Rescued

I shared a lot of personal things and at the end God spoke through his Spirit and it is powerful! I'm not going to spell check or edit this because the writing of it has left me exhausted. God be with you. 

As I sat weeping uncontrollably while watching a show on tv, my heart was angrily speaking to my mind. "Where was God when I was being assaulted!" Of course this girl on tv was going to be rescued but that's not real life! In real life horrible things happen. While I was basically screaming at God and wallowing in my stronghold of worthlessness I felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit begin to consume and cover me. His voice which was strong yet warm and loving began to speak to me. But first, let me catch you up on how I ended up with the scars that held me in bondage.

Years ago when I was younger there were five events that happened to me that ensured me that I was of no worth. These happened after the loss of my mother which devastated me and started that voice within me that told me I wasn't worth living for. I've been a child of God ever since my young twenties but in my youth I always straddled the fence of worldliness and righteousness through Christ. My disobedience led me to places I should not have been but on the other hand wickedness also comes to find you. Below are the defining events. I'm going to skip a lot of detail because this is a blog post not a book.

I remember the first event when a group of boys chased me down and pinned me to the ground. They began to take my pants off and I recall feeling so helpless. My friend was screaming at them and I don't know what happened but they released me and dispersed. The second event took place at an outdoor mall. A gang of boys picked me up by my legs and arms and carried me the entire length of the mall while I screamed and struggled for help. There were people and couples with children that just watched but no one helped me. My friend kept yelling at them to let me go but they took me in the ally behind the store and pinned me against the wall. They were a motley crew that we called "The gutter gang" and as they began to take my pants off someone in their group but standing back further  said, "That's enough, stop." They released me and my friend and I ran. The third time took place when I was leaving my job as a bar waitress. It was about 3 am in the morning and as I got into my car a man entered the passenger door. He instructed me to drive and soon arrived at a big mansion in the city. He took my keys and entered the house. I could see that he put the keys in his coat pocket and through the big front window he put the coat in a trunk behind the couch and then went into a door and closed it. I ran into the house and retrieved the keys and ran back out. He came out of the door moments later, naked and confident and saw that I was in my car. He motioned to me that he had my keys but I held them up and I drove away quickly. The fourth episode happened when I went on a trip with a new boyfriend to a cabin up in the mountains. He turned out to be a sociopath and needless to say he tormented me, hurt me badly and threatened my life over and over. It went on for three days until he threw me out of the car at a bus station in a very dangerous place in the middle of nowhere and hundreds of miles from home. The fifth time happened when I was in my 30's. I was gardening in my yard one morning before I had to go to an appointment. I noticed a man lurking in the ally and he was still there over an hour later. I had to leave the house so I pre-planned to open the garage door and get into my car fast and lock the door just in case he was dangerous. I'm so glad that I did that because as I opened the garage door he came bolting into my garage and as I locked the door he was putting his hand on the door handle. We caught eyes and he exited the garage. I pulled out and called the police but he was gone when they arrived.

    It was only a year later that I was hit by a tidal wave of emotions that took me down. They say that's how it happens. You survive a trauma and at some unexpected time, years later it hits! All the memories and emotions flood your brain which sends a signal to your body that you are overwhelmed and consumed with fear. You start to shake, sweat, cry and your world spins out of control. I started therapy and over the years I learned ways to protect myself and still be able to function in life. It took a long time but slowly I healed in many areas and was able to recover to a point. No one really understood the fear, abandonment and torment that I lived with everyday. I looked normal on the outside but I was a terrified child inside. I covered those emotions with alcohol and anxiety for many years which of course resulted in a myriad of health problems. Each year I would heal a little more as I lived a healthier life-style and continued in counseling. I also immersed myself in Jesus and I began to become a woman who was strong in her faith. God and I have been through a lot together. My pain was his way into my heart.

So, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post I was watching a show and it was stirring up an anger deep with me. My old inner voice showed up and was telling me that I wasn't worth saving and that God had abandoned me. We all know that voice right? That self-deprecating voice that rears its ugly head when we are feeling weak. That is the voice of the enemy and as the bible says, he seeks to devour and destroy. But, Gods voice is greater and more powerful! As I sat there weeping and blaming God for not rescuing me during those terrifying times I began to hear a voice within me rising up. If you're not familiar with the book of Job in the bible when God says to Job, "Now listen to me." then you HAVE TO read it (Job chapter 38-42) WOWZER! This voice is the Spirit of the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD and it's speaking to me while I'm in one of my darkest places. It was a Psalm 42:7 moment for me when Deep called unto deep and His waves and billows rushed over me. God spoke and this is what he said, "Why did those boys let you go? Because I rescued you. Why did that gang release you? Because I rescued you. Why did you escape that mansion? Because I rescued you. Why did you survive at that cabin, in the dark desert where you were thrown out and at the dangerous bus station where evil was all around? Because I rescued you. Why did the man looking for prey not get you? Because I rescued you. I have rescued you even when you didn't know that danger was near. I have rescued you even when you went against my will and direction. I have never left you or forsaken you. I have been and always will be with you. There is no place that you can go that is beyond my love for you, even unto death. Do you think I am not there when my precious children are ravaged by the evils of this world? Do you think that even when they are killed that I am not there to rescue their souls and usher them home? I enter the most dangerous places and I rescue every soul. I meet with them as they are perishing and when they gaze into my eyes of love they give themselves to me and I take them in my arms. I rescue the lost, the broken, the overwhelmed and the tired. My love transcends any love that you know. I rescued you, I will continue to rescue you until we break bread together in heaven. You were not alone, you will never be alone. I am in the hottest fire, the deepest sea and the most sinful places. My Father sent me to walk into the crack houses, the homes of rage and abuse... I can see each soul, not as they are but for who they can be in me. You may not be able to see how my love works but I'm asking you to trust and believe that it is boundless. Read My Word, Know My Word and Live My Word. Now go, and tell someone about this free gift of love.

John 3:16, "For God so loved the world (YOU) that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

Romans 8:31-39, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6