Ahead

Ahead     A poem by Dee Hartmann

The darkness is lifting, the shadows are shifting;
I know there's light ahead.

My thoughts are rising, my soul feels surprising;
I know there's hope ahead.

The clouds will part, joyous songs will start.
Breath is here but life is there;
I know there's freedom ahead.

A calm will settle the storm, the sun will feel warm,
I know there's safety ahead.

My sad corner of fears, the burning of my tears, a crushed spirit for years,
I know there's joy ahead.

The clouds make us cherish the sun, the darkness to rejoice in the light;
A burning day welcomes the cool summer's night.

Tears give perspective to smiles, joy the sweet reminder of pain's past,
rush to rest allows us repose, and darkness of death, that earthy life doesn't last.

Whether sunrise or sunset lies ahead, a new spring or the falling of leaves,
it may be the clouds storming or a new life forming,
All are God's seeds.................Look ahead.

Open Heart, Open Arms, Open Doors

More often than not I have a hard time praying. Sure, I pray all day in my mind and it also seems if I am busy while I pray, it makes it easier too. My times of deep, on my knees prayer is always reserved for when I'm so overwhelmed, worn out and defeated, that falling to my face is the last and only option I have. I know that if I had a more steady prayer life then those times of feeling over burdened would be much less. I think sometimes that human nature makes us want to see how long we can go on our own power and in our own denial. A lot of factors play into the laxed prayer life, like busyness, selfishness, physical fatigue, illness, and even a "why bother?" attitude.

One of my first issues is prayer in the morning. I'm tired and praying doesn't wake me up, it makes me more tired! How can that be changed so that praying in the morning can be a rejuvenating experience rather than a snoozer? One thing is to put purpose in everything we do! We wouldn't build a business or a house without having a purpose and vision first. Prayer needs purpose and vision. Why are you praying? Really, why? Ask yourself if you really believe that God hears you and that He is going to do anything about it or are you just doing what you think is the right thing to do. Some people have become so tainted and angry at God that they pray because they know it's the right thing to do and they don't want to get God mad at them or give Him a reason to smite them, so they pray the empty prayers out of fear of hell or to maintain their ridiculous legal contract with God. That's legalism and it's a lie from the devil. We cannot earn God's love or approval, it's a free gift of love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ!

Do you want your prayer life to be alive or dead? Do you want it to be a fountain or a swamp? If you're a reasonable person I'm sure you chose to have your prayer life be alive and flowing. Here are a few suggestions:

• Start by getting up a little bit earlier. I am not a morning person and hated this suggestion but I got up 15 minutes earlier and now I love it! I even get up earlier than that :) If you make the step out of your comfort zone, God will meet you there! James 4:8 says, Draw near to Me (God) and I will draw near to you.
• Have a plan. In the Lord's prayer, we are taught exactly how to pray. Did He intend for us to recite that exact prayer word for word? No. It is a format for us to follow. Begin your prayer with praise to the One and only God who gave His life for His children and loves unconditionally. Spend time focusing on His goodness and how it has been revealed in your life. His power, protection, direction, comfort, counsel, refuge, friendship......As you read your bible, take all the words that describe God and praise Him for being those things! Visualize Him being those things in your life and call to mind His faithfulness, kindness, concern......Simply praise Him for who He is! Secondly, be grateful for being able to have a sacred alter that is right there between you and the God of the universe. You do not need anyone between you and God. Close your eyes and let the Holy Spirit bring to your mind, anything that you need to confess. God will not take your prayers until you have offered them with clean hands and heart. Lay the things that lay on you upon the alter before Him, then, confess and repent. God wants you to lay your burdens down daily so that you can then go forth unhindered by your sin. Thirdly, thank Him for everything. Pour out thanks for all that God has done in your life. Can you see with your eyes? Thank Him! Can you feed yourself? Thank Him! Can you go to the bathroom on your own? Thank Him! Are you loved? Thank Him! Do you have kindness to give? Thank Him! Can you breath? Are you clothed? Do you have peace in your heart?.........Thank Him! Thank Him even for your trials because through them God works! This process of thankfulness prepares the heart for the final stage of prayer which is Petition and Intercession. Now that your heart has acknowledged God's loving character and faithful attributes and has been cleaned of hidden sin, and you have drenched yourself with gratitude for His blessings in all things, you can now bring your concerns before him. Matthew 6:9, This, then, is how you should pray.....
• Know that prayer is a two way conversation! If we feel alone and repetitive then we loose our desire to do it. We need fresh prayer not stale prayer! Once I get past the initial, "I don't feel like doing this." thought or comment, (Which happens to be the same thing I say before going in the gym, the dentist, grocery shopping....), I find I don't want to be anywhere else. I read my bible and let His Living Word speak to me, I let His Holy Spirit move me and guide my thoughts, I've learned to talk to Him as if He's sitting right there. I act like myself because I now understand His fathomless love that He lavishes on me! He loves my laugh, my weaknesses, my quirks and my tearful or joyful eyes. He loves my voice when I sing to Him even though I sound like one of the out-takes from American Idol and He loves me even when I've done wrong and feel shameful. Often times I'll put my head down and picture it on His lap or shoulder. There are times when I've worn myself out to the point that He just wants me to rest in Him so I can wake up refreshed and spend time giving Him thanks and having a new attitude toward my loved ones! Prayer is not about asking God for stuff, it's about being in His presence and trusting Him with our needs. God has a voice you know, it's very gentle and full of love and He wants you to hear it. Psalm 46:10, Be still and know that I am God.
• Listen to praise music before and after to soften and strengthen your spirit. Listen to it in your car, your house.....Learn the words and keep them in your heart like a treasure that makes you rich inside!
• Worship God in everything you do. Every time you are kind to someone, that is worship. whenever you serve someone, that is worship. Each thought or mention of God's love, that is worship. Every meal you make, toilet you clean, snack you bring, call of concern you make.....that is worship! Even taking care of yourself by resting, eating right, exercising.....that is worship! Psalm 95:6-7, Come, let us bow down and worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care. James 1:22, Be a doer of God's Word...
• Be accountable to a complaining spirit and tongue. We will be well on our way to a vibrant prayer life and life in general if we can begin to see life from the vantage point of gratitude. I've started a new habit of whenever I find myself complaining I make my self think of five things that could be worse! It refocuses me on the truth and puts my mind in an attitude of gratitude! I tried to not complain once by putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping myself at every complaint. It lasted about 30 minutes before I was fed up with the idea because my wrist hurt! That experiment left an indelible image in my mind of the state of our hearts when they are not being held captive to God's authority! Isaiah 35:10b, Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. James 1:2a, Consider it all joy....
• Pray believing. It is imperative to believe what God promises, but you can't wing it! If you are not reading your bible then you are an open target for deception and false emotion! Do you stand on the rock of God's Word or are you flailing and being tossed about by the waves of emotion? Right now would be a good time to determine this and make sure that you are on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. Once you do that, then it's important to be sure that your heart believes in the love of God no matter what the circumstance! You must know He loves you and that there's nothing that happens that He is not in it with you and already knows what your lesson will be. He has it written in stone that your situation will work out for good, according to his will. We may not understand some outcomes but we must know that He does and He knows what's best. Romans 8:28, And we know, that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. James 1:6, When you ask, you must believe and not doubt.
•  Desire to be like Jesus. Life's purpose is about transforming us to Christ's image! If your heartfelt desire is to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus then you will come to see that everything that happens in your life is in His loving hands and has specific purpose. We are here on this earth, not to get all we want but to be made into the image of God. It takes the heavy blows of the sculptor to create his carved images and the fire of the blacksmith to mold the metal. Life is not easy, it never will be, but the good far outweighs the bad and it is through all of it that others begin to see God in and through our lives. Pray with a desire to be less selfish and more Christ-like, more giving than taking, more loving than despising, more gracious than demanding. Romans 8:29a, For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son. 

Your prayers can be alive and vibrant if you release all the fear of God punishing you that is in your mind. I have given so much over to God and desire to continue to do so, but, I have to admit that I have a very hard time handing my grand-children over to Him. This world is so evil and the things that happen to children in this wicked world are beyond my ability to cope. I have this deep fear that God will allow something horrible to happen to one of them and then want me to see purpose in that! I hate even thinking about it! But, you know what? That unconfessed fear holds me in a prayerless prison! I sometimes avoid God and live a life on the run as far as prayer goes. My mind thinks, "Don't stop, keep busy and nothing bad will happen!" That's not peace and power from God! That's torture and imprisonment from God's enemy! I don't know what life holds, but I do know who holds my life. My grand-children are safer in my prayers than they are in my lack thereof. My denial protects no one. Fear of pain, the future, disappointment....are all tactics the enemy uses to separate us from God. Prayer is like water on the fire of fears. Are you smoldering or ablaze with those lies from the enemy that keep you in fear and ineffective in your prayer life? Claim God's promises and live in their truth and blessings!

Prayers are not just for situations, but are for internal blessings such as strength, sustaining grace, peace.....  God does not want us to be held captive to  fears that will only paralyze us and make us ineffective to do the work He calls us to do. Satan uses that fear to keep us away from God and that is why prayer is so important! We need our prayers and others need our prayers too! You don't have to pray for every detail every day. That's repetition and legalism. Everyday take time to be alone with God, read some of His Word, (He may speak to you in one word, one sentence, a paragraph, a chapter....whatever the length doesn't matter), Praise Him for who and what He is, unload your heart before Him in confession and repentance, give thanks for all things and then lay your prayers before Him, trusting Him and believing that He will handle all of it. Praise of His power, might and love. Confession of our fears, faults and frailties. Gratitude for our uncountable blessings! And, the privilege to stand before the King of all peoples and things and just talk with God as one of His children! Prayer is a gift and a privilege that we should honor and protect. The world takes it away from us piece by piece, from our schools, our government.... and our gift will one day disappear. Respect the gift and exercise it. Avoiding God just makes us feel bad but when we boldly approach the throne of grace and spend time with the lover of our soul, we can then go through our day with peace and confidence!

Along with God's Word, make prayer your water and bread and He will satisfy all your needs.

"Pray" for a good prayer life :)

Try writing your prayers and thoughts. That's what works best for me. I record on paper all the things that God reveals to me through His Word and the Holy Spirit! It's taken me years though to accept God's love for me. Now that I have accepted that, every other aspect of my life has begun to take a new direction toward truth and peace. He loves you, spend time with Him, you'll be grateful for the new found freedom.

Philippians 4:6-7, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 26:3-4 & Isaiah 45:3-4, "I (God) have carried you since your birth....I will continue to be with you and sustain you, even when you have grey hairs. I will always carry you; I will always sustain you; I will always rescue you. Keep your mind focused on Me and I will keep you in perfect peace."

Number 6:24-27, "I will bless you and keep you. I will make My face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, I will turn My face toward you and give you peace.

All we will ever need...is just one prayer away, if we pray the way He taught us.

You've Been Erased

There's an old movie with Arnold Swartzenegger called, Eraser. He plays a government enigma that silently and stealthily makes innocent people disappear so that they won't be harmed by those who are seeking to silence them from witnessing against them in court. At the close of the movie, Arnold wipes out the evil and greedy men and then says, "You've been erased."

As I stared out the car window and watched life disappearing through my rear view mirror, those words came into my head, "You've been erased." I had just left the new facility where my dear friend and adopted mom has been placed. She didn't know who I was, and her sweet face just showed an expression of, "I don't know who you are but you seem to be a nice person." My heart was in my throat as it still is at every thought of her. I've had so much loss in my life that it sickens me and I am devastated at this. The sorrow and grief is lodged in my chest and gut, and I have a constant stinging in my eyes from seeping tears that are either falling or being held back. I feel paralyzed, abandoned, homeless and terrified. She was the only mom I really knew and not only has her mind been erased by Alzheimer's, but I feel erased too.

Lu and I became friends as soon as we met! I was the mother of her first grand-son and I'm sure at first she thought she had better please me or I could take him away from her. But, soon we both found that there were no hidden agenda's and we posed no threat whatsoever to each other. We just liked and respected each other and in one another we found a kindred spirit. I, the daughter she never had, and her, the mom I so desperately wanted. Ever since my mother's debilitating stroke and death when I was very young, I began growing a cynical, trustless and angry heart within me that kept everyone at a safe distance so they couldn't hurt me. Lu and I formed a special bond because we allowed the other one to enter our walls and a love and trust was built. She was the mother of my son's father, who wasn't exactly in good standings with me but regardless of that situation, she carved out a place in her life and heart for me and loved me there. She became my mom.

My friendship and bond with Lu was the most treasured part of my life. I know that may sound strange since I had a husband, son, daughter in law, grandchildren, sisters, friends, but what I had with Lu was my core. It held me up so I could do all my other relationships. She taught me how to be a mother, a wife and a woman. She taught me almost everything about life and I mean that! Her home was home for me and I don't know if anyone can understand this but I didn't have a safe place to go. Sure, I had my home with my husband but there's no place like the home of a loving mom in which you can run to and find support and unconditional love! Lu was the type that would defend you till death, always on your side and unwavering in her love.

I would drive up the coast to Lu and Barney's house in Orcutt, California with such anticipation of the love I was going to get and give. For almost 30 years that has been my earthly refuge for my mind, body and soul. It would all start with just the knowledge that I was going to be going up there! Then the great drive with my son, and eventually just by myself after he had grown, along the ocean with it's sea scents, visuals, dolphins.....then through the tunnel, honking our car horn every time just as my mom did when I was a child! Emerging out of the tunnel to climb uphill toward the beautiful country that looked so much like the old "Bonanza" show with its rolling hills spotted with trees, cattle, horses and breath taking vistas. Every time of day unveiled new shadows, lighting and scenes just as each season brought it's unique scents and feelings. Spring would waif through the windows with the scent of mustard flowers and sage and autumn was when Lu loved to drive me around the back roads through the vineyards. Blackbirds rising in dark wind blown smokey ballets over the vines, dry leaves racing across the road behind our car and us telling stories, jokes, dreams and tales of alter egos. We would stop roadside and run down into the creeks to cut cat tails to decorate our houses and as sure as dragon flies love sparkly things, Lu would stop, pick up some small rock, look at it and say, "Here, I got this for you." :) Then we'd jump in the car and take off like bandits.

We would peruse all the antique stores and thrift shops searching for small treasures while she taught me all there was to know about everything from hair savers to frying pans. Her deep south accent and gritty southern quotes were things from a Mark Twain novel. My memories of her run so deep, so high, so far and so wide that it would take volumes to contain and I'm not sure I want them pored out of my heart just yet. I want to tell of the great gift I was given but I'm afraid that by spilling it out it will be gone, erased.  I miss you Lula, I miss you so much that I'm aching like I've never ached before. I miss pulling in your driveway, I miss my bedroom, I miss sitting in your elegant bathroom on the floor talking, I miss laying in bed on our tummies with our feet up in the air and laughing. I miss you tooting and then opening the bedroom window and saying, "Did you here that? I am so sick of that neighbor fartin like that!". I miss brushing your hair and snuggling as we watched the news before bed and how grandpa would have to get me up to go to my room. I miss, I miss, I miss......I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.......So, for now that is all I'll give the world of what we had and I will keep my memories locked inside my mind and heart until the day comes when the One who erases comes for my treasures too. I miss you Lu. I'm homeless and I don't know how I'm going to do it without you.