The Smallest Things

I wrote this post prior to leaving for my N.Y. vacation.....

The smallest things bring amazement and joy!

I awoke again to breathtaking back pain! I'm scheduled to leave for my vacation to upstate NY and I've been down with this for three days now. I swore that no matter what happened in my life that I was going to take it one day at a time. That's really been helping a lot since I used to carry the past, the future and the current day all at once and not only was I overwhelmed but so were those who had to be around me. One day at a time, is all God wants us to handle. He never said that He would give us strength to carry yesterday or tomorrow, just today, and that is enough! Our burden's become to heavy when we wander outside of God's plan for us. Fear of tomorrow, pain from the past, are places that are over or not here yet and that's why He doesn't want us to go there! There are days though, that I see no redeeming qualities in, and it's days without purpose (at least to me) that are the worst. My isolation and pain seem to make my days look so small and empty that you can't find a crumb of vision in them sometimes. The last two days were just back pain and I couldn't see anything good or positive in them at all. But then, today happened and.....

I had the most wonderful morning, even though I was in physical pain. Within moments of waking up, my phone beeped with a message. That always cheers me up because I know that someone is thinking of me :) It was a comment on one of my posts from my Daughter in law and it was just sweet and touching! Isn't it funny how the smallest thing can mean the world to someone! I chose to thank God immediately for sending me that blessing exactly when He did because it set the tone for my day, and that was a much better tone than the one I was going to use, which was pain and isolation, again! My son and his wife ended up calling me and we had such a wonderful talk about so many things! They are looking forward to seeing me and for the kids to see me and spend time with me! They just recently moved back to the USA from being stationed overseas in Belgium for four years, and North Dakota prior to that. Their story is one full of trials and miracles that most young couples couldn't even begin to understand or deal with, yet they did, with grace and courage.

I am home from N.Y. now...

Well, my back pain lasted up until 2 days before I had to leave! I couldn't do anything because I couldn't bend over! I felt so helpless and I did not want to go because I was in pain and I wasn't ready or packed. I had a few outbursts and complained right up to the morning of my departure. Two hours prior to my flight leaving, I called my niece in Virginia crying because I was so weak and I didn't sleep the night before so I was asking her what I should do. She calmly told me to do what was best for me and that no matter what I decided, she loved me. The comfort of knowing that I had a choice and I wouldn't be persecuted for it really relaxed me and I decided I would just go as far as my body would take me. If it meant turning around in Detroit during my lay over then that's what I would do. Unfortunately (just kidding), my sister was traveling with me and she was not about to travel alone so I guess I just pretended in my mind that I could leave if I wanted to. My sissy just kept plugging along from one point to the next and that's what got me to N.Y.

We arrived pretty late but my brother and sister in law picked us up in her Mary Kay pink Cadillac and we were back to their house by 12:30am. I don't even remember that night after that point. Anyway, the point of my story is that I got to see all my loved ones and especially my son, his wife and my two grand-children! I was in a lot of physical pain but I just kept medicated and went from one point to the next and then to the next, until each experience connected into a journey and each moment filled me up with memories!  My husband always says, "How do you eat an elephant?...One bite at a time!" and the whole time I was away I just kept chanting, "Inch by inch every thing's a cinch!" Every time I'm struggling with my pain, I ask the Lord, "How am I going to get through this?!" and He always says, "One moment at a time my little darling, one moment at a time."

I guess the moral of this story is that you will get out of life exactly how much you take from it. Whether you charge into it with energy or crawl through it in pain, it doesn't matter how you do it. As long as you do it, you will learn, grow, laugh, cry, acquire and give, and that is just life....... one moment at a time.

A Rainbow in the Rain

Sorrow may endure for a night but Joy cometh in the morning!
Psalm 30:5

There is no rhyme or reason to what I write each day. I simply sit and let God speak through me. I never know who it is for or why I'm writing some of it. I only know that, God hears you and He loves you. If the days post doesn't resonate with you, then pray for the person it is for or forward it to someone who may need to hear it. Thank you for being a part of this ministry.

At times I have felt  like I've been buried under a trash heap, but I have come to an absolute certainty that God will not leave His children there if we will just surrender to Him! God's plan for our lives was never to get ourselves buried under such messes, but for too many years I chose my own will over His and I dug my own hole! I can even look back at several situations where He wanted to unearth me and save me but I stubbornly fought His loving attempts and desired to remain exactly where I was! Sometimes it's fear, shame, guilt and I guess sometimes we think we are so unworthy that we don't deserve to be saved. We listen to the lies of the enemy so long and then adopt those lies into our hearts as truths! I'm going to be 53 in a few days and I'm still realizing my worth in Christ! His love is unconditional yet so unfathomable! I've been working on it for a long time, changing my inner dialog and thoughts through the truths in the bible and by just spending time with Jesus. I'll just meditate on His unconditional love until my soul begins to stir and I start to fight my way out of the trash heap of lies! He always thrusts His hand down into it and pulls me out when I call for Him though! I trust God now and I see Him as my deliverer!

This is very personal but I feel God leading me to write about this today. I have struggled most of my life with depression and thoughts of suicide. For years it tormented me but as I've grown and matured in my walk with Christ, those battles have become very diminished. I think right now, being without a car and having so few choices and not much freedom, it has made me have to face the remnants and final stains of those horrible feelings and lies. I've always had health problems, and that on top of all the emotional events in my life made for a toxic mix. I lived in constant fear that someone would discover the brokenness inside me and I would be revealed as not the happy, vibrant, fun person that I acted like but as the girl who walked the tight rope of insanity each day. I can't remember ever exhaling unless I drank alcohol or did drugs, I lived with no peace, ever. I had close encounters with dangerous situations due to my naivety and foolishness and I was the victim of three very scary events and one violent crime. I would need more than two hands to recount the times, that I'm aware of, that God rescued me from death or serious injury. My choices, not God's will is what buried me, but it was His love that searched, found and rescued me! My Creator pursued me because of His great love for me! Not that I earned or deserved it, but just because He loved me!

Years ago I awoke one morning and the dark mental pressure was so heavy upon me, that it proved to be one of the rare days where I could not fight the battle for my life and I was scared. Usually my depression makes me have thoughts of ending my life but I know that I would never do it. I have a strong conviction that suicide is the most selfish act a person could choose to do. I would never put my loved ones through that horror by choosing to escape it myself! I'm not saying that you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself, I'm just saying that it is not fair to your loved ones. No pain is so bad that it would trump the pain you would cause the ones left behind. There would be these rare days though, when I feared I had no power over it and my prayers seemed to be empty echos that I would take as God's rejection. That day I drove aimlessly for hours, contemplating everything I had ever heard about suicide and Heaven! I just wanted the pain to end and I desperately needed God to help me! Finally, I drove to a Christian Book Store and as I roamed around I found myself standing in front of a book shelf asking God to once and for all tell me what to do with my life! I felt my arm lift and my hand reach out for this book right in front of me, I opened it to a random page and this is what it read, "Suicide is self-murder." My first reaction was one of disappointment because I just couldn't live the way I was any longer, with this confusion and sickness. But as I realized that the God of the Universe just spoke directly to me, I stood there and said a silent prayer, "God, give me a book right now that is only about how much you love me and save me Lord." As I opened my eyes, my gaze fell to the left and there was this worn and tattered book entitled, Enjoying God.

Enjoying God?...I thought that's a strange concept, I'm terrified of Him and I don't enjoy Him at all! Am I supposed to be enjoying Him?! Now this was a book store full of only new books, so why this particular book looked like a bear had read it, I don't know, but it drew my eye to it and I bought it. I raced home to hopefully find some hope in this gift that God appeared to have given me. It was as if He sat down with me and let the book be His voice to speak to me! It spoke of His love for us in a way I hadn't heard before and it explained about, The Dark Season of the Soul, which in so many words was about depression, hopelessness and despair. As I read, it felt as if someone unlocked my chains and I emerged from the depths of the sea and took a deep breath of oxygen! I literally could feel my cells unlocking and starting to function! The transfer of despair to hope was like a chain reaction that was setting my body and mind free! God saved me from the pit and rescued me that day, He heard my cries and He Placed me on a new road. A road that led to the base of a mountain. He reached out His hand and said, "Follow Me?" and I just smiled, and I chose Him!

My lifetime of inner turmoil, outer chaos, bad decisions and avoidance of God is not meant to be locked up inside of me in a box of shame! If I choose to do that then I will never be authentic or able to do God's work. Christians are not meant to be perfect, we are meant to be honest story tellers of God's love. Transparency, love, honesty, empathy, truth, compassion and non-judgement are the eyes and heart that God can work through! Shame is a prison and it will suffocate you, so choose God and trust Him that where ever you are He will love you through it and out of it! I was in a trash heap and God pulled me from it, cleaned me and raised me, and now though my sins be as scarlet, He has made me white as snow. Don't be ashamed of your stories of darkness, just share honestly and tell the good news that Jesus Christ washes away sins! He doesn't reject us because of them, He longs for us to throw ourselves into His arms and let Him heal us!

The dark season of the soul is not forever, so don't ever give up. I'm not a joyful, bubbly person inside by nature. I'm actually a very sad and lonely person who holds on to my Savior every moment of every day! Whatever you are going through just remind yourself that, "This too shall pass". Moment by moment seek truth and purpose in your life through Jesus Christ. Don't make a bed for yourself in the trash heap of lies and darkness. Call to your God and He will reach for you. All will be well little one. God is in control even when you feel out of control.

Read Ezekiel 16: 1-14!

Romans 5:6 & 8  You see, at just the right time,when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly....Yes! God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us!

Why should I fear when God's word says, "I, God, have not given you a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind! 2 Timothy 1:7

Why should I accept defeat when the bible says, God always leads me in triumph! 2 Corinthians 2:14

Why should I allow the enemy supremacy over my life when Gods says, "Greater is Me in you than he that is in the world.

Suggested reading for this topic: Praying God's Word by Beth Moore, Enjoying God by S.J. Hill, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, Telling Yourself the Truth by Marie Chapian and James Backus, Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson, Bondage Breakers by Neil Anderson

And read your bible....because if your bible isn't worn out then you probably are.

God's Blanket

My Daughter in Law, Joanna

It all seems like a dream now, hugging my loved ones, playing with my grand-children....I'm back home now. I don't want to write about my trip back to New York right now because I'm in bed sick with some kind of bug. I slept day and night when I got home, had one good day, then last night I felt the virus coming on. I'm kind of delirious and frozen and everything feels strange and still, but my mind is warm, especially with the memory of the day with my son and his family.

Penny and Blue Bear

I slept with the window open at my brother's home and woke up with back spasms and a tweaked neck. Most of the trip I was medicated and in pain but my grand-daughter was my little angel. She not only looks like an angel but she has the heart of one. We bonded like two kindred-spirits that knew each other in another realm in a land of fairies. Her tiny hands would grab onto mine and we seemed to know exactly what the other one needed. Her and I are both talkers and we love not only to share stories, ideas and discoveries but we both love to listen to each other and validate one an other's souls and spirits. The first day I was there, her and I disappeared upstairs and played in my bedroom window sill for three hours and never stopped talking. It was amazing and for the first time in a long time, my cup overflowed. I felt full, understood, loved, cherished and needed.

I usually don't have much to give as far as energy and that leaves me always feeling inadequate around others, with Penny though, I felt that that was all she needed. Just someone who stayed with her and talked and listened (for hours)! Of course her mom and dad need to work and have a schedule but Penny is like me...she has a lot to say and with my health problems, I'm the perfect companion for long term talk-a-thons!  The quaint thing is that's all I need too, ask my friend Gloria, we could talk to each other as a full-time job! The second day was my brother's birthday party and Penny and I just worked the crowd, as our personality types usually do. Our energy levels go through the roof when we are around people, which is typical of extroverts.

Abram Lee

The next day I got to spend the whole day at my sons house with him, his wife Joanna, Penny and Abram my grand-son. Abe self occupies himself so Penny and I went into her closet (which her mom fixed up as a princess tower) and spent over an hour looking at her stuff and going through a toy magazine filled with princess stuff! I don't mean we just checked it out, I'm talking about scanning and analyzing every mi nut detail! After that we moved to her bed and lay on her stuffed animals and talked about HOW MUCH SHE LOVES JESUS and how she just loves the blue bear I sent her! We laughed and giggled, sharing our thoughts and dreams while we lay facing each other almost nose to nose. My daughter in law was baking in the kitchen and asked us if we wanted to watch a movie in the living room. Of course we did, so we took our stuffed animals and cuddled up on the couch. Joanna covered us up like two little kids and put on, Hello Kitty Snow White! I said that the only thing that could make it better was chocolate and the great mom Jojo is, she showed up with peanut butter cups for us!

Nani Ooch and Penny

It sounds strange, being that I'm 53 years old but I felt like a little girl and I liked it. I had missed so much because my mom was ill for so long and then died when I was thirteen. I also was fighting the pain in my body during my vacation which made me more soft and in need of some loving. Joanna is such a great mom and I have to admit that I milked every minute of it! After the movie she called us in the kitchen for lunch and she made these incredible tuna sandwiches and gathered her family around the table as we broke bread together (I'm crying right now). The fact is that I may be the mom and grand-mom but that day I needed my son and his family. I needed to hear my son in the background playing his guitar because it felt familiar and safe, I needed to be hugged and kissed by little Abe who doesn't give his affections to many people, I needed to be mothered by Joanna and I especially needed to be loved by Penny with her beautiful open heart! I know that I gave too...because a piece of my heart feels like it's been torn off and left back there.

Abe and Penny

Yes, I'm back home now and my body is sick, but I will never forget that day. God covered that home with love, grace, peace and healing. He covered the sun with clouds and made it an unforgettable Autumn day, just perfect for cuddling in! And He covered the broken little girl in me, with a blanket from my daughter in law. There is a safe, warm spot in my heart where I can always go to be with them even when we're apart. Remember those rainy days when your mom would give you full reign of the house and you would take chairs, then cover them with blankets to make a fort? That's what I pictured God doing that day. It just doesn't get better than that, everyone you love under God's blanket, just loving on one another!

Watta Manth!

Watta manth is, What a month with a NY accent! This last month has been soooo stressful! Without details, let's just say, I hope it gets better :) I'm leaving for my trip to Upstate NY tomorrow night and I actually feel to worn out to go but my sister won't let me stay home. It's funny that home is where you're suppose to be at peace but there has been so much chaos with the situation with Brian's mother being ill and Kevin staying here. All month I was seriously attacked with health problems and it just got to be too much for me to handle. And, I know all of you can relate to the hundreds of little things that go awry during the big things too! But there's one great thing that happened this month....I never blamed God, I just chose to see Him in it with me! I took my own advise and pictured it all happening in His hand. I acknowledged that the world and people are out of control but God is not! It did make a difference, a big difference!

High Sierra's in California / Just a taste
of the Autumn pic's to come from NY! 

I snapped a couple times, but it was from pushing myself to far without nourishing, quenching or resting. I saw that the times I snap are the times when I furiously or angrily push on (like when I'm trying to fix the computer and it doesn't want to be fixed). I'm learning to step back and do my check-list.....Have I eaten? Have I hydrated? Am I rested? Does this HAVE to be done right now or can it wait?....

Wisdom is the key to peace. Pull back, compose, reassess, pray and then make a decision. Like right now...my husband will be home any minute and he called ahead to let me know that he needs the computer. So, the wise thing for me right now would be to finish this quick and redirect myself. I'm not even going to spell check this or re-read it (that's hard for me :)

I probably won't post from my vacation because I am not a multi-tasker, so take the next week to re-read some of my older posts and maybe forward to a friend. Check back at the end of next week because I'm going to have some awesome pictures from New England and I know that there is going to be some terrific posts because whenever Satan wants to keep you from something great, he always afflicts you  to get you not to do it! This last month makes me not want to go to NY, but I've wised up to the enemies attacks and schemes and I know that doing the complete opposite of what I don't feel like doing will bring a huge blessing!

Love you all! Be blessed and be a blessing, I'll meet you back here in a week! XOXOXOXOXO

"The Circle of Life", Dedicated To My Son

There once was a boy named Nodnarb, who lived in the darkness of Woosh. One day the voice of his father spoke to him and told him that he would have to leave Woosh and go to where the light was. He was needed there and no one else could do what he was chosen to do. Nodnarb went courageously, not knowing what lay ahead, but he knew that his father packed everything that he would need inside of him, and so he went.

Meanwhile, in the land of light there was a young woman named Semra, she was very lost and had much confusion over the strange shaped pieces that rattled around in her heart. She was in much need of something bigger than herself she thought, but her father who loved her dearly, knew that he was the bigger thing she needed, and that it was actually something smaller than her that would show her the way, so he gave her Nodnarb.

Nothing in all of the land of light could take Semra's attention away from her small gift, her precious son. Everyday she held him, fed him and spoke love to him. She adored and protected him with all her heart, body, mind and soul. Nodnarb became more important to Semra than herself. Neither of them knew, but their father had laid out a course for them to travel through the land of light, and every event would lay a color upon their journey. You see, in the land of light, the more colors you have to take with you when you have to go back to Woosh, the more exciting it will be when the lights finally come on there, and all is revealed! The whole purpose of life in the land of light is to collect as many colors as we can!

Semra began their journey even though she had to learn along the way how to care for Nodnarb. There were many times when Semra was afraid and felt alone but she began to see something that comforted her spirit....Nodnarb's heart was different than the other boys, the treasures that his father packed into his heart weren't common ones but each had a peculiar shape just like the one's in her own heart! She couldn't put her finger on it but she could see her father's handiwork in it and that made her feel safe and gave her courage to go on.

Semra and Nodnarb traveled many miles during many years, through valleys and to mountain tops together and never left each others sides, no matter how difficult the paths were. They cared for each other and forgave each other for all the times they didn't understand the other ones heart.  He made her laugh and she taught him about deep things. But, as it is in the land of light, everyone must grow, Semra's father wanted her to go travel with him and the time came for Nodnarb to go be a man in his own right. So their father sat them down and said that he would help them to break the seal that held them together. Semra was terrified and wept, which made Nodnarb feel guilty and terrible because he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was just doing what all the strong, young men were called to do naturally at that time in their lives. So, their father told them that to break the seal they would not  have to pull apart, but instead come together.

They trusted their father and as they leaned forward toward each other, their father revealed to them the meaning of the odd shaped pieces. Semra's fell first and as Nodnarb's pieces fell over hers they realized that they were puzzle pieces! They each had the other side of the other one's piece, and as the pieces settled, there among them emerged a picture of their journey together! Everything suddenly had meaning and purpose! It was by coming together, not pulling apart, that their seal was broken, but the father replaced it with something much stronger, he gave them memories and wisdom that would permanently live in their hearts forever! Stories and lessons that they would share along their new paths. Nodnarb was now free to go and become the man his father intended him to be!

And that's exactly what he did! Nodnarb met and married a beautiful young woman named Anna oj. in the land of light, and they asked their father for two children from Woosh and he gave them to them, to care for and to love, they named them Copper and Eba. Semra traveled with her father to many strange places, bringing all she had learned wherever he took her. He also taught her that she was her own woman, one that would serve in many different roles during her lifetime and not be defined by just one of them. By letting go, Semra received so much more! She often visited her family, and when she would hear those pieces rattling in her grandchildren, she would just smile. Their memories and new insights grew and it was very wonderful for all of them because they loved to share those things with each other. Nodnarb told Anna oj the story of the peculiar pieces and that they would have to lean toward their children one day to break the seals. But Anna oj just laughed and said, "We'll deal with that someday, for now, let's just add colors to our journey!"

Loving the Unlovable

You know how Oprah has shows about people who made a profound positive influence on someone else? Well, I have many of those people but I always laugh inside (now) about this art teacher I had in High School who made a profound negative influence on me, we"ll call her Miss S. It all happened during a time in my life when I was angry at my mom for dying. I couldn't please this art teacher and she gave all her time to her favorites, sitting around laughing with them like they were her inner circle and helping them get their portfolios ready for college. The only thing I was ever good at was art and writing and she took my art away from me because I wasn't the way she wanted me to be. I really wanted her to like me but the more she acted disgusted at me the more I became non-responsive. Instead of looking a little deeper at what was going on in my life, she just judged and accused me. I wasn't a bad kid at all, I was just lost and hurting and I had no idea how to deal with all my emotions.

I had worked on this sculpture (right) for a couple weeks and I remember when I finished it, I just sat there staring at it thinking, "That's exactly how I feel inside." Art is a tool that is used in so many different ways to reveal the inner feelings of not only children but also adults. I have a story for each piece I've ever done, and just seeing one of those paintings or sculptures evokes memories that I may have otherwise buried or not thought of in a long time. Art is therapeutic, healing, expressive and joyful all at the same time and that's what makes it wonderful. Every artist has their periods of joy and sadness, such as Picasso's blue period or Munch's "Scream" which was a blatant expression of his panic attacks, yet he also painted "Sun" which is vibrant and free of pain. People buy art that moves them or brings their soul to a place where they feel something they need to feel. Every time I go to the Getty museum, I can't wait to get to Alma Tadema's, " Spring", because it's as if you can jump into it and celebrate the joy they're all feeling! Matisse, Chagall, Vuillard, Klimt, Da Vinci, Degas....I LOVE THEM ALL! Art takes all of you, and makes you think and feel!

During that same period in High School I was working on an oil painting of my mother, I would take it home and paint until all hours of the night trying to get her face or skin just perfect. I finally achieved the look I was going for and when I took it back to school, Miss S. took my palette from me and painted over my mom's arm. I felt my heart sink because I knew I could never get my brush stroke back again. She didn't encourage me or even try to see through my pain. She was the adult, but her contempt toward me was too thick for her to see through. I needed love so bad during that time but she chose to condemn and take away the only thing that gave me purpose, my art! I dreamed of having a mentor that was kind and would help me find my way through but she was not a safe place for me. I was hurting and lost and I needed a kind soul to reach inside me, not shun me and only display their disgust toward me.

Loving the unlovable is not easy. You have to be mature enough to look past the hard shell and know that the harder someone is, just means there is a hurting and frightened person inside. God knows each heart, that's why he continually tries to get each of His children to see how much He loves them! Humans must have a level of wisdom, insight and unconditional love to be temperate enough to love someone who has walls up around them. I'm going through that right now with someone and instead of going to her level and wallowing in her negativity and bitterness, I'm learning to give her the love she needs even though she is quite unlovable right now. I have my boundaries but I'm making a loving effort to not shun her, (See my post entitled, The Pit and the Gate.) I keep her at a healthy distance and I'm no longer her victim. I always try to be there for her to talk like women need to, but she just doesn't have a teachable heart, everything is someone else's fault and she won't even try to see the positive in anything. I don't let her get to me or have any control over me like I did before but I acknowledge that there is a wounded, resentful child inside of her that she never healed or let grow up to be healthy. I still serve her but it's with boundaries now, and I chose to grow and mature the little girl in me to become a secure woman,  so she can't hurt me like she used to anymore. I can love the unlovable without being destroyed anymore, and that feels empowering!

This month's postings have been very cathartic for me since it seems like I've been writing a lot about past pains. I think I needed to resolve once and for all some issues that I've still been carrying, but by writing about them this time, I'm letting go of them. I have this deep need right now to house clean my soul and put all the static to rest. I'm finally going to forgive Miss S. and all the people who have left a stain on my heart. I never really had issues with people that hurt and didn't realize what they were doing, it's the people that chose to hurt and knew they were making someone suffer. But as I'm maturing I see even those people as just lost and immature. If they knew better, they would do better,  so try to love people the way you know they could be.

We all have many, coulda, shoulda moments in our lives and what's important now is to put them down and keep walking forward. There's a time and place for unloading and complaining and we should put a time limit on those topics, then move on to new and positive dialog. If there is an issue or issues that you find yourself going over and over then sit down with yourself and admit that it's time to put it to rest or go to a professional or a good friend and tell them you want to reveal, heal and move on from that past pain. Be a fresh, interesting, new person that brings goodness and wisdom to your relationships,  not the old same whining bag of complaints. There is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8), know the difference and have a good balance. You will be much happier and so will those that have to be around you! I know, because I was one of them, and now I choose to purpose it in my heart to have balance and wisdom rather than being a victim for the rest of my life and making everyone around me feel helpless and overwhelmed by my confusion!

If you're going to unload some junk from your soul then you need to replace it with something of worth! Buy some art or art books, go to a museum, start drawing, painting, doing crafts......Feed your soul beautiful things! Get rid of or put up boundaries with people that refuse to change. Put time limits on negative time in your day and start finding healthy and happy people that know how to manage their issues in a mature way. Surround yourself with an inner circle of positive people with good boundaries, that do fun and  interesting things. Keep the one's that won't change at a healthy distance and limit your times of service to them at  levels you find healthy for yourself. Release their grip on you and free yourself! Love your circle of friends for who they are and what they have and do. Don't compare yourself to them or try to be like them. Adopt something good from everyone you meet and integrate it into your own style, don't copy people or resent them, it only shows that you are not developing yourself as an individual. Practice balance and make your own story, one that is full of  the trials and the triumphs so it can be exciting and interesting! Every painting has dark and light tones, cool colors next to warm colors, because that's what life is! Be your own piece of art!

Romans 15:1-3   We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on Me."

If it's done unto you, it's done unto Him that loves you. He will carry the pain, you shall carry the stories.

Yes He Is, "I am"!

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart! Psalm 37:4

If God can do this in the sky...think what He would
love to do in your heart! 

God is so good! I have this habit of setting a problem aside and just leaving it for God to take care of. I just put it out of my  mind till the Holy Spirit leads me to address it or I just leave it unattended till God takes care of it. I wasn't always like this but after years of having tantrums about things not working out the way I thought they should or when I thought they should have, I learned to just calm down and trust God. I've also lived by some words that my dad taught me, "It never hurts to ask." As the years have come and gone I can't tell you how many times I've used that saying! Whether it be having to return something or to acquire something, those words have brought me countless blessings! I just ask and then I give it to God to work it out. I can see God in my blessings and by trusting Him and waiting for Him, I haven't just received material blessings but also the blessings of patience, long-suffering, joy, peace....God doesn't just do one thing, He weaves together a story for each of our lives out of our circumstances! God is so good! Yes, He is!

We bought this solar panel and battery unit (you've probably seen it advertised on t.v.) and my husband just loved it! He messed around with it, doing all the testing times and recharging it in the sun, keeping a record of it's performance. One day he went to charge somethings and the readings on the battery were all weird. He called the company but they said that the battery was fried! It was only one month after the warranty expired! He was so upset that he just wouldn't deal with the issue because it was too unnerving. Months went by and he kept complaining about it every time he saw the commercials on t.v. so I told him to give me the paperwork and I would try to get it replaced. I called the company and it took a couple months but after speaking to a few people they agreed to replace both units! Then, I discovered that while it was on the garage floor, the dog chewed the cord! Oh, they'll never replace it now, I thought! Yet, I just kept praying to God and telling Him that I knew He could work it out, and if it was His will, I would love to have the problem resolved. God worked in the hearts of those people and even though the dog exacerbated the problem, God gave my husband and I one of the desires of our hearts that we trusted Him for! God is so good! Yes, He is!

Today I was sitting here blogging and my cell phone beeped with a message from a friend. She was my old neighbor and I had bought an air purifier from her 3-4 years ago. It was one of those ozone ones that cost about $800.! I used it all the time because of my allergies and it worked great! The air in our home was always clean and it smelled so fresh! About 2 years ago the unit started going on then off, then on again continuously and the sound kept us awake so we just turned it off. I would use it during the day sometimes then the bulb inside it that disinfected the air blew so I just turned it off and never used it again. Everyday I would look at this unit and say, "God, I never sent in the warranty and I don't think there's anything I can do, but I'm going to text her, because it doesn't hurt to ask, and tell her that the unit doesn't work anymore and leave it at that. If you want to move in her heart to replace it then do your thing and I'll wait." Well, today about 1 year later, she sent me a message and it read, "If you want to bring your broken unit to me, I'll give you a new one free, just let me know." I called her and I'm going to get my new unit this weekend! God gave me one of the desires of my heart that I trusted Him with! God is so good! Yes, He is!

Through the years God has come through in His timing not mine, and blessed me with unimaginable answers to simple and complicated prayers! If we just calm down and trust Him, leaving matters in His hands, He will work everything out for good! The issues of life always seem to be separate to us and they mount up to a point where they seem overwhelming. That isn't how God works, He doesn't see our situations as separate but as a whole! Somewhat like a quilt, or a car engine that when taken apart seems like just pieces of metal or rags but when put together they can be functional and beautiful! Any one who has rebuilt a car, made a quilt.....will know exactly what I mean! Don't think that God has forgotten you if you don't see just one of your problems fixed. He is putting together something grander and more intricate than you could ever imagine! God is so good! Yes, He is!

He used me in other peoples lives every time I had a problem, such as the time my tire went flat on my car years ago and I had the opportunity to share God with an inquisitive tow truck driver or the time we needed a painter and he started asking me about God and I got to share with him the gift of pardon through Jesus Christ, then just a week later he died unexpectedly. I also had a contractor come out to give me an estimate and he ended up staying and talking about God and the bible for 3 hours! He called me 2 weeks later and said that he, his wife and family gave their lives to God! Every detour, every problem is an opportunity for God to be glorified and for Him to reveal His love in our lives! I know that I've said this before but try to see all your situations happening in the palm of God's hand. We need to step back and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD! That's why I love the bible so much, there are countless examples of God's grace, love and blessings that come out of trials! The problem is that most people try to do their lives by themselves and we weren't meant to! We were meant to trust God, and that way we can enjoy life rather than spend it in frustration and worry. He is the great "I AM"! Ask Him what the answer to your problem is and He will tell you, "I am". God is good. Yes, He is!

Moses asked God, "Who shall I tell them sent me?" Tell them "I AM" sent you.

I am the Lord. I am with you always. I am the Son of man.

I am your shield, I am your great reward. I am God Almighty. I am, who I am.  I am God. I am with you. I am the bread of life. I am God’s Son. I am the light of the world. I am the gate for the sheep. I am the Good Shepard. I am the resurrection and the life. I am in the Father and the Father is in me. I am the true vine. I am the Alpha and Omega. I am the beginning and the end. I am the first and the last. I am alive forever and ever. I am the root and offspring of David. I am the bright morning star. I am the way the truth and the life. I am coming soon. I am Jesus. Who do you say I am? (Matthew 15:16)

The Kiss Goodbye

My mom

Her flesh was cold and hard as my lips touched my mother's cheek. I was kissing her goodbye, as her body lay in that coffin, spiritless. That morning before the funeral, my brother refused to see her dead and wanted only to remember her the way she was when she was alive. My sisters were getting ready, dressing in black and all I could think about was what my brother said. I wrestled with the choice I had to make whether I wanted to see my mom in that coffin or not. I just celebrated my 14th birthday a few days before and this decision seemed like something an adult should be making, not me.

When we arrived at the funeral parlor my sisters walked right into the room where our mom was, but I stayed back behind the room divider feeling hesitant and scared. Cindy, my best friend was there and she stood there with me, telling me that whatever I decided would be okay. I just couldn't get myself to round that corner and see my mom dead! As I glanced over I saw the old Italian lady who lived next door coming toward me. Her arms reached out as if she was going to hug me but she grabbed my arms with her sharp nails and started to shake me violently! She pulled me out from behind the room divider and turned me toward the casket screaming, "You did it! You killed her!, Are you happy now! You killed her!" I just stood there.......limp and shocked, my body felt like one of the rugs she used to shake off on her patio!

I could see the shock and awe on my friend Cindy's face and as fast as it all happened, Cindy's hand curled into a fist and her arm came up behind her! She was going to knock this old woman out! My mouth hung open, my body and mind were paralyzed and I felt like I had just been sucked into another dimension! Just as Cindy went to swing, my cousin Mary Catherine, who was a nun, stopped the flying fist, pulled the pointy nailed hands off of me and began to read "Grandma Di" the riot act! All this happened while I was still facing my dead mother's body. I know that Cindy and my cousin told me it wasn't my fault and they comforted me but it all seemed like I was deaf, I saw their mouths moving but it was just silence. I was numb.

There was this necklace that Cindy and I both wore as symbols of our friendship. It was a long piece of brown leather with three wooden beads on each end. We wore them knotted and they NEVER came off. The knot was impossible to untie because it had gotten wet so many times and I had worn it constantly for so long. It represented an unbreakable bond and I wanted to have it put in with my mom so she could have it forever and know how painful her leaving was for me. After things calmed down at the funeral home, my best friend took my hand and walked up to my moms casket with me. She knelt next to me as I talked to my mom and cried. When I finally stood up, I leaned over and placed the cut leather necklace on her hands and I kissed her. She wasn't there, her body was, but she wasn't. My mom was gone forever and at that moment I hardened my heart toward it all. I went through the motions for the rest of the days ceremonies and the following morning I just continued my regular routines. I never talked about her, I was angry and I felt abandoned.

It was about two years later when I was walking from my bedroom through the living room that I stopped cold in my tracks. I began to cry hysterically and I curled up on the floor in an inconsolable ball. All alone I lay there, I wanted to talk but she wasn't there to talk to, so I just kept crying and I couldn't stop for the longest time. She was really gone, never to be here again with warm skin or loving eyes. I could never curl up on her lap again, never make peanut butter kiss cookies again, I would never see her in the front window ever again as she greeted me home after school, and her table light would never be on again in the living room as she waited for me to fall asleep. Oh God, I miss her! Why did she have to go? And to this day I still miss her, I miss all that we could have done! She never saw me grow up and become a woman, she never got to meet my son, her grand-son Brandon or his beautiful wife, she never met her great-grandchildren Penny and Abram. So much we missed together.

That crazy old Italian woman took every opportunity she could to torment me until she finally died. Her evil act on the day of my mom's funeral stole something from me that I would only get back years later, when I finally learned about God's unconditional love. My mom loved me, she didn't want to leave me, I didn't do anything to cause her illness or death! I have a picture of her on my dresser and every time I look at it, I know that that is the same exact look that's going to be on her face when I meet her in heaven! I don't know why she had to be sick for so long and then have to leave us to go to heaven. People through the years have told me what she was like before she fell ill and that helped me to feel like I knew her a little better. I was also told that I was a lot like her and that, in and of itself was a great comfort to me, because I knew then, that my son and my grand-children really did get to know her.......through me :)


The memory of the righteous will be a blessing, but the name of the wicked will rot. Proverbs 10:7