion and mercies never run out because He loves you unconditionally. Do you have a hard time grasping the idea of hugging God or looking into His eyes when He isn't actually physically there? So did his disciples, but Jesus told them that He would have to leave them and go back to heaven but that His Father was going to send a helper. He told them, (John 15:5-15) that He would no longer be beside them but that the Holy Spirit would come and be inside them! The Holy Spirit can't be summed up but once you invite Jesus into your heart and His Spirit comes to reside in you, there's nothing else like it! He will guide you, comfort you, teach you and get you through everything!

Our Savior came to set the sinners free not imprison them. He didn't come to hang out with the chief priests and the people who appeared perfect. No, He came to ordinary men and woman who knew they needed a Savior. He came to the sick, the poor, the broken, the hurting and the lost. He came to heal, love, save, comfort and redeem! We all can be free if we confess, receive and believe in the God who left His Holy position in heaven, took on human flesh and dwelt among us! We all have a free will and we can choose to accept Him as our Savior or we can go and live our lives our own way. He will never force His love upon us because that's what free will is...He wants us to choose to love Him!

Let's assume you're going to accept Him into your heart and life. What about having to change, that's scary! We all have dark closets that we don't want anyone poking around in. We've all done this...when we have company or a party at our house we stuff things into the closets to make the residence appear all together and tidy. We only want people to see the perfect us and would be appalled if someone intruded by opening a closet door that we had designated as off limits. Jesus will never open that door without your permission and if you do allow Him in...He won't be shocked because He already knows what's in there. It's us that have all the hang ups, not Him! The longer we ignore that closet and keep Him out of it, the worse that closet becomes. Dark closets begin to mold and mildew, they get spiders, mice, germs, dust, cobwebs and the vermin will even nest! The floorboards and walls will begin to deteriorate and most of the good items in there will become ruined along with the junk. Ever watch Hoarders? Do you have a dark closet in your heart? Invite Jesus in and He will be with you every step of the way.

It's human nature that the worse a problem gets, the more we avoid it! We put off opening up those closets because it all seems to daunting to deal with. Let me tell you something about closets, whether they be in our home, mind or hearts...you have to make a big mess before you can get it orderly! You have to first have the courage to open it, then you have to start pulling things out and making piles, ie: one for the thrift store, one is for garbage, one is to clean and keep and maybe one pile for things you have to return to people and so on it goes. I happen to be one of those people that loves to clean things out and have order but most people are not like that! They hate the thought of doing it and especially having to do it alone ! Satan will even get involved and start whispering in our ear, things like, "Ah, leave it in there, you don't have to deal with it, it's not bothering anybody." or "You're sick, tired and afraid already, why make things worse!" or "If anyone were to find out about your sin that you're hiding, just think how humiliated you would feel!" and the lies go on and on....

These are some truths that dispel the lies...#1: Opening the closet and confessing is not the scary part! It's the fear, guilt and shame you feel by hiding it. I opened a dark closet in my mind and I invited Jesus in to help me with the clean-up and it wasn't bad at all. I'm not saying that the process wasn't very difficult, I'm just saying that it wasn't what the enemy was making it out to be at all! There was love there, not condemnation. The worse part was all the anxiety and panic that I felt prior to doing it, and thinking that He would be ashamed of me and punish me. But none of that happened, all He did was sit with me and help me through it all. It was wonderful and I hope whoever is reading this will dismiss the lies in their head and just get to it, so you can begin to have freedom and live again!

#2: As you pull each thing out of the dark closet you will have to make decisions like, "Do I keep this wound and allow it to be healed so I can cherish the scar as a reminder of my victory over it?" or maybe you'll pull something out that really belongs to someone else, like a hurt, an offence or a pain that someone else caused, but you've been holding on to it. "Is it time to let go?" You may come across something that you just need to hand over to Jesus and ask Him to fix it because you've never been able to do it on your own. Some things simply get thrown out, some may be things that remind you that you need to apologize to someone or forgive someone that hurt you deeply so that you don't have to carry that "ugly" in you anymore. There will be things that we need to face and take responsibility for and other things we need to clean up and preserve as reminders. Tears, sorrow, anger, bitterness, shame, guilt, resentments....they will all be in there and each one Jesus will be there to lovingly help you sort through, giving you new courage and healing your wounds.

#3: Your life will be so different after you do this! You're going to ask yourself, "Why didn't I do this sooner!" Once the closet is cleaned of the contents, the mold and cobwebs have been cleaned up, you've aired it out, finished any repairs and repainted, it's time to put a new light bulb in! That light is Jesus and His light is eternal and purifying! At this point it's up to you what you want to put back into the closet and if your going to keep His light burning in there. (Please read Matthew 13:1-23!) about the Parable of the Four Soils.) Some of us choose to go on with the Lord, letting Him love us and heal us, whereas, others choose to go back to the darkness. They will believe the lies from the enemy and their sweet memories of their time with Jesus will fade because they won't read their bible, go to church or have fellowship with other Christians. They'll  paint their closet black again and put junk back in there like before. But for those who choose abundant life they fill their new closet with the good things from God such as, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22,23). The imprisonment they used to live in has been transformed forever to a place of freedom! Their mind, heart and souls are now open and full of light and God is welcome there anytime!

Isaiah 61:1-3, (Prophesy about our Messiah Jesus), The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good new to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God (justice), to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for those who grieve, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

I Can't Find My Sin?

Marion Beatrice aka Nana Ooch

Over the years I've journaled my thoughts and feelings and this is one of those entries. I dedicate this to my mother who didn't get a chance to live, learn, grow or change.

My life was defined by the loss of my mother and her personal losses. She had a massive stroke when I was about 5 years old and I remember that morning vividly. It was a Sunday... my father was making his usual Sunday morning breakfast for all of us. The smell of bacon frying, fried eggs bubbling in the old cast iron pan and toast with butter and grape jelly! As I sat in our avocado green kitchen, fiddling around at the Formica table, I looked up and my mom dragged her way past us, heading for the bathroom and said, "I don't feel very well." A few minutes later she came out and told my father that she was going back to bed. That had never happened before, since my mom was a very active person and she was always involved in the goings on of the day.

It seemed like it was only a few minutes that passed and we heard a loud grunt from her room. My dad ran in there and we instantly knew something was very wrong. As I stood at the doorway I could see that she wasn't responding to my fathers inquiries and her eyes just stared upward. Back then, doctors would make house calls and I recall Dr. Klein taking a pen and sliding it up my moms foot but she didn't move. He then proceeded to try and get her to respond to several pokes and prods but nothing. He looked at my father and took him aside to the other room. The next thing I remember was my dad grasping the door frame, dropping his head and he begin weeping. I just stood there, looking up at everyone. I started saying, "What's wrong, What happened?" but no one answered. I felt alone and afraid. I can still feel the emotions of the people around me like a foggy night makes your skin feel damp.There was an uncomfortable movement as if they were all going in slow motion and their eyes kept shifting from person to person looking for a reason.

My mom had a massive stroke and for the next 9 years she would live a life with very few options. Everything she needed, she had to depend on someone else for it. I never got to talk to her about anything because she couldn't talk. Every day, all day was a game of frustrating charades, trying to figure out what she wanted or needed. Eventually I taught my mom to say six words, I love you Ben, (my dad's name), shit, (She requested that one!), but every time she said it, everyone belly laughed! I'm sure she used it to express her frustrations too, since her entire right side was paralyzed, yet she still tried to do everything! The last word was my name, Dottie, and from then on, it was pretty much my name that she called whenever she needed something. I grew to resent that, and that resentment would later cause me tremendous pain.

The story of my life, by my observance was tragic, and that's all I focused on. All the struggles, all the situations and emotions that ran through my life, all the trauma that was never spoken of or talked about! I lived her pain and her fears in my life, carrying them like a lump in my throat. I walked day by day under a dark cloud of self-pity, anger, resentment and bitterness but I never embraced those feelings to heal them, I just ran through life with all the pain. It was exhausting and I was too immature to understand that I needed to turn around and face it all. I thought I could get "over" it but God knows that we need to get "through" it. I wasn't ready to clean that closet yet. Instead, I did everything I could to numb myself to it. It was by doing exactly that, that I became two people. There was the funny, out-going and mischievous me on the outside and then there was the broken and terrified me on the inside. This horrible thing happened but there was no Trial of the Century, no front page headlines for weeks, just a little girl whose mom died. It all happened so fast and it would be years before I would turn around and ask God to help me.

My decision to avoid God brought me nothing but more hardship and sorrow. Bad choices and wrong paths led me to situations that were not only stupid but dangerous. I look back now and see that it was only by the grace of God that I survived. He loved me and stayed by my side even though I ignored Him. He pursued me, protected me and cherished me, all while I was telling Him to leave me alone. Looking back now, I can see so clearly that most of the conflict and drama in my life was caused by me, not God. We choose to turn our backs on Him, He never turns His back on us! He is always there waiting for us to turn from our own will and seek Him and His will. He longs to bless us and deliver us, to see us have freedom, joy and find His precious gift of peace.

But what about all those years we turned our backs on Him? Do they have to be an albatross that we must carry forever as a punishment, a reminder of our disobedience. Do memories of our bad choices have to be a scarlet letter worn for the rest of our lives? Do we have to prove our repentance to God by carrying the bricks of our iniquities on our backs like slaves? Or are they simply wasted years? Thank God, none of the above! For years I would have a bad memory pop into my head and I would become downcast and depressed. I would beg God to please forgive me, over and over. Then, one day I realized that He has already forgiven me and I was just beating myself up repeatedly for no reason! Satan had me in emotional bondage! Now, when a bad memory comes, I thank God for forgiving me, and my mind is filled with thoughts of gratitude and joy instead! The following scriptures anointed me, and Satan no longer could keep a grip on me! Joel 2:25 says, "I (God) will restore back to you the years the locust have taken.", Job 8:21 says, "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy!", Isaiah 1:18 says, "Tho your sins be as scarlet, I will make them white as snow!", and Psalm 103:12, "As far as the east is from the  west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us!". Our sins are forgiven instantly and completely when we allow Jesus to cover them with His blood of redemption! And, our years are not wasted, only if we see them that way. The deeper life spears us, the deeper God can fill us!

I don't understand why terrible things happen but I know now that the Creator of the Universe came and sat with me, and never left me for one minute. We went through that dark closet in my heart together and cleaned it out piece by piece.......... until I found the peace He was talking about!

Ditsy Dee

I went to a party last night and no one was there! I had the wrong date! Ditsy me :)

Laying it on the Alter

Wednesday was an interesting day filled with a plethora of experiences and one big lesson! My husband had to take me to an appointment in the morning and I also had quite a few errands that I had been putting off because I don't have a car right now. We decided to incorporate our days and spend it together getting things done. Brian's brother Kevin was with us all day because he isn't capable of being alone by himself but we don't mind because he is a very positive and funny guy! As I've mentioned in previous posts, Brian's mom is ill and in a nursing home so Kevin is living with us. Anyway, Brian stopped and saw clients in between me getting some long awaited things done. I went to Michael's Art And Craft and got a couple canvas' and some paints, we went to lunch at our favorite Sushi restaurant and I even went to a gorgeous salon and got my hair done! These may sound like simple things but we have been struggling financially for a couple years now and trust me, this was an awesome day for me!!!

One of the things I was most excited about was going to check out some gyms! Due to certain circumstances over the last 5-6 years, my health took a nose dive into a debilitating state which destroyed all the physical achievements I had made. For the first time in a long time I am feeling ready to get back at it and slowly I've been introducing myself back into life. Brian took me to the first gym and as I toured it, I could feel the old Dee feeling excited and my mind anticipating all the good that was going to start coming back to me as a result of working out! By the time I walked out I was floating on air just imagining how wonderful it was going to be to feel strength in my body and be around people again!

I got into the car and I could feel reality begin crashing into my hopefulness, similar to when you see a movie like, Braveheart or Troy and the two forces run toward each other then crash into the opposing warriors full force and fight with determined fury to achieve victory for their side! I was realizing that with Brian's mom sick, she will not allow Kevin to go to a day program for special needs adults, and Brian can't take him to work so it was my job to take care of Kevin during the day! My mind felt like someone just took a blow torch to it and I thought, "This can't be! Seriously! Nooooo, I can't stay in that prison of a house, having no car and now this tremendous responsibility on top of it, No God! Please, Nooooo!" As I sat in the car looking out the window and watching my hopes burn and rise like smoke in my mind, Brian sensed something was wrong and he said, "Bunny, everything is going to work out." I replied, "How can it? I have to take all these feelings of happiness and joy and I have to lock them back up! I have to just accept that nothing is going to change." We sat silently as we drove home.

Later that evening, I was sitting out on the patio and Brian came and sat with me. I stayed quiet because I just didn't want to actually put into words the realities that I was worrying about, then, Brian said to me, "Bun, remember the movies we just watched? (see the previous post regarding the movies). You have to trust God that all of this will work out." As I sat there, I recalled the movies and their stories. God spoke to my heart and whispered to me, "Lay all your hopes and dreams on My alter of sacrifice and trust me." I have to admit that in the past I would have rolled my eyes and thought, "Whatever", then just went on my way with discouragement in my heart. This time though, I surrendered it all, I lay it on His alter and said to God, "I trust you Lord, with all of it. I knew that if I never got to join a gym, have a car and couldn't have a life of my own again that God had a plan and I felt a peace inside of me. If my life was going to be a sacrifice to serve God, by taking care of Kevin and being a joyful servant to God and my family then the Lord would give me strength and contentment to do it from my heart. I could not have handled it if it weren't for those movies and the wisdom that they implanted into my heart, and Brian could not have comforted me the way he did, without just having seen those movies either! It was no mistake that they came in the mail from Netflix when they did :) God knows exactly what we need and when we need it!

In the Bible, Abraham had to put his one and only beloved son that God gave him in his old age on an alter of sacrifice. God proved His love to Abraham by delivering Issac and then fulfilling His promise to Abraham that his descendants would out number the stars! Moses had to put his fears on the alter when God told him that he would have to speak for the people of Israel, even though he had a severe stutter, and tell Pharaoh to let his people go! Hosea had to put his pride on the alter when God told him to marry a prostitute, in order for people in generations to come to understand God's great unfailing  love and forgiveness toward us! Gideon had to put his unbelief on God's alter so that God's justice and power could be a lesson to all of us regarding God's faithfulness! God chooses flawed people to show His great works through. If we do not come to the point in each of our lives where we choose Him over our own desires then the effects of our lifes story will not live on and bless the generations to come. We must remember in every story in our life, He has a blessing for us and that blessing will ripple out to touch others. His way is always the best way, even if we can't see it right then. There is not one story in the bible where God let's even one of His children down, and He's not going to start now!

I don't know what's ahead, I do know God loves me and that my life isn't about just now, but it is about eternity also! I think I finally realized, that when God created me in my mother's womb, it was then, that the life story that "He" wrote for me began, and I don't have the stubborness, fear and doubt in my heart any longer, that desires to rewrite it! I'm trusting Him!

Read Psalm 139!

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart!

Matthew 6:33 Seek first the Kingdom of God and ALL the other things will be added unto you!

Psalm 73:25,26 Whom have I in heaven but you Lord? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
                          My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion
                          forever!

Psalm 103 Excepts) Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name and forget
                               not all his benefits...he forgives all our sins, heals all our diseases, redeems our life
                               from the pit, crowns us with love and compassion, satisfies our desires with good 
                               things, so that our youth is renewed like the eagles!

With you oh Lord, is where I want to be....Your will not mine Lord, is the safest place for me.