Lord?

For years I have struggled with depression but through years of seeking God within it, I have found that He is ALWAYS right there to guide me out. The other day as I felt it creeping in I said to God, "I just don't get you." There were a few things on my mind that were perplexing me but I made the decision to seek Him rather than sink. I opened my bible to Ecclesiastes 11:4,5 and read, "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God's ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in his mother's womb."

He ministered to my heart and I began to see that I didn't get Him for two reasons, one that His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8,9) and I'm not meant to get Him. TWO, I was looking at Him through eyes of entitlement rather than eyes of a child. I will never understand God but I can with 100% certainty know that He is in control. I understand now that I have to stop throwing myself on the floor (figuratively)in a fit of "It's not fair!" and start running into His arms for ALL I need!

After I told God that I didn't get Him, I remember the Holy Spirit whispering to me, "Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you." That CHOICE to turn to Him rather than to my darkness changed my whole day! I was hit  by the revelation that I am not created to be able to function on my own. God created us to need Him and I saw with my heart's eyes that my struggle with depression is not a curse that He punishes me with but a gift that He has given me so that I will always curl up at His feet to let Him love me! My degrees of suffering were deep because I entertained lies in my mind rather than truth. Truth does set us free. If we turn down the volume of our own inner dialog and the lies of the devil and grasp God's Word at the beginning of the episode, then, we can avoid falling into the abyss.

I'm done blaming God and others for not meeting all my needs. As I spent time with my Lord this week He spoke to my heart about many things. Each circumstance brought lessons and I grew above my depression. There was a special gift within His presence that opened my eyes to a new perspective. I can freak out because of my inabilities or I can rest in His calmness because of His abilities. Satan is a dominating force in this world BUT HE IS NOT A DOMINATING FORCE IN MY LIFE! I can allow him to grab my tail and whip me around or I can rip it from him and proclaim, "I am NOT your property! I am the property and possession of Jesus Christ!" Making that proclamation stops the descent into darkness so in turn keeps us in the light of Christ.

Is God readily available to yank us from the storm as He did for Peter (Matthew 14:29...)? YES! Do we laser focus on calling out to Him first when we are sinking or do we get overwhelmed by the crashing waves and gasps for air? More than not we let the circumstances draw us down like water down a drain, spinning us into a vortex of "WHYS". Let us change those "Why Lords?" into "What Lords?" by IMMEDIATELY drawing near to Him when we sense our first need. Apart from His Word (the bible), His Presence (prayer & meditation) and Christian fellowship (Church, study groups...) we will sink. Like Peter, thrust your arm up and call out, Lord, help me! and He will draw you near to Him. Just like you have to drive to the store to get bread, so we must go to Him, The Bread of Life.

Romans 5:5, ...and hope never disappoints, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Never give up, for the lesson is in the storm and it will not only bless you, but others also. You have a purpose, you are precious in His sight, you are not alone, nothing can separate you from the love of God! Find the voice of truth and dwell there till He says it's safe to leave. Upon leaving, don't leave without Him!

Book recommendation:

Hinds Feet on High Places. Hannah Hurnard

Telling Yourself the Truth. Backus and Chapian

There's Hope for the Hurting. Robert Lee

Enjoying God. S.J. Hill

Through the Wilderness of Loneliness. Tim Hansel

WHERE THERE IS GOD, THERE IS HOPE.

I have developed a systematic approach to monitoring my experiences with depression. I ask myself 1) Did I seek God sooner? 2) Did I reach out to a trusted confidant? Was the bout shorter than it used to be? Was the bout less intense? If I answer yes to the first two questions then the answer to the last two is always yes. That is an excellent result! God is good.

Those who live in the shelter of the  Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

Read the Psalms for hope and love.

Prayer to Abba

Lord of all Creation,

Balance me today. Balance my thoughts, my desires, my cravings. Balance my responses, my reactions, my interactions. Lord, balance the heart within me from which all things flow and balance my mind, body and soul. You, O Lord, who holds the endless universe in perfect balance, who can suspend planets in mid-air and who tells the sea where to stop, balance me today.

Make Your will - my will, Your desires - my desires. Remind me all day that through Your Holy Spirit, anything that comes into my life has had to come through You first and  is a lesson to grow from. Let me not expect life to be easy but to know that it will be interesting, fascinating and sometimes a puzzling journey of joys and sorrows and that I will never walk it alone. Keep me mindful that every bad thing has goodness to be found in it, if we will only look for it. And, when our plans do not fit Your plan - bless me with peace that Your plan is best and that it is safe to follow You anywhere. Our purpose here is not to be comfortable but to be comforting, not to be stuffed with empty "things" of this earth but to be content with whatever we have and to share it with others. Balance me today in every way, encourage me to release the things I covet and I desire above all that You alone fill my wanting hands and heart.

Make my day a prayer to you, so I am connected to You every moment. Let not my pride think that I can do anything apart from You. Give me a constant hunger in my heart to be satisfied and filled only by You and to recognize You as my full portion. Above all Lord, reveal and cement in my heart Your deep and committed love that you have for me. Make me ever thirsty for Your Word and Your presence in my life. Let no one and no thing rob me of Your gift of peace knowing that Your Holy Spirit has filled me and I am sealed by Him, the giver of all Your gifts. Give me Your wisdom generously to be able to stand in all hope of You.

You are my Redeemer, my Savior, Lover of my soul and my friend. May all those I pray for find You to be all those things to them also. Whatever shape each persons emptiness is - fill it perfectly Lord as only You can do. Whenever one of them is alone, worried or scared, let Your presence comfort them and assure them. Show the lost that You are the Way and that Your truth and light will guide them and give them hope. May our desire be to see You glorified in our lives.

Thank you for giving and for also not giving, for you alone know what’s best for me. I thank you for everything, even the undesirable situations of my life. Keep me focused on You and not those puzzling things so that I can have peace and joy even in my storms. I love you Lord, and it’s only when I turn elsewhere rather than to you that I loose my way.  Give me a heart that gives you my self-pity, anger, resentment and bitterness and receives from you your goodness instead! My nature is to turn to my complaining but I ask you to change that nature by giving me a humble heart that surrenders willingly and joyfully to You alone. Your boundless love surrounds me and your kindness and forgiveness brings me to joyful tears! You are meeting me right now in my spirit, my Daddy in Heaven, and I feel safe and so loved! You are my hope and joy. Amen

Today

I don't want to figure anything out today. I just want to rest in the civilized order and solitude of this day. There is peace and I shall lay in it, softly and kindly unto myself. Undisturbed and disturbing no one...I hear only my breathing and the birds. A day of this kind can only be known as a pure and precious gift, not earned but blessed with. Treasuring it, respecting and loving it and wishing it could last forever and ever and ever and ever...D.A.H.

My Fluid Friend

I dream of the sound that water makes when it taps timely against my window pane... during a rain. The rhythmic surge of the ebb and flow of the sea and how it calls to me. In my dreams I dangle my feet in the crisp waters of the mountain stream. I stare at the falling water that rushes without hindrance to keep her full and flowing for me. His power gives me comfort and peace. My dream always takes me to where the rivers flow. Why? I think I know....

I love the living waters, where they come from and where they go. How they cut their path through mighty mountains and find a way to flow. The hot springs bring their healing, the mountain springs refresh. The gentle waters cleanse us, all attest. We conceive , grow and come from it. It's secrets I've promised to keep. I've been fooled though to think, it was my choice to float or go deep.

I've wondered at the rainbow and ran from the rain, knowing rainbows were a promise and rain causes no pain. My boots have splashed the puddles and my hands have splashed my friends, water always blesses me, it's source never ends.

I remember wet grass as it tickled my toes and sandy beaches and hidden coves, where we found and touched anemones while the tide rose, and only darkness drove us home.

Sprinklers and pricker bushes causing me to hop, squirting the hose in the air and dodging all the drops. The summer sun shot prisms through the water as it sprayed. We'd run and laugh till suppertime came and robbed our day.

The water rescued us from a sun so hot it made the air wavy. Keds kicking up dirt, throwing stones, seeing drips of sweat clear the dirt on our legs and arms. Then, jumping into that liquid relief head first!  Ice cold water! Submerged, drenched, washed! All was new! Laughing and yelling! The water gave its permission that we could exhale and just be kids.

You also let the winter freeze you. Perfect crystals ~ snowflakes ~ each designed by His hand ~ each unique and brilliant just like us! I loved when the moon lied upon you and you drew me in with your purples! As a child you let me skate on you, dig tunnels through you, build snowmen and make angels in you. Then, as a young woman I kissed while you fell around me. Today, I chase my grandchildren around in you.

My life has been beautified by you! Our God gave you to me and I have felt you. I have been playful in you and let you fall upon me whether warm, chilled or frozen. You have healed me, revived me and lulled me. My wounds have been washed by you. You have fallen from my eyes in joy and in pain. You have made my garden grow. My child was held by you and later, his children. I have been saved from you and baptised in you. You fell from my mother at my birth and you fell from the clouds when she died. You have brought and you have taken. I long for you always...your sound, your touch and even the clouds you bring are a cover for me when I feel exposed and tender. And, I am sure that it will be in you that I will be carried home.

Revelation 22:2

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God..

The Courtesy Gate

It's called being proper, a gentlemen or a lady will practice it. Some call it restraint, politeness or self-control. It is all of these things and more. Most of us stand behind it and do our dealings toward others, while holding back the deep truths of our hearts so as to not cause emotional injury. It can also be used as a platform to conjure up desired results through subtle manipulations. The courtesy gate serves many objectives besides its original purposes of generosity and humility.

Another abuse of the courtesy gate is the unabashed attacker who flings it wide open to lambaste those who defy them. They hurl a slew of unattractive verbal maladies intended to cause injury because they lack the beautiful fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Some through no fault of their own were never taught and had vicious examples. Others freely choose the fight. Those types have never chosen or practiced self-restraint because of their immaturity, lack of humility, strong pride and ignorance.

The courtesy gate is not a fickle thing, it is us, the humans, who use it to our benefit. How easy it is to manipulate others with it by either taunting them over it or simply telling lies over it because of our inability to be honest in a kind and thoughtful way. Of course we will turn that around to serve us in the end by blaming them for not responding to our requests or hints. We then enter the judgement phase!

Judging others is like playing in a toxic waste dump. We will get sick eventually as we continually choose to go play there. We miss out on most of life's beauty because instead of being present in life we are off to the side playing with our toxins. They aren't even the toxins of the realistic situation! The toxic playground we are at is the one we have filled up with our bitterness, jealousy, resentment, anger, etc... We choose it all day as a place to wallow as the inflamed accusations swell and pierce deeper. Our only goal at that point is a chronic state of selfishness where we make our bed in the stench and refuse to rise till the others change first!

Thinking only of ourselves and our comfort will always lead to tantrums, internal and external, conscious and unconscious. Kicking, yelling and flailing as we make sure that no one else around us can be happy either. "Suffer with me!", our gut screams! "Make my inconveniences go away! Make everything comfortable for me!" We become embedded in the quicksand of poisons spitting out cries for help. But our idea of relief and God's is very different!

It is a slippery slope into the evil behaviors of self-preservation. There are a few who dive straight in but most start with a dipping of the toe. Slowly, one dissatisfaction, one misunderstanding, one infraction, and before we know it we are over our heads in self-focused behavior. (I could go very, very deep into this subject touching on personalities and temperaments but I will leave that up to you. I will make recommendations at the bottom for books referrals.) God gave me an insight years ago that has helped me tremendously with handling my struggles with spiritual growth. He told me to always be aware of intensity and quantity. To ask myself on a regular basis if I am doing a bad behavior less and with less vigor. If we make ourselves aware of those two things we will see if we are growing spiritually or not. Do we do our selfish behaviors on a lower intensity level and less frequent? Do we see this pattern set on an upward trajectory? Then there is evidence of our surrender and the Spirit's work! All God asks is that we provide Him with a willing heart.

God is able and our growth would be exponentially faster if we would just let go of our pride and desire for control. I don't know about you but I have put way more energy into taking my stance than praying for a kinder heart and less self comfort. Most of us have a courtesy gate that we use and on the outside we appear to be so thoughtful and so Christian but it is what lies in our hearts that God cares about. In the book of Hosea 6:6, God says, "I don't want your sacrifices, I want your hearts!" (read Hosea ch.6 for full context). What does that mean for us?

Basically, God is saying that we should always start by looking not only in the mirror first but also even deeper, into our own hearts. Just as a mountain climber carries a pick and is always prepared to use it, we should always have God's Word poised and ready to wield as our sword to stop us instantly from sliding down the slippery slope of self. Let us all desire for our courtesies to be an overflow of our heart and not just a show for others as we are stewing inside.

From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12;34b

Let your character speak for itself. (Mat 5:37, Jam 5:12)

Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye, but do not take notice of the log in your own?! Matthew 7:3

...the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God... Ephesians 6:17

Book references:

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

The Four Temperaments, by Tim LaHaye

The DNA of Relationships, by Gary Smalley 

Surrender Dorothy

"With acceptance comes relief, and relief allows the body, mind and soul to heal." D.A.H.

Shackled and tied to my defiant attitude, I pulled at the rusty metal bounds. Twisting and writhing my angry thoughts till my mind passed-out from exhaustion and weariness. Unconsciousness was my only peace. If I try to pull myself together then everyone will assume that all is well and my martyrdom will float away as swiftly as it came. Things are happening in my life and I have no control. There is no way out and no hope. I hate it, I hate it all and I want it to end now!

That's how I felt for a long time. The somewhat carefree days of innocence were hidden away now and reality came with it's teeth showing. Whether my circumstances or yours, it doesn't matter. Hopelessness is a dark and oppressive state where isolation and crushing loneliness bring pain in many forms. Few understand and our worse enemy is not the people who come to cheer us up, but ourselves. We build a nest of pride, stubbornness and defiance and each day we fluff our bed till the change we want comes. I crossed my arms, planted my feet and basically told everyone including God, that I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now! I was not happy and I didn't like it! Enough has happened and I refuse any more!

Needless to say, the clouds did not open up with Jesus himself coming down. My visions of Him coming to remove all the discomforts of my life never happened. And, no one in my life had any power to change my circumstances. So, I added all that rejection to my stubborn stance and dug in even deeper! But....still nothing. No angels, no Nicholas Cage in a limo, no army of supporters with "We're here to save Dorothy" signs....just me and my bitterness and it was eating me alive. My health crumbled, my attitude was not suitable for company, I retreated from church and developed a negative inner dialog. God allowed me to remain there until I FINALLY got sick of myself! So much so, that I became worse than the original circumstance!

Just as God stayed with me even while I acted like a complete jerk, He was right there with me when I surrendered. Brothers and sisters, even when life is horrible...God is good! The blessings, lessons, endurance, strength, patience, courage and love that I emerged from this with are jewels in my crown that I will flaunt to His glory! My prayer is that our first instinct would always be to crawl to Him first and not to our prickly nest. My selfishness made me waste too much precious time! Acceptance of my situation has already begun its good work...my body is healing, my mind, spirit and soul are rejuvenated and I'm a part of life again!

Praise God for the light and the darkness, for even darkness is light to Him!

It's not how much you do, but with how much love you do it with. Mother Theresa

God likes it when we work for Him, but He loves it when we sing while doing it!

Surrender to God, not to the enemy!

Geek Squad

I often think about how sad it will be for the people who live life by reason rather than by faith. I'll be watching a show and some scientist will be claiming that they need proof in order to believe in something. They exist in such a small realm, only in the framed  knowledge that they have chosen to dwell in. What a tiny and insignificant world they choose to study and be confined by. They see only the surface of life...only the topical magic that exists to the human eye.

God's majesty and wonder goes far into the infinite. It has no beginning and no end. As a Christian I have a hope forefront in my mind and heart that after this physical life I will have an eternity with the Creator of all things. He will reveal to me the secrets of all life as we travel through the heavens and He introduces me to each star. He will expose the atom and how it works, we will defy gravity, understand the power of the sun and travel through the intricacies of a rain forest! I'm not a scientist and the thought of this makes me ecstatic! So I can't even imagine how a student or professor of science could resist this offer!

I recently went to Best Buy and the Geek Squad technician removed the hard drive from my antiquated laptop. He asked me if I wanted him to recycle my old piece of technology and I said, "Yes." It made me think of our human bodies and how God designed us with a removable hard drive. Our bodies are just the monitors and keyboards but our souls are our hard drives. All that we are...our personalities, temperaments, talents, emotions...are hard drives that will move on into the next realm. God will take our cases which are our bodies and recycle them into new ones that will meet us in heaven to again house our souls one day. Yet, in the next world we will not be limited by earthly flesh but we will be in heavenly bodies that will not know gravity or limits!

What scientist wouldn't love this thought! People of reason...I plead with you to stop limiting yourself! This is not all there is and you will never discover the limitless wonders of creation if you continue to confine yourself in the prison of reason! You have an opportunity to be able to soar through galaxies and see into and beyond anything your mind could imagine! God loves your inquisitiveness and explorer spirit! He designed it and gave it to you! He wants to spend eternity with you and blow your mind with wonder! The reason you were created was to have a relationship with Him! You think so big yet so small at the same time! Do you really think that the purpose of your life is solely for you to dwell in your world of limits?

There are so many reasons why people choose to reject God but I'm asking you to open your heart and mind and consider some reasons to accept Him! Give Him a chance...He died for the opportunity you know. He suffered a torturous death and took upon Himself all the sins of all mankind so that we would not have to suffer the consequences of our own sin. He did that for you! He died in your place so that you could live in the light for eternity rather than in darkness! Think about that...think about what light reveals! The fascinations of life are a gift from Him and He wants to show you all of them!

Put aside all your fears and doubts, all your anger and hurt, and face the Lover of your Soul. Stop trying to contain Him in your reason and quit trying to bury Him in your unbelief! He is real, He is historic, He is the Creator of all things you study, and He loves you. Ask Him into your heart, tell Him you're sorry for rejecting Him for so long, surrender yourself into the safety of His love for you. Start living with the excitement of eternity! This world is wracked with sin, decay and rejection. This life we live now is not all there is! We are here for a very specific reason and that is to tell as many people that will listen about the love of Christ and the hope that is set before us! Step out of your small world and open your eyes to the bigger picture! Stop using your small excuses to keep from knowing your bigger God!

How sad it would be...to miss out on eternity simply because you chose the false safety of the confinements of this world.

Romans 1:20, "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities...His eternal power and divine nature...have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."

John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."

Sunday at church our Pastor told us about an article he read that said when one small butterfly flaps their wing in South America, it effects the weather across the planet! Wouldn't you like to know if that's true and how it works? Well, there's only one way to find out :) That's what awaits us in Heaven!

Scales of Mediocrity

Have you wondered lately what ever happened to your dreams? Today has been one of those mediocre days where everything I've done has been monotonous. I have taken all the almost empty bottles of hand soap, conditioner, shampoo....and combined them in one bottle. All our med and vitamin cabby's were empty and had to be refilled for the week. I had to do my weekly scrub down of all the handles in the house with Clorox wipes and not to mention the uncooked chicken in the frig that I had to make soup out of. The list goes on and on and never seems to end! One of the thoughts that always consumes my mind as I do all this is, "How do people that work and raise children do all this and still get some personal time!?" There's laundry, repairs, errands, shopping, care-giving, cooking, commitments, service...

As my husband sits at the dining room table with all our paperwork spread out before him, I see that even he is inundated with personal and family tasks that go beyond his regular work week! He has a full time job just keeping the paperwork and making the phone calls that need to be done for his handicapped brother's needs. I haven't even mentioned the work that needs to be done outside to prepare for winter or the mess in the basement that constantly calls out to us! It seems like when we do stop, it's just to collapse rather than to have fun.

So what might the answer be to this point at issue of what seems like a futile existence of exhaustion? How about a counterpoise. The only way to balance something is to place an opposing weight or opposing force. What does Christ say about this? In Matthew 11:30, He says to take off the yoke of slavery and take on His yoke, which is light and easy. Actually, if we break down the verses it gives us step by step instructions on how to solve our dilemma. Verse 28, He openly gives an open invitation to EVERYONE who feels weary and burdened to COME TO HIM! He offers a soft place for us to fall. A safe place for us to rest! I don't know about you but when I am troubled and exhausted, I fantasize that someone safe and loving would come to me and take me to a safe home where they make me soup and show me kindness until I feel I can continue on again. Here my friends, is the God of the universe offering that to us! So, His first instruction to us is to COME TO HIM.

Verse 29, then shows us that He is offering us a respite for our souls. You see how the tasks are still there for us to do but He is offering a new way for us to do them! He tells us to TAKE His yoke upon us and to learn from Him (a better way/a balanced way). Sometimes when we get too wrapped up in our lives and wear ourselves down, we lose sight of wisdom and get angry at how cruel and exhausting life seems. In this verse He makes it very clear where He wants us to free-fall our weary selves. He tells us that He is gentle and humble in heart. Basically He is telling us that, "It's okay to let go and collapse into Me. I'm kind and you're safe with Me. I have everything covered and you can rest. Let Me catch you, comfort you, replenish you. Allow Me to take that cumbersome yoke off of you and replace it with Mine, which is light and easy. Let Me love you." The verse ends with, "You will find rest for your soul." It's so profound really, that it isn't so much our physical exhaustion that takes us down, but the state of our soul. Probably because our soul was not created to house and carry worry and stress but to be a well for God's living water of hope and joy.

Verse 30 really speaks to me as to what yoke we choose everyday to throw around our neck! His yoke, He says is easy, and His burden, light. How many of us charge into our day without consulting Jesus? We just roll out of bed and hit the floor running! Picture yourself jumping out of bed and grabbing the cumbersome yoke of self off the hook on the door and throwing it over your shoulders as you race hunched-over to the bathroom or kitchen. When all the while, the loving, perfect yoke of your friend Jesus is laying right there in your bed, next to where you were laying, but you ignored it and chose your own way instead. That one act, that one choice will set the pace and weight of your entire day and most likely define your attitude toward every one and every thing! Is it a wonder my brothers and sisters, that we are so tired and irritable?

So, let's start our days with Jesus. Let's begin seeing our mediocre acts as service unto Him. Each toothbrush you replace with a new one, each thing you fix around your home, each bed you make or load of laundry you do. Every day you go to work, every counter you clean, every bill you pay, is an act of service not only to your family but to the Lord! And, most importantly, give and serve God's children everywhere! Help an elderly person load their groceries in their car. Give someone your seat at the doctors office when it's busy. Pull out a grocery cart for someone. Go help your neighbor rake his leaves. Watch someones kids for a couple hours. The list goes on and on of how we can wear a different yoke throughout our day. A yoke that revives our weary souls of selfish monotony. We must get out of ourselves and start seeing the bigger picture that God is painting. It's a painting of out-stretched arms rather that clenched fists. A painting of Christ within all we see!

The point of life is not to wear ourselves out but to counterpoise our duties with Christ-like service. Balance is healthy. Do some, give some, get some, rest some. See God in everything and everyone, and, let everyone see God in you. Christ be glorified!

Food for thought: What list would you rather have? The insurmountable list of things you need to get done each day or the infinite list of acts of kindness that Christ puts before you each day? One of those lists will wear you out and the other one will charge you up! Trust me, I have chosen God's way many times and He always takes care of not only what He wants me to do but also what I needed to get done! He just rearranges our schedules and works everything out for good in His perfect timing!

Scriptures for thought:

Matthew 25:40, "I tell you that if you so much as give a cup of cold water to one of My children, you have done it unto Me."

Matthew 11:30, "For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

James1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God and He will give it to you generously."

James 1:22, "Do not merely listen to the Word, but be doers of the Word."

Child of God ... Your dreams are not lost in this life of duty ... they are being kept by God and you will sing, dance, create, build, design, give, share ... for eternity! What God has for you there is so much bigger than you could ever imagine!